


Crystals

by En2theWormhole



Series: Crystals [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Blindness, Dark Ezra Bridger, Grief/Mourning, Kyber Crystals, Rehabilitation, Seduction to the Dark Side, The Dark Side of the Force, during the time skip between season 2 and 3, orientation and mobility, pre steps into shadow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2018-11-01 07:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 60,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10917135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/En2theWormhole/pseuds/En2theWormhole
Summary: After Malachor, Kanan and the crew are learning to cope with his newfound blindness while Ezra finds solace in the sith holocron and searches for a new kyber crystal.





	1. Light

At first, there was disbelief.

There was no way he could be blind. The galaxy was full of medical advances with robotic arms, cybernetic organs, even cyborgs. Creatures so blown to pieces that they were hardly recognizable in their current more mechanical state.

It was easy to pretend that somehow his eyes would heal during the bacta treatments and under the bandage. The bandage prevented him from seeing; not his eyes being broken. It couldn’t be. He searched in the Force but found he was too distracted—too focused on the blankness.

Some days were better than others as he healed. Sometimes there was light. The best day was the day of ghosts.

He had just finished a bacta treatment and they allowed him to take off his bandages long enough to check the progress of his vision. And he had seen what he could only describe as a dark cloudiness. Things had dimension and moved but he couldn’t be sure how far they were from him and it was only in his right eye.

That was month two.

Things had begun to look up. A weight he hadn’t noticed temporarily lifted. Maybe everything would be okay despite what the Force told him, what he felt. But the Force didn’t have his best interests at heart. It never did. Why else would it have let his Master die? Let him be blinded? Not warn him fast enough?

He had gone out with the others, was more willing to accept the help, let himself be guided because it was temporary. Thank the Force. It had to be temporary.

But then his vision diminished. The cloudiness dissolved into darkness and a slight change around light sources. A cold fear was born in the pit of his stomach. Nothing interested him and he began to shut himself away. He sensed the dark side creeping onto the ship but he couldn't locate the source. And he didn’t care. He couldn't stop it now.

The medical droid was not an eye specialist and could only do so much. There began to be some mention of cybernetic alternatives to sight. The Rebellion didn’t have a lot of money and most were known and wanted for treason so well-paying stable work was hard to come by. Cybernetic eyes were one of the most expensive transplants there were.

Loathe as Kanan was to remember it, Count Vidian had picked out the organs and body parts he wanted to replace his own. There was hope that cybernetics might work.

But the Count had been disgustingly wealthy.

Cybernetic eyes did not fully restore vision anyway and they were the most expensive of all the cybernetic advancements. People who had tried them reported a lower quality holographic image with no color discrimination or shadows. Many had to be trained to interpret information from mechanical eyes. There were fastened to the optic nerve and if the optic nerve was damaged, there was no way to restore vision. So Count Vidian’s disease hadn’t damaged the nerves, else he wouldn’t have been able to have them even with all his money.

Even worse in Kanan’s case, ocular specialist droids were only found nearer to the core of the galaxy. It was too risky to head there and spend what little funds they had. Kanan hadn’t voiced his opinion on the matter. He found that he had little to say these days. He tried to meditate—call out to Yoda, the Force, anything to make him feel grounded, to give a little more clarity to the situation. Could he ask for the Rebellion to do such a thing?

It turns out it didn’t matter.

At the end of the third month, the prognosis was officially given.

He sat in the medical bay. Hera was there; she had guided him like she always did. The seat was cold and metal and it was finally determined that he no longer needed to wear a bandage. The cosmetic and reconstructive surgeries were as successful as they could be given the circumstances.

“There are no further medical interventions that will restore your vision,” the medical droid explained after the first surgery before the second session in the bacta tank. “The optic nerve in the left has atrophied and is no longer functional. The optic nerve of the right eye is degenerating as well. Cybernetics are not an option.”

“But…” Kanan interrupted. “I can see light. The lights in the ceiling. Dimly but—“ He squinted really absorbing what he could, tilting his head so that he could make better use of his residual vision. The light made his eyes sting but he could see it as a haze up above in the far right corner of his right eye.

“We have done what we can to reconstruct the lid, tear ducts, cornea, lens, iris…” The droid’s voice switched into a halting lilt, which happened when it listed anything. Kanan hated it. 

“There is extensive corneal scarring, the development of cataracts on the lens, and vitreous and retina detachments in both eyes,” the droid updated. “The eyelids have been successfully reconstructed and should work. The tear duct reconstructive surgery indicates not as good results as we had hopes. This is as far as my medical knowledge goes.”

“Kanan…” Hera said but was cut off by the droid.

“There is nothing further to be done about the scarring unless you consult with a cosmetic and reconstructive specialist on Coruscant.”

Scarring. Kanan resisted the urge to reach up and feel. The skin felt tender still but not swollen and painful like it had for the past few months. His eyes still felt weird in his sockets; having been practically regrown by the bacta.

“But the right optic nerve will continue to atrophy. What remaining sight you may have in the eye after all is said and done will be lost.”

“But…” Kanan said. His brain was having a hard time understanding. He suddenly felt very naked without the bandage. “I can see light.” Hera put her hand on his arm and he flinched away from her.

“But for not much longer, Mr. Jarrus. Hypothetically, cybernetics might help but it would only be temporary and the cost would be extreme. You would have to speak to a specialist on Coruscant to inquire further.” The droid paused and the room seemed to become colder. “I have uploaded information concerning rehabilitation for those who are visually impaired. My recommendation is that you continue to protect your eyes as they are still healing and are sensitive to light. I have devised a mask for you.” There was a soft sound of something being placed by his left hand on the table beside his chair. He didn’t touch it though his eyes were starting to water. “You should also take more seriously the training information I was able to upload concerning orientation and mobility rehabilitation training. I was able to have a device constructed for you with the help of Captain Syndulla.”

Hera’s hand was back.

There was another sound beside him.

“Kanan, please.” Hera took his hands and placed two items in them. He blinked while he tried to process. This was a nightmare. It had to be.

He found himself looking down toward the objects though he couldn’t see them. There was the mask, smooth with no lenses for eyes and curved so it didn’t cover his ears. The other object was a little shorter than his forearm and cylindrical. One end was smooth while the other seemed to be made up of ridges. Maybe in a circular formation based on the fact it was a cylindrical object. There was a button on the side near the ridged end.

“What is it?” he asked, coming up with a blank as to what it could be.

“It is a black telescopic cane often used by those who are blind when ambulating,” the droid explained. “The button on the side extends it. This will help you become more independent while traveling. Its purpose is to detect terrain changes, objects, drop offs and steps up. There are a few different techniques to be learned in order to reap the largest benefits of the cane.”

Kanan felt numb.

“Kanan?” Hera’s voice was uncertain and she touched his hand placing the ultrasonic sensor and telescoping cane in his hand. “Are you…are you okay?”

“Fine…” he said without feeling, slowly trying to bring himself to the present and not dwell on the circumstances. Like the facial expressions he no longer could see on Hera’s face.

He stood up from the chair, wavered slightly, and Hera brushed her hand against the back of his hand—lesson one from the orientation and mobility program on making contact with someone who can’t see—so that he could trail his hand up her arm and take hers above the elbow and she could lead him out of the medical wing. He was reluctant to place the shield over his face since it rendered him completely blind. He liked to follow what little light perception he had out of the corner of his far right visual field was comforting.

Hera’s arm was stiff under his hand.

His grip was equally as stiff as she led him through the ship and he tried to anticipate obstacles through the Force. He was naturally attuned to intent and movement as he had trained with the mask when he was a youngling, but to be constantly scanning was not something the Jedi trained for. And not for things like stairs, dips, up curbs or small obstacles that he could trip on. They walked outside, careful on the slope to the ground, and the light burned his eyes.

He placed the shield on his eyes, effectively rendering him in complete darkness.

000

The disbelief didn’t stop but grief overwhelmed him.

It colored his every action.

What made it worse was that people also seemed to distance themselves from him as he distanced from them. Sometimes it wasn’t even because of the gloom that was now a part of him, but because they were too nervous or thought they couldn't do the things they once did. He found that Chopper began to avoid him in the main area after Kanan had to explain he couldn’t play the game anymore because he couldn't see the holographic images. The droid was a cheater and couldn’t be trusted.

The Ghost became his prison. The hallways felt longer. Ezra and Zeb’s room a maze of objects to trip on. Chopper continued to be the worst leaving objects in the hallways. And his Force sense was unreliable when the situation didn’t call for it. He swept his hand out in front of him. Meditated in the dark of his room and still it would only give him a rough idea of what was immediately ahead of or around him by half a meter. 

And though it had been months, the nightmares continued to plague him. Waking up as if his face were on fire. Or worse, the dreams of his master exploding in a flash of red light.

Then he expected to see every time he opened his eyes. There was no bandage to remind him. No. Nothing but darkness as he could still perceive it.

One night about a month after his official prognosis was one of the worse dreams. It was of his master disappearing in a ball of fire, Maul and Vader’s voices taunting him in the darkness—the blankness—that had been the Sith temple.

A cold sweat covered his body when he woke. Why couldn’t he see? He blinked rapidly—a split second before everything came rushing back. He grabbed at his eyes and then groped for the light. It clicked and nothing changed. His heart beat faster and he stumbled up from the bed.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

He reached out everything he had learned about protecting himself and using the Force when he moved out the window and he found the opposite door with his feet. Muttering under his breath, he searched for the button to open the door. It was somewhere to the left. He felt along the seam of the wall with his palm. At first in small circles. It was over on the left, he was sure. He reached up—that was too high. He reached down—where was it? Maybe it wasn’t on this side. He felt along the door to the left side and searched.

His heart beat faster. This was taking too long. Everything took too long. He couldn’t find it. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes and they stung. He went back to the right side of the door, making large sweeps with his hand—there!

The door opened: the fresh cool air blew on his face... but still no light.

“No light,” he muttered and stepped into the hallway. There were no sounds of anyone so it was hard to tell whether it was the middle of the day or the middle of the night. He trailed the wall, keeping his whole hand against the wall, and risking jamming his fingers. But he would keep his whole body against it if he could to keep him grounded.

He tried to take a deep breath and remember which way it was to leave the ship. Down the hall, through the doorway, and the ladder down was on the left side of the balcony. There was a tense moment walking through the open space of the common room. He slid his feet with both hands out in front of him, one hand down to protect his waist and one arm up with the elbow bent to protect his face and chest. With each step he felt more and more ridiculous. Hera had contacted Zaluna a few months ago and asked her for some help. That was what she had told them, so he could protect himself from open cupboard doors or random objects that he could bump into. He knew this ship. He didn’t need it—he could see—

As soon as he lowered his hands, his body came in contact with the wall. So shaken, he couldn’t even hope to use the Force at this point. But he made it through the doorway after searching too long for the button. He moved slowly now, sliding his feet forward to find the edge and holding one hand to protect his lower body and the other to search for the railing.

After two steps it felt like every step was closer to the edge. His heart raced and he willed the Force to give him some indication of where it was, but it only increased his anxiety and suddenly all he felt was empty air around him no obstacles but nothing else either.

He gritted his teeth and slide his foot forward—edge, and his hand contacted the railing. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He inched along the railing until he felt the opening then knelt down and felt with his hand for the first step.

He didn’t usually come this way. Ladders still gave him some trouble. But he turned and felt with his foot for the first step. Then slowly until he felt the unmistakable floor. Kanan exhaled again, found the wall, and walked slowly toward the opening. He knew it was open because the wind was on his face and he could smell the hot dryness of Atollon’s earth.

The wall ended and the sun warmed his face.

But there was no light. No slight difference in the world around him. No flicker or spark of light of his right retina firing phantom neurons. Just…nothing.

And yet his eyes stung because they were still unfairly sensitive.

He fell to his knees as all life, fear, and anger drained from him. What was left was grief. Hollowness and stupid tears sliding hot on his cheeks.

He needed to shower. It had been too long, and he had grown a scraggly beard in his denial of relearning self-care.

“Kanan?” It was Hera. Footsteps rushed toward him then stopped directly in front of him. “Kanan? Are you okay? You slept most of the day again.”

“It’s…gone.”

“What’s gone?”

“The light. It’s gone.” Even as he said the words, grief made the tears run down his cheeks harder. And it added shame to the overwhelming grief. He never cried and he felt stupid for crying over this. They had told him it would diminish. And it wasn’t like someone had died. He hadn’t even cried for Ahsoka.

“Oh, Kanan.” Hera’s arms were around him suddenly and fiercely hugging him against her. Her smell and heat surrounded, enveloped him but it did not numb the sense of loss. He couldn't see her. Not the green of her skin or of her eyes. The quirk of her lips when she got her way. “I’m so sorry. Maybe not today but it will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay.” She repeated it over and over again like a mantra, her voice washing over him and through him.

After what seemed like a small eternity she leaned back, and the loss of contact felt like a void between them and he was alone in this hell even though he knew she was right there. If he couldn’t hear her, feel her, smell her, it was like she wasn’t even there. Panic and grief bubbled up inside him once more.

“We’ll go check in with the med droid. Then…” She took a breath and seemed to steel herself. “Then you are going to shower and I’m going to contact Zaluna. We have to move forward, Kanan.”

He didn’t answer. She grabbed his hand and placed it on her arm and even though he didn’t want to, he hated her for it. Even though none of this was her fault. It was no one’s fault but Maul’s.

She lead him to the med droid where it was confirmed that his optic nerves were no longer functional. He had “total optic failure” and no light perception whatsoever.

“Did you know that only about 2% of the human population is visually impaired? Most humans who are visually impaired have some residual vision and most humans lose their vision as part of the aging process. And only 2% of the visually impaired population is totally blind like you,” the droid droned. “Quite interesting.”

“Lucky me,” Kanan muttered dully.

And that was that.

He took a shower.

She clipped his beard and pulled back his hair.

And contacted Zaluna, the Sullustan he had met on Gorse who was blinded in the struggle against Count Vidian.


	2. Rehabilitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera brings Kanan to Zaluna, who won't put up with someone who doesn't take care of himself. 
> 
> (I'm terrible at summaries)

Kanan did not want to be here. He didn’t want to be anywhere but he especially did not want to be here. Of course, he hadn’t left his quarters just yet but he knew they were on the sunny planet they had left her at.

“Where is your cane, Kanan?” Hera asked for the third time. “This is ridiculous and you need it.”

He was standing in the middle of the room with his arms crossed. He wanted to argue the point but he knew she was right as much as it sickened him to think about the cane. He could feel Ezra’s eyes from across the hallway like cold ice cubes against his back. The nothingness and absence of anything visual felt more pressing around him now.

“I don’t remember,” he answered. “Maybe where I used to keep my lightsaber?”

“Of course, you’d want it to be hidden,” he heard Hera mumble. The drawer clicked open and there was the sound of the cane being pulled out. “Now attach it to your belt next to your lightsaber. Zaluna is not going to guide you. Remember she’s blind too.”

He felt a pang of embarrassment at that. “Sorry…”

Hera paused and took an audible breath in front of him. She tapped the back of his hand with the cane and he took it, attaching it to his belt like she had asked. “This will be good.” She placed a hand on his arm and he pulled away. “I’m sorry we can’t get a specialist to come to the base but it’s too risky. This is the best option.”

"And it’s not like I could help with missions anymore.”

There was a moment of silence and he felt everyone’s stares like tingles on his body.

No one said anything but Hera nudged his hand for him to take her arm above the elbow. She led him to the ladder, which he climbed himself and met her at the bottom. The others’ footsteps followed.

“How do you know this person again?” Ezra asked to fill the silence. He was behind Kanan. They had barely spoken since Malachor. Kanan wanted to look at him now but—

“We knew her from when I first met Hera on Gorse,” Kanan answered. They turned a corner and he wobbled, slightly off balanced.

“She lost her vision during the fight,” Hera explained. “She’s been living here in a small village ever since.”

“She’s blind too?” Ezra sounded sick.

“It’s a nice place,” Zeb said.

They walked up a few steps and Hera knocked on the door.

“Hello?” an old voice greeted.

“Hi, Zaluna, it’s Hera and Kanan. It’s so nice to see you. How have you been?” Hera greeted. “This is Zeb, Sabine and Ezra. Please, each of you shake her hand.”

There was a pause and indistinct movement as Kanan assumed that each member shook her hand.

“Hi, Zaluna,” Kanan said. “It’s…uh…it’s Kanan.”

"Of course. I wouldn’t forget your voice.” He heard the smile in her voice. “Now come in. Does anyone want some tea? I have some pastries I just baked.”

“It smells delicious,” Zeb said. “

“I would love some tea if it’s alright,” Sabine said.

They followed her into the house. Kanan gripped Hera’s arm a little tighter and he suddenly became anxious. He never liked being the center of attention after Order 66. It wasn’t a good survival technique to gain attention.

“We can’t stay long,” Hera said apologetically.

“Yes, dear, I know. You are busy saving the galaxy. I’ve been listening to the holonet.”

Kanan’s hand was placed on the back of the chair and he pulled it out, sliding his hand over the base before sitting. There was movement and chatter around him.

“I’ve been good here. The villagers are sweet and help me when I need it,” Zaluna was saying.

Ezra and Zeb were going on and on about how delicious the pastries were.

“I would love to paint here,” Sabine mentioned. “It's beautiful.”

“Yes, it is,” Zaluna agreed. “Though I have never seen it.” She laughed good-heartedly but only Hera laughed with her. There was a pause. “Ah, yes. I forgot. It’s still recent.”

She sat down at the table and placed a cup in front of Kanan.

“The cup is directly in front of you at eight o’clock,” she said. “You should drink it. It’s comforting.”

He slid his arm carefully across the table and took the cup. It was good and warming. “Thank you, Zaluna.”

They chatted for another hour. Zaluna showed them the garden, answered questions they had. Kanan and Ezra didn’t say much. Ezra stayed close to Kanan. Closer than he had been in months.

But he didn’t say anything.

Kanan didn’t either.

Ezra put his hand on Kanan’s forearm before they left. “Take good care of him,” Hera said and her voiced was touched with something Kanan couldn’t place. Then they were gone.

And the blind crash course began.

Zaluna took him through her small house, showing him everything he needed to know over the next couple days. The lip between the rooms that he might trip over. How things were organized in the kitchen with rubber bands, tape, and little glue dots.One rubber band for canned vegetables. Two for canned grains. Rough tape over the water jug and nothing around the juice jug.

On one hand, everything seemed more doable. On the other, everything seemed hopeless.

She was showing him how she organized her clothes. Mostly by feel but some by little safety pins attached to the tags.

“How do you get through it? The loss?” he asked suddenly and she touched his arm.

“You just do. It gets easier. You get used to it. Normal can change,” she said. “I like my new life and all the problems that come with it. I don’t worry about being watched here or watching. I listen. I relax.” She paused and she squeezed his arm. “I did regain some sight. I can see some shapes and really bright colors.”

“You did? That’s wonderful!” Kanan said and smiled. It felt odd on his face. “That’s really wonderful.”

“I was surprised,” she said thoughtfully. “It was slow and sometimes it’s better than other days. Today I’m tired so it’s not so good. But still it gives me more confidence when I go walking and when I used my cane.”

He frowned.

“I heard you don’t like using your cane.” She laughed and tugged on his arm. “Come on, let’s go for a walk. Take my elbow.”

“Take…your…? Hera told me you wouldn’t be able to guide me,” he stumbled out.

Zaluna laughed at him. “I may not be as blind as you but even if I was I could lead you around my own home.” He moved his hand to her elbow. “It’s about acceptance of learning to memorize.” Her voice was soft as she said this. “You’re still strong, Kanan Jarrus. You can still be who you are.”

“Who even am I?” The words came out before he could think about them and he instantly regretted them. Kanan Jarrus knew who he was. He was a gunslinger. He was a rebel against the Empire. And he was a Jedi…

But a Jedi who did not wear his full saber but hid it in pieces along his belt.

A Jedi who went to track Inquisitors and ended up trapped in the dark.

Zaluna tapped his hand. “You need to figure that out, dear. Do you have your cane?”

He sighed. “Yes.”

“Good. Have you used it at all since you got it?”

“Once…”

“So you know how to hold it. At midline of your body and arc it wide enough that it goes a little past your shoulders?”

“Yes…”

“That’ll give you the most protection. But it’s still not perfect. You will bump into things from time to time.” They walked to the door and stepped outside. “The walkway here has grass on either side. It’s easy to trail. Take the cane and slide it to the grass then tap it back. Make sure that as you tap, your opposite foot is stepping forward.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” Kanan felt along the edge for the button and extended the telescopic cane. He tapped the ground twice to make sure it wouldn’t collapse. The cane made him feel even more blind and he hated it. His stomach clenched as he slid it along the ground to locate the grass.

He began trailing the grass slowly. All focus went into using the cane as it dragged across the cement to the grass. The way he stepped as he moved the cane and the grass. At one point he seemed to stray and lost the grass but it was there when he stepped one step to the left. Then the walkway ended and there was cement on either side of him. He stopped.

“You must be at the road,” Zaluna deduced. “It sounds like you did well.” He heard a tapping as she walked up to him, bumping his foot gently with her cane.

“This is terrible.”

“This is the way it is,” she said.

000

Every day they did the same thing. Zaluna was sweet and kind but she was strict. He learned to help with breakfast, lunch and dinner. He learned to curl his knuckles when he cut things, and slice at a slant away from himself. He learned how to make beds, sweep the house by sweeping to the wall then sweeping along the wall to gather all the dust in the dustpan. And how to take care of himself. Most of it was a lot of guesswork though. But he thought his beard was pretty maintained now.

She moved away from leading him and forced him to use his cane. Sometimes he cheated and used the Force when he could, but only immediately outside the house. He couldn’t increase his radius. And when he tried too hard he sensed too many things to make it useful. When it was crowded, his Force sense was useless and he was forced to use the cane. Zaluna liked to tap as she walked. She used a little echolocation and could move faster that way, but he preferred to keep the tip of his cane against the ground at all times. He liked the feedback and tried to combine it with his Force sense.

Zaluna used what vision she had to an incredible degree. From what he had gathered, she had color coded her wardrobe and used bright colored mugs and plates of different colors to help differentiate them. When she was teaching him how to use his finger to assess the level of liquid in his glass or the feel of the heat on the outside of the cup as the liquid rose, she explained that she used different colored mugs for different things. She used a yellow mug for caf since it was a dark color and if she leaned close enough she could kind of see it. When they went into the village, she was sometimes able to move around large obstacles without using her cane to detect them first, or locate doorways if they were open because she could see the change in lighting. Also, she tended to walk in a straighter line using her vision to check her positioning. It made Kanan more than a little jealous.

He asked her maybe a little accusingly why she wouldn’t get cybernetics. She explained that they were too expensive, too much trouble to acquire, and required extensive, not to mention expensive, training and that she didn’t want to live her life like Vidian. Zaluna was happy with her life. “This is who I am now,” she said. “I accept it. Don't get me wrong, I will always want my sight back... but it's not feasible, and I refuse to dwell on it.”

In a way, that made Kanan feel even more hopeless.

It wasn’t hard to learn the landmarks for the market—a distinctive metal gate at the far end of the village. The ground was easy to trail and there was only one way to go. Zaluna taught him how to handle money on this world, recognizing the different coins by their textures and sizes. He learned when to ask for help though he hated it and when he didn’t, she let him fail.

Like when he sat on someone at a bar because he was in a rush and was overwhelmed by Force signatures that he got disoriented. Or when he forgot which direction he was facing and just continued walking until he had walked out of town and couldn’t determine where he was. He was so frustrated. Clenching his fists, he had wanted to scream and throw his stupid cane. He had tried reaching out with the Force and that only told him that the village was behind him but not whether he was going the right or wrong way.

Zaluna had jumped in right before he started to actually scream. “You’re heading east. Remember to be aware of what time it is and where the star should be in relation. It’s evening and the star sets in the east so the concentration of heat is directly ahead of you and low in the sky. Town is west and so is our home. I would like to get there soon to make dinner. You can do it.” She had taken to the habit of making him lead her around, claiming that she was old and frail.

But these were all distractions from the grief. Welcome, but temporary. And they did not stop the nightmares.

One night he woke to Zaluna sitting next to him holding his hand. “What happened to you, Kanan?” she asked softly. “The neighbor tells me you wear a mask outside. Do you have a scar?”

He tried to catch his breath. He didn’t want to tell her but he felt something loosen at her touch. Something that told him he needed to let it out for all that she had done for him.

“Yes, I have a scar. A sith slashed my eyes.”

“A…did you say sith? Like the Jedi versus the Sith sith?”

He nodded.

Silence.

"Ah, yes. A sith. He struck me with…his lightsaber.” And Kanan hadn’t turned his on since. He didn’t want to hear that sound ever again. Which was ridiculous but the thought made him want to throw up and squeeze his eyes closed.

“What were you doing…I already know, dear. It’s what you do.”

He lifted his head to look toward her. “You know?”

“It explains a lot and I wish you had told me. But I know why you didn’t. It’s dangerous for you out there.” She squeezed his hand. “All those crazy feats you were able to pull off on Gorse. No wonder you survived all those cave-ins on Cynda. I knew you were special.” She nudged his arm.

“You didn’t know. I covered my tracks.” He smirked despite his gloom and hollowness.

“I was always watching,” was all she said. “But of course I might have been distracted by all the ruckus you caused to put two and two together.” Her voice became hushed. “Do you still have it?”

“Have what?”

“A lightsaber?” she whispered.

He hesitated. “Yes…”

“I remember the Jedi as they used to be,” she said and her voice was distant, remembering. “All the stories from the Clone Wars. But I liked the stories of how the Jedi helped people. Not the big battles but the little ones.”

Kanan didn’t know what to say. When he was Caleb, he had wanted nothing more than to join the big battles. Now he just wished to see the sky. Something in his chest was breaking again. He hadn’t gotten emotional over the Jedi eradication in years. It was just an old ache usually. Nothing more. A scar no one could see.

“I never was a knight. Just a padawan. Definitely not a Jedi when I met you on Gorse.”  He had felt like a knight after his trip to the temple on Lothal. But not anymore. He didn’t feel like anything anymore.

“You always carried the nature of a Jedi inside you,” she said. “You lead us back then like a Jedi. It is always a part of you whether you see it or not.”

“I can’t see. How can I protect anyone like this? Would it have been better if I died? At least then I wouldn’t be a burden.”

“Never. You are never a burden. And it would not be better if you died. You still have a future, Kanan, and you will still help people.”

"How—”

“Hush. Stop. Be brave. I’m an old woman and a fool but I know what I’m talking about. I’ve watched people for years and I’ve seen you. You have always helped those in need and you still will find a way. Come into the kitchen, I have something there you might be interested in.”

And that’s when he learned Zaluna had a taste for alcohol and helped out in the local brewery.

000

Kanan stayed another week before Hera sent a message that he was needed for a mission soon. He didn’t understand why or what he could do. Unless it was cooking soup or baking pastries—he could make some fantastic soup—he didn’t see what he could do. His Force sense was better since he had started using the cane, and training with that as a baseline for where to concentrate his awareness. But he couldn’t run anywhere and he still walked slowly. He was better at trusting his ears, localizing and discriminating sounds, but it was a far cry from being ready to get back in the thick of it. He still had trouble walking in a straight line when it was crowded and loud. He got anxiety just going to the market when it was crowded.

And Zaluna insisted that they meet Hera at the docking port in the city and was making Kanan take her there. They had to take a bus there. There were only two buses a day that went to the city from the small village.

“What if I get us lost?” he asked Zaluna the night before. “I don’t know why they would need me. I’m not good enough yet.”

Zaluna hummed and moved around the kitchen doing something.

“I mean it’s only been a few weeks. I still trip on steps and lose my way around the village.” He rubbed his face and pushed his hair back, which was loose from its usual ponytail. When his hand made contact with his eyes, he flinched slightly and hissed with pain. They were still tender. Then carefully he felt along the roughened skin and wondered what his eyes looked like.

“You are always going to have moments when you get lost. You are always going to have moments when you trip and fall. You’re blind. But just like everyone else who falls or trips or loses their way, you problem solve, you get back up and you just keep going,” Zaluna said from across the kitchen. “I don’t know what you’ve lived through. You always keep things close to your chest. But I know that you know what I’m talking about and I know that you will get us safely to the spaceport. Now stop playing with your eyes.”

He dropped his hands from his face embarrassed that he’d been caught. He stood up and put his hand out in front of him focusing on the Force to alert him of obstacles and move him safely through the room. Focusing on areas that his cane would usually detect, it was just enough awareness now to use indoors in more or less familiar environments. He walked out of the room and, sensing carefully for the edge, sat outside on the porch. The sun was still up though the air was cooling all around him indicating that it was setting.

Zaluna stepped behind him. “The sky gets bright pink when the sun sets here,” she said thoughtfully. “I can’t see far but it turns all the distance into that color. I don’t know what it’s really like but to me, in my eyes, it’s really quite beautiful.”

Kanan said nothing but felt that the beginning sounds of musical night insects that sang during the nights here were…also quite beautiful.

The next was the day people outside the village would see him being blind. He woke agitated and nervous, making several mistakes in the house and tripping on the way to the village because of his fear. Very un-Jedi-like, he thought as they walked. The embarrassment and feeling of being inadequate didn’t fade even with his success of finally reaching the village.

She held his arm and he walked to the bus station. It was the only building with benches outside of it on the north side closest to the city, which was to the north. The village was small and so he only had to cross three streets before turning left to the north. There were hardly any vehicles moving in the village. Most people walked here hence why there was a bus station. But he stood on each corner and listened carefully to make sure it was clear before checking the gutter with his cane to see if there were any potholes or rocks he could trip on.

“You’ve made great progress,” Zaluna said as they turned north toward the station. “I hope you come back to visit. I know you will only get better and there may even be a time when you don’t need the cane anymore.” She squeezed his arm. “But a word of caution. Choosing to move without one when others like me would need one will expose you as a Force user. It won’t matter if you hide that weapon of yours on your belt then.”

He didn’t answer and concentrated on looking for the benches. They were metal and—Bang! As his cane connected with something—set in the middle of the sidewalk and the cement platform leading up to the station booth. He knew it was a bench but still he brought the cane vertical and felt the object it had come in contact with just in case. He felt a railing that connected with a curved back: armrest and back of the bench. With a small smirk, he maneuvered around it and followed the aisle of benches to the booth.

Determining where the window could be was tricky. His cane made contact with the booth. Thank the Force it was a small village and there wasn’t a line as far as he could tell. There were no other signatures in the Force other than the person in the booth.

“Ask,” Zaluna prompted.

He gritted his teeth. “Excuse me?” he called out feeling awkward and uncertain.

“Can I help you?” a voice said to his right.

Sweeping his cane first, he took a step to the right and faced the speaker. “We want to get two tickets to the city. One round trip.”

“Of course.”   The clerk told him the price. He counted the coins carefully, checked the edges and the textures to make sure he had the correct amount in his hand and placed them on the counter.

They walked to the edge of the street, finding the edge with the cane first, and waited. The bus would be coming soon. Zaluna had already calculated when they needed to be here. Unable to see the bus’s approach, it was better to stand and look ready for when it appeared so that it would definitely stop for them.

He strained his ears, heart beating quickly and thudding in his head. It wasn’t too long before he heard the distinctive hum of the hover-bus.

“Ready?” Zaluna asked. “You have our tickets.”

Of course, he thought. He’d had them in a death grip ever since the clerk had given them to him for fear of dropping them and losing them forever. They wouldn’t make any noise and he would never be able to find them if they blew away.

The doors opened for the bus and Kanan pinpointed the sound, sweeping his cane along the ground to find the edge of the sidewalk, then the side of the bus. He trailed the bus until he located the opening—the door—which was only two steps to the right from where he was. Bringing his cane vertical, and in his rush and panic to get on the bus, he couldn’t use the Force, he detected each step before he stepped up and when his cane bumped nothing he knew he was at the top.

“There is usually a box for the tickets,” Zaluna explained. “There’s a handrail to your right. Follow that to the box. Locate the slot and slide them in.”

So many steps, he thought irritably, but did so. It took him a minute to locate the slot then orient the blasted ticket so it would be eaten properly and not spit back out. But…success.

And then…the task of finding a seat.

They moved to the nearest seats behind the ticket machine and driver. “Is anyone sitting here?” Zaluna asked politely. There was a tense moment when no one said anything though Kanan could sense others in the bus.

“No,” the driver suddenly croaked. “Seats are free.”

“Will you let us know when we are at the city center?” she asked the driver, raising her voice slightly. “How many stops is it?”

“Three. There’s not much between now and then. Sure, no problem.”

Kanan retracted his cane and exhaled as he sat down. He needed to collect himself. How was he supposed to be on a mission when getting on the bus was hard? Calm, he needed to use the Force and be calm. Not panic and just dive in. Pulling off his gloves, he wiped his sweaty hands on his pants.

“I was nervous too on my first bus ride. But hey you’ve got me here. I didn’t have anyone.”

And now Kanan felt stupid again. How could they have left Zaluna on this planet all by herself? Awe and respect formed inside him as he thought of how she just figured it out.

“Thank you, Zaluna,” he said. “For all your help.”

“It’s the least I could do. You helped to save my beautiful moon.” She patted his hand thoughtfully. They were sitting very close to one another. Probably closer than most people would sit but since he had lost his sight, Kanan liked the proximity. Though he could sense presences in the Force, it was always comforting to have the validation of physically feeling the other person beside him.

Three stops later the driver let them know they were there. Sounds had changed. It was no longer the quiet of the country but the bustle of the city. The sounds of motors and people were everywhere and Kanan was immediately disoriented upon stepping off the bus.

“Focus,” Zaluna said. “This is why we studied the route to the spaceport before we came.” They had spent some time talking with people in the village about the layout of the city and had even constructed a tactile map so that Kanan would have a better idea of what to expect. The spaceport was one block west and two blocks south from the bus stop.

“Okay,” Kanan said, trying to take a deep breath and ignore the people rushing all about him. “The bus was heading north. That means that the bus stop is on the east side of the street. So we exited the bus facing east. We need to turn left, walk north to the edge of the block and cross the street heading west, then cross two more

“Right,” Zaluna sounded like she was smiling. “Take me there. Hera and your friends are waiting for you.”

Swallowing, he told himself that he could do this.  There had been so many harder things he had accomplished. Keeping the sounds of traffic above and to his left, he moved slowly and kept his cane anchored to the ground so that he could find the edge of the corner. Then he followed the edge of the corner to the left to face west. The buildings were high and blocked the sun so he needed to remember which direction he was facing at all times.

Deep breath. He checked in with the force for the safest time to cross. The Force pulsed with affirmation. Listening to the traffic and the people, he waited until the people rushed and the traffic to his right surged forward before he trusted the Force completely and stepped into the street walking as fast as he could to the other side. He veered slightly and when he stepped up on the sidewalk and walked forward he bumped into the building, but he turned following the edge of the building and turned west.

He was doing fine. This was great. With the Force, he was able to use the signatures of people as a way to help him move in a straight line. That way he didn’t have to trail and possibly bump into people or objects along the building.

Kanan smiled slightly.

000

Hera waited anxiously outside the spaceport for Kanan and Zaluna.

Stormtroopers patrolled the spaceport but because this world was so remote there were only a handful. There was nothing on this world the Empire wanted, thank the Force. But still she kept her head down and Ezra as well. He had insisted on standing out here with her just in case. They both kept hoods over their faces.

Zaluna had insisted that Kanan meet her at the spaceport and not in the village. How could she deny her when she had opened her home to Kanan and put herself at risk for harboring him? They were technically criminals in the Empire’s eyes. Though thankfully there were very few stormtroopers here. It was a remote world deemed to have no valuable resources to purge.

She wrung her hands nervously. Still, two blind people walking by themselves in the city? Zaluna had lived here for a while so she knew what she was doing even if Kanan didn’t, Hera told herself, trying to push the stereotypes about blindness aside. But still she worried over Kanan. He had the Force but that didn’t seem to help him much though he wasn’t himself since Malachor. He was a shadow of himself. And they needed him for this mission as much as she wanted him to stay with Zaluna for a little longer. Ezra needed him for this mission more than anything else.

“There he is,” Ezra announced, his eyes pinpointing Kanan making his way toward them slowly.

Hera didn’t want it to happen. She wanted to be stronger. But there was a moment when her heart broke in almost the exact same way it did when she first saw him exit the Phantom with the bandage over his eyes. Now she felt the dichotomy of seeing her gunslinging rogue surviving Jedi sweeping a cane before him tentatively checking for obstacles. His mask was on covering his eyes while Zaluna held his elbow. Her own cane not in use in her other hand. People walked around them, some staring, some deliberately avoiding them. Hera pushed that feeling deep down and buried it because on the other hand, he was walking by himself in a crowded city toward her. He was guiding Zaluna.

A stormtrooper pointed to the blind pair and nudged his companions. They watched, holding their breaths, as the stormtrooper approached Kanan and Zaluna. Ezra stiffened and put his hand on his blaster.

“Wait,” Hera whispered and moved them both more into the shadows. “We can't afford a scene. They’re too far away.”

Kanan stiffened and Hera got the impression he was aware of the threat but he kept walking albeit just slightly slower. The set of his jaw hardened. Ezra trembled in anger beside her. Ezra had trouble watching Kanan like this. She knew and could see it written all over him. He blamed himself for what happened and had been trying to be more active in missions to make up for Kanan’s absence. But he was always so quick to anger now so she didn’t bring it up. The time would someday be right for that conversation but not yet.

They watched in horror as the stormtrooper kicked the cane from Kanan’s hands. Kanan stumbled, tripped and nearly fell while Zaluna stumbled and let go of his arm.

“It’s illegal to wield weapons against the empire,” the stormtrooper taunted and picked up the cane, retracting it. “I’m going to have to confiscate it.”

“It’s not a weapon,” Zaluna protested. “It’s a cane.”

“It’s a weapon since he hit me with it.” The trooper approached her. “And it’s now the property of the empire.”

Zaluna took a step forward but Kanan put a hand out. “It’s okay.”

“Sabine,” Ezra whispered into his com. “We need a miracle.”

“Ezra!” Hera hissed but he suddenly disappeared from her side and a small explosion boomed from the other side of the building.

The trooper dropped the cane and ran toward the explosion. Kanan dropped to his knees searching for the object.

One man suddenly grabbed Kanan’s hands and he jumped clearly not expecting the touch and yanked his hand away. “Don’t touch me!”

“Just trying to help, man,” the man growled. He stalked away while Kanan’s hand moved along the ground.

Hera watched in fascination as Zaluna stepped up and knelt down beside him, reaching out for the cane with a little more aim than Kanan. Her hand was slightly off but her fingers grazed it as she adjusted her angle. She nudged the cane toward his hand and he finally found it. Zaluna was blind for all intents and purposes, but apparently had more vision than Kanan since she really did not have to search with her hand to locate the cane once she had bent down.

Then Zaluna moved slightly behind Kanan, took his arm and they continued walking. Hera could see Kanan shaking and Ezra appeared again beside her.

“We need to leave,” he said.

“What did you and Sabine do?” she groaned.

Kanan suddenly cocked his head once they were about two meters from him. “Ezra? Hera?”

She smiled and stepped forward to greet him touching his arm once she was close enough. “Right here. You’re doing great, Kanan. I’m so happy to see you.”

His smile withered and he shrugged. “Getting there, I guess.”

“He’s done wonderfully. And he didn’t bump me into anything at all.” Zaluna beamed.

"What was that guy doing?” Ezra asked and his voice was tinged with protective anger.

“He wanted to help me,” Kanan answered almost equally as irritated. “Some people think it’s better to just grab me rather than ask if I need help.”

Zaluna shrugged and Hera was acutely aware of how Zaluna was more or less making eye contact and not shifting her position as Kanan often did as sound projected a person’s location.

“People are sometimes strange,” Zaluna answered and smiled warmly. “Hera, take good care of him as you had. And stop by once in a while. It’s been lovely seeing you and having Kanan around. He is a great cook.”

Hera raised an eyebrow toward Kanan. “You cooked? More than caf?”

“She made me.” His head was aimed toward the ground but his body shifted slightly in her direction.

“I think that might be the best news I’ve heard all week.”

“Oh no.”

“Maybe you should make dinner later.” Hera grinned up at him, but he didn’t react. She felt a pang in her chest but moved on. They needed to get going. “Thank you so much, Zaluna.”

Zaluna waved her off, reached out and hugged her. “Take care of yourselves.” She nudged Kanan’s arm and hugged him. Her hand followed his arm up to his shoulders and his hand followed her arm to her shoulders.

They started heading back to the ship. Hera placed her hand to the back of his and he took her arm without question. Suddenly she looked utterly exhausted. Hera looked him up and down. “You got new clothes?”

"Zaluna’s idea,” Kanan said quickly. Then lowered his voice. “They’re less… restrictive. I can sense and move more easily in these. The two layers prevented me from feeling the air currents and pressure… sometimes. Are they nice? Do I look okay?”

“They look good,” Ezra said suddenly. “You know, I cut my hair.”

Kanan’s eyebrows rose behind the mask. “You did?”

“Yeah, check it out.” Ezra pushed his hood down and placed Kanan’s hand on top of his head. “All buzzed off.”

“Uh…I don’t…uh…It's very short.” Kanan stopped and felt along Ezra’s scalp. “You got taller too. I bet it looks more grown up.” He dropped his hand.

“Yeah I have,” Ezra said softly. He stared at Kanan, looking guilty and like he had been kicked in the shin.

Hera felt a little sick herself but pulled herself out of it when she heard shouts. “We need to go. Catch up later. Ezra and Sabine’s distraction has now put us in danger. Hurry!” She took Kanan’s hand and yanked him in the direction of the Ghost.

“Let me take your arm! Don’t grab me!” he snapped and she flinched internally. “It’ll be easier for both of us!” He pulled his hand from her grip and took her arm above her elbow.

000

In the main room, Sabine watched Kanan set his mask down on the table and massaged his eyes. They were safely in hyperspace, and narrowly avoiding imperial detection. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“Kanan,” Sabine said quietly. “The med droid has told you not to rub them.”

He dropped his hand and gritted his teeth.

“You need to be more careful,” Kanan told Sabine and Ezra. “You could have now put Zaluna and the people of that world in danger. They might already be receiving more heavy surveillance because you made rebel activity a part of their lives.”

“Sorry for protecting you!” Ezra growled. “If we hadn’t done anything then where would you be now. Cane-less and possibly taken into custody…again.”

“Sorry, Kanan. I wasn’t thinking,” Sabine said. “But Ezra also has a point. We were just trying to help.”

Kanan clenched his hands. “Everyone is just trying to help.” He turned around and started walking toward the hallway toward his chambers but not before he stumbled on a box of food tossed carelessly on the floor.

Sabine’s stomach tightened. “Oh—Kanan—!”

“I don’t know why you all just didn’t leave me,” he grumbled, stepping carefully over the box and trailing the wall with his hand before disappearing down the hall.

Ezra kicked a wall in frustration and ran his hands angrily through his short hair. Sabine took a deep breath. It had been like this for months. Ezra couldn’t seem to hold his cool and Kanan… Kanan wasn’t there. He was physically but his usual confident and calm self was gone. The Ghost truly felt like its name lately. Even Sabine hadn’t painted as much. It wasn’t as fun knowing that the one you painted for couldn’t appreciate it or take part in the joke or whatever it was she painted.

“Ezra,” she said softly. “You know he understands. This isn’t about us.” It wasn’t.

She had seen this before among other Mandalorians. This was about the fact that Kanan had needed Zaluna’s help and how that need had put her at risk. Yes, she and Ezra weren’t thinking and exacerbated the whole thing, but it came down to the fact that Kanan couldn’t protect Zaluna. That the stormtrooper had caught him off guard and he didn’t protect her as he usually would have. He gave in to their bullying. She hadn’t seen it but Ezra had told her about it.

Maybe he would someday be able to use the Force in a way she couldn’t imagine and work around it…but not yet. She knew better than most that it took time to learn a new complex skill no matter how dire the situation. She hoped for Kanan’s and Ezra’s sake that he would prove her wrong and learn it faster. That one day it would just click… or something.

“He doesn’t understand,” Ezra was saying, pulling her from her thoughts. “He doesn’t see what’s going on. He doesn’t understand and he doesn’t even want to.”

“He does. He just needs some time.”

“How much time?” Ezra’s eyes were wide with too many emotions in them. Fear. Guilt. Anger. Grief.

Sabine shook her head. “I don't know…just…time.”

Ezra snorted. “Yeah, well, we don’t have time. I need a new lightsaber and the next mission is my best shot at finding a new crystal.” With that he stalked off toward his own quarters.

She watched him until he disappeared behind the door. Sabine knew Zeb was in the cockpit with Hera, having taken Kanan’s place as copilot for the time being. Making her way there, she took deep breaths trying to burn both Kanan’s and Ezra’s hurt faces from her mind. Though she did pick up his mask from where it was abandoned on the table.

“Hey,” she greeted as she walked into the cockpit. “We're not going right to there, are we?”

Hera shook her head. “No. We’re going to head back to base for a while before and get as much intel as we can before we head there. The place is crawling with Imperials and we need to be careful. Usually it’s one of the other cells that does missions like our next one.” She paused. “It’s particularly dangerous for us because of our two Jedi. They use places like this to lure Jedi and kill them off… a long time ago.”

Sabine shuddered and sat down.

Zeb looked thoughtful. “Kanan only ever talked about the massacre once to me in order to get me to listen when I first joined the crew. We both felt like the last… and I learned that Kanan loves to drink. All in the same night.”

Hera rolled her eyes. “Thankfully, Sabine, that part of his life is over… mostly anyway.”

Zeb chuckled. “Was convinced he could keep up with me at the time. Made a big show of it and ended up passing out right on the floor. I had to drag him back to Hera even though I was about to pass out myself.” He laughed heartily and Sabine couldn’t suppress a giggle, imagining it all too easily.

A few moments of silence passed before Hera said, “It took Kanan a long time to tell me about his past. I used to try and force it from him. Trick it out of him really.” She gave a lopsided and mischievous grin and then her expression sobered. “I wanted to see what he could really do…but then I learned more about what happened and I couldn’t ask that of him. Until he was ready himself.”

“Have you told him about the mission?” Sabine asked quietly.

Hera was silent and that was answer enough.

Sabine stared at the blank mask in her hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably be updated every 3 days. Life is a tad unpredictable at the moment but that's the goal.
> 
> Comments are loved.


	3. Good Days and Bad Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan returns to base, and has a drink with Rex

Chopper Base was harder to navigate than Zaluna’s village. There were no clear sidewalks and paths to follow. Even the traffic and noise of the city had created non-physical walls of sound to line up with and follow. If traffic passed in front of you, then you were approaching a corner to an intersection. Despite the chaos, it made sense. Chopper Base was a lot of open space with sporadic and ever-changing paths created by storage crates and supplies. What made matters worse was that the storage containers felt the same, were made of the same material and shape so the Force or his fingers couldn’t find a way to differentiate them, and therefore they couldn’t serve as landmarks to let him know where he was. There were some sound clues such as ship engines (and the smell of exhaust) indicating he was near the training, the hum of a generator at the opposite end of base from the ships, and landing area of base and the beeping of the perimeter sensors that he dare not cross.

Basically base was a blind man’s nightmare. Everything felt longer in open spaces, and he found himself really reaching out in the Force to find something to serve as a beacon to head towards and focus. But if he did that, sometimes he would forget to move his cane back and forth properly and now his shins surely had bruises all over them. However, it was a little easier to navigate by where the makeshift living quarters were constructed for the other pilots… as Kanan learned by accidentally getting lost there.

It had been a few days and yet no matter how much he practiced, it didn’t seem to get any easier walking on his own. To the contrary, he found that the whole experience of constantly feeling and checking the ground with the cane and the Force was incredibly disconcerting. He also found himself straining his eyes behind the mask at times involuntarily.

“Kanan!” a voice boomed from somewhere to Kanan’s right as he trailed the side of something metal.

Nearly dropping his cane in surprise, Kanan stopped dead in his tracks. He was so focused on trying to extend his senses with the Force that he hadn’t been paying attention to the people around him. The Force told him that there were large hollow objects, and mostly likely that meant they were the living quarters for the pilots and other Rebels on base.

“How have you been? It’s Rex,” the voice continued, followed by footsteps. Of course it was Rex. “Did I startle you?” He chuckled.

“No, Gramps. Of course not.” Frowning, Kanan turned to face the man and pulled his cane upright. Part of him wanted to retract it and hide it from view but it was too late. Surely, Rex had been watching him without his knowing.

Slap! He wobbled off balance slightly as Rex suddenly gave his shoulder a friendly shake. “Of course not,” Rex echoed good-naturedly. “So how’s it going?”

“It’s going fine, you know. Just…walking.” Yeah, real smooth response, he thought to himself. He tapped his cane against the ground nervously. He could sense Rex’s understanding in the Force. He turned toward the man and aimed his face based on where his voice came from combined with where he felt the man was. “How’re you?”

“Good, good. You know how things go. Been doing a bit of recon work and getting ready for the upcoming mission. Wanna join me for a drink? Have to say this recon work paid off, nabbed a few crates of the good stuff while those damn buckets weren’t looked. Sato wasn’t too happy…” He paused and then gave a hearty chuckle. “Told him I’d get rid of it. Get paid for it or something. But you know the squad’s got to unwind somehow. Come on.”

Kanan had to give a small laugh at that. And how could he say no to a drink? He needed to unwind too. “Sure. Lead the way.”

Rex started walking and Kanan found it was easy to follow his signature and his intention in the Force. He stayed a few steps behind the man so as not to hit him with his cane.

They didn’t walk far before they stopped. Kanan could tell that they were still around where all the makeshift living quarters were set up. The buildings he had been trailing didn’t feel different and nothing about the surroundings had changed in the Force as far as he could tell.

“These are my quarters,” Rex announced and fiddled with what Kanan assumed was a lock pad by the doorframe. “Nothing fancy but better than the other quarters. This one has a view.”

Kanan didn’t say anything to that. He just couldn’t bring himself to make blind jokes. Sometimes he wanted to but for the most part they just made him feel like he was missing something. He was always missing something now. Maybe over time it would get easier…but not yet.

The door opened and he heard Rex step through. Kanan’s brow furrowed in concentration. He couldn’t quite sense the edges of the door just the hollowness of the room. Using the cane, he found there was a lip in the door and carefully stepped over it. Then he was stranded. He could sense the objects but not what they were.

The door closed and Rex moved further in the room and started to dig in the cabinets and crates. The sounds of the doors banging telling Kanan there were quite a few. He smirked. “How much stuff do you have, Rex?”

“Just a few crates of things. I’m a bit of a hoarder in my old age.” He laughed. “I tend to keep things I find from before the Empire. You never know if you’ll be seeing those things for the last time, you know? “

“Yeah, I know…” Kanan said, trying not to think about seeing things for the last time as the memories of Malachor flashed through his mind. And how every morning he feared that his visual memory was fading. Sometimes he went through ridiculous meditations and “mental training” to try and make sure he wouldn’t lose those memories. He never wanted to forget Hera’s face, the brilliant color of her skin, Ezra’s blue eyes. Sabine’s paintings and ever-changing appearance. Zeb chasing Chopper.

“Well are you going to stand there all day?”

Kanan frowned and took a few steps toward Rex. “You want to let me know where a seat is?” He reached out with the Force. But here there were no intentions. No dangers. Nothing to sense beyond Rex’s life force. He swept the cane out and located something hard. He walked up to it and reached out with his hand. Table.

“There’s a chair to your right directly across from me,” Rex explained. Kanan trailed along the table’s edge with his hand and located the chair with his cane and sat.

There was the sound of something pouring. “You are going to love this.” A cup slid across the table. “I couldn’t believe it when I opened the crate. Those stormtroopers or whoever is ordering knows what’s good.”

Kanan slid his hand carefully over the table toward where he heard Rex slide the cup. He took a sip and smiled. “I don’t think I ever could afford this stuff.”

“Ah, you were too young in the days of the Clone Wars then. This was General Kenobi’s favorite.”

“Hey, I was only fourteen.” Kanan laughed, thinking of the Jedi Master sipping this bubbling smoky liquid that burned just a little as it went down. “You know, that doesn’t surprise me at all. He would like only the fine stuff. I could only afford the home-brewed moonshine most of my life. The cheap stuff that made you feel like your brain was being sucked through your nostrils.”

Rex clicked his tongue. “Yuck. Drink up just to educate yourself in proper liquor.”

Kanan took another sip, tilting his head as he rolled his eyes toward Rex. Something in his gut told him not to get too drunk but something else told him what else did he have to lose? He drank more deeply.

“That’s it. Cheers to making it this far!” Rex clinked his glass to Kanan’s and they both drank deeply.

They proceeded to forget the Rebellion and the base and everything that had happened. Kanan’s meager concentration on the Force slipped and it simply supplied him whatever it liked. In the Force, Rex flooded him with mirth and positivity. Despite everything the clone had been through, he was a survivor. He moved forward and he wasn’t treating Kanan like he was a bomb ready to explode. It was…refreshing.

Rex had Kanan holding his side in laughter as the clone told him of all the trouble Skywalker used to get them all into. Kanan in turn told him of some of the more ridiculous things he had done before he had met Hera. It felt good to laugh. He hadn’t laughed in a long time and he wasn’t spilling anything despite the fact he’d lost contact with the Force—no surprise—and was quite drunk. He thought maybe…maybe he would be okay. That he’d get through this.

“How long are you going to be around?” Kanan slurred a while later after he caught his breath when Rex finally finished a story of how Skywalker had thrown him from a cliff and he thought he was going to die.

“I’ll be with you on your next mission,” Rex explained as seriously as he could. “You’re going to need my expertise or so I’m told. You know, I like the jaig eyes on your mask. Sabine cornered me not to long ago to talk about why I have jaig eyes on my helmet.”

“Jaig eyes?” Kanan asked completely confused. “What are you talking about?”

“You have white jaig eyes painted on your mask. It’s fitting. You’re a survivor, Kanan.” Rex clinked his cup to Kanan’s again.

Kanan sipped and then shakily set down his glass. He reached up and pulled off his mask and ran his fingers on both sides. Of course it didn’t feel any different. Suddenly there was a heavy silence in the room. Rex hadn’t seen Kanan’s eyes since they had been free of the bandages.

“So I have a question?” Rex slurred slightly.

Kanan shifted and angled his head toward Rex raising his eyebrows in question.

“How come you face me? Aren’t blind people supposed to stare off into the distance vacantly?”

Kanan scoffed and remembered Zaluna giving him a hard time for not facing her when he was speaking to her. “I mean some people would think it’s rude if I did that regardless of whether I could see or not. I mean I can hear where you are so I have some idea of how your body is angled in relation to mine…so I can face you and make expressions at you. Just I can’t see your expressions or body language. The Force doesn’t help much unless they’re strong intentions… Plus, you know, it’s a leftover from… before…”

There was a pause. Awkward for Kanan because he really had no idea of what Rex was thinking. Was he furrowing his brow in understanding? Or was he raising them slightly and pressing his lips together in pity. Whatever Rex was feeling, the Force didn’t want him to know. So he waited with gathering stress.

“If I ever see Maul, I will pulverize him,” Rex vowed drunkenly.

Kanan chuckled mirthlessly and replaced the mask. “I don’t know if I deserve the eyes of the jaig.”

“We all feel that way when we get something honorable but of course you do. Don’t be an idiot.” Rex drained his glass and slammed it on the table. “And that’s the end of that bottle.”

Kanan drained his as well. “The end?” How drunk was he? He was suddenly afraid to move and have the world start spinning. “What time is it?”

“Late. The sun went down a while ago.”

Kanan groaned. He didn’t have his com on him and Hera was probably having a fit. “I should probably head back to the Ghost.” He stood up and immediately everything started to spin. His cane dropped and he stumbled out of his chair but managed not to fall.

“I can guide you, if you want. I wouldn’t mind a walk to clear my head.” Rex stretched and Kanan could hear his bones cracking with the movement. “Maybe we can find some food along the way. I’ve got nothing here.”

“Sounds like you could use the movement,” he chuckled, trying to shove down the thoughts of being a burden and stay positive. Bending down he began searching for the retracted cane. But the movement put him off balance and he plopped to the ground. They both started laughing. Rex yanked on his arm and put his cane in his hand.

Kanan took his arm above the elbow. “You know, I might be able to help with finding food. I know Zeb has a habit of hoarding the good rations. You might be able to bribe him for a bottle?”

Rex paused. “I don’t know if it’s worth it?” He laughed. “I’ll give him some of the other stuff I rescued from the Empire.” He dragged Kanan over to the crate and grabbed something. “All right. All set. Let’s find that Lasat.”

They staggered from Rex’s quarters into the fresh air. The night wind was cool and rejuvenating on Kanan’s face. It was refreshing after being inside Rex’s warm cabin. He felt eyes on him.

“I can tell you’re staring,” he said. He checked and made sure his mask was in place.

“Sorry.” Rex’s emotions had sobered as they walked in the cool air. “Just thinking about the past.”

“I try not to do that to be honest,” Kanan said. He definitely didn’t want to ruin his rare good mood with the past. “Especially now.”

“Heh, not a bad motto.” Rex chuckled. “We’re getting close to the Ghost. Would Zeb be on the ship?”

Kanan stopped and turned all his focus to the Force. At first it was overwhelming like it had been becoming lately with everyone’s emotions flooding him. But then he pinpointed the signature that was unmistakably Zeb. Most signatures didn’t mean anything to Kanan, Most signatures were impossible for Kanan to differentiate until he got to know the person well enough to become familiar with its individual nuances. Besides the crew, he really couldn’t pinpoint anyone else on base or know who they were if they approached him.

“Definitely on the ship.” His stomach grumbled. “Let’s do this.”

They found Zeb in the main room eating waffles. Kanan could hear Rex’s grin as they stumbled inside.

“Don’t let Hera see you both like that,” Zeb said chuckling. “She’ll kick you off her ship.”

“We have a proposition for you, Zeb,” Rex said. His body shifted and Kanan assumed he was lifting the bottle to show Zeb. “This for some of those rations you’ve been hiding—”

“Kanan! You knew! I knew someone had been stealing them.”

Kanan couldn’t help but give a guilty smile. He leaned heavily on Rex as the world spun and hated how helpless he felt. “The universe is still full of surprises.”

Zeb got up and walked over to inspect the bottle. He whistled. “This stuff is strong. Deal. Here.” He moved through the room and opened the back cabinet pushing behind the bowls for the secret stash Kanan had found accidentally when he was searching for a cup in the early days after Malachor. He couldn’t read the wrappers but he had been hungry and at the time didn’t care if what he ate killed him… turns out it was delicious and one of the better foods they kept around base.

“Whoa!” Rex exclaimed. “I knew those ones were missing!” Something was thrust into Kanan’s hand. Rex pulled his arm from Kanan and went to sit with Zeb. Kanan swayed in the room without anything to ground him.

A bottle opened and Zeb inhaled. “Mind if I catch up to you both?”

“Be my guest,” Rex said with his mouth full. “We have to start the mission soon and you know there won’t be any fun happening when that starts.”

Hazily, Kanan wondered what the mission could possibly be. He held his hand out and felt for the table to sit with the two of them and ate whatever was in his hand.

It was salty and sweet and had a magnificent crunch. Whatever it was. 

000

Hera woke in the early hours of the morning before the sun had risen to find three beings passed out drunk at the table. She was not pleased with the situation and didn’t want Ezra to get any ideas on what was acceptable in her ship. Because this was not acceptable at all.

However, she paused watching the three. Zeb cracked an eye, rubbing his hand over his ears and shuddering. He looked at Rex and Kanan who didn’t look like they were going to wake without some effort. There were ration wrappers everywhere.

“You are cleaning this up,” she mouthed to the Lasat.

He groaned silently and pointed to the other two. “It was their idea.”

“Then make them help.”

Zeb paused. “Even Kanan?” He looked like he hated the words that came out of his mouth even as he said them.

Hera took a long look at the Jedi, mask askew and on the table. The scar still looked painful and he twitched in his sleep as if in agreement with her thought. But he had known better than to drink in her ship. She couldn’t give him a pass. Zaluna had told her not to give him any passes. “It’ll only reinforce his thinking that he can’t do anything. And he can. More so than me I think,” she had said over hologram one night early on in the days after Malachor.

“Especially Kanan,” Hera said. “You’re going to tell him and if he complains send him to me.”

Zeb sighed and disentangled himself from the table. “Might as well sleep the rest of the night in my own bed,” he grumbled and moved past her. “You going to let them sleep there?”

She thought about it for a second then decided it was in her best interest to kick them both out. “No.”

Carefully, she moved toward Rex and Kanan. “Hey, you two, you need to wake up. My day is already starting.”

Rex groaned. “That was definitely the bad stuff.”

Hera crossed her arms. “I thought Sato told you to get rid of it.”

“Oh we got rid of it.” Rex took a deep breath and pulled himself to his feet, nudging Kanan who woke with a panicked start.

“Yeah, I was expecting that,” Rex muttered as Hera stepped closer. Kanan jerked in their direction and blinked his sightless eyes a few times before a look crossed his face that was something between remembering, disbelief and overwhelming grief.

“Where am I?” he groaned, feeling the table with furrowed eyebrows.

“In my ship in the main room,” Hera explained hotly, trying to remain in character and not run to his rescue. She couldn’t. “And disrupting my plans for hot morning caf.”

Kanan groaned and moved to stand on shaky legs. Hera watched as he slowly made his way across the room hands outstretched, one palm down, the other palm out. “Rex?” he called out.

“Still here, buddy,” Rex said. “It was a hell of a night, eh?”

Kanan gave a small smile. “Thanks, man. I needed that.”

“No problem. I’ll head back to my quarters I think.” Rex nodded to Hera and made his way past her.

Kanan reached the wall and concentrated. Then he sighed. “I’m a little turned around I think.”

Hera’s shoulders slumped. “I’ll lead you.”

“No.” Kanan turned and, trailing the wall, left the room in the correct direction of his quarters. It took him a long time and she saw him count the doors but then he disappeared.

She took a deep breath. He had been like that ever since he got back: determined not to let others lead him and yet not present. He was gone but in a different way than before. Before, he allowed others to help him but he would hardly speak even on the good days. Now… she didn’t know what to call it. He was there. He was coping and yet he wasn’t the Kanan she knew. Just a shadow going through the motions of living.

She took a sip of caf and scowled as the jet-fuel tasting liquid slid down her throat. Kanan always could make better caf than she could and she missed it even more so now.

000

Today was one of the bad days.

A day when his blindness felt thick in his life and the grief and loss it represented overwhelming everything he did.

Like cleaning the Ghost. He felt inadequate and kept getting lost and forgetting the areas he had already checked and/or cleaned. Finding those wrappers was a nightmare. He thought at first that Zeb was going to help but Hera had Rex and Zeb cleaning the outside of the ship while Kanan cleaned the inside.

Reaching out with the Force, he tried to determine the spots he had already cleaned but found that he sensed nothing but that there were things around him. Not helpful and it made his head hurt so that he was distracted enough to tip over the cleaner. Grumbling, he got down on all fours with a rag and began to clear in systematic circles like how Zaluna taught him and hoped for the best. Stupid unreliable Force. He didn’t trust what it told him beyond what was immediately around him. It hadn’t saved his sight or his master.

Something else he began to notice about not being able to see was that he seemed to be unaware of when he was doing something, like how his head dips down when he’s concentrating or he’s slightly rocking or drumming his fingers. These things go unnoticed until someone says something or he suddenly realizes that someone could be watching. It was worse when he was waiting… but he found that his head was nearly touching his chest, he was so focused on his hands and what was around him.

“Looks good.”

He twitched out of his reverie and sat back on his shins. His cheeks burned in embarrassment as he came to terms with the fact that someone was watching. Why was someone always watching? He recognized the voice. Female. But he had been so distracted that he couldn’t put a name to it. His ears began to burn with increasing shame and worthlessness.

The person—whoever she was—paused and seemed to figure out what was the problem, “It’s Sabine and it looks good compared to what it was this morning,” Sabine said and laughed nervously. “I’m impressed.”

“So am I,” he replied without feeling and tried to shove down the feelings of uselessness.

“We have the mission briefing this afternoon. Hera wanted me to remind you.”

“Ah yes, General Hera.” Kanan frowned. “I shouldn’t be going. I’ll be putting you all at risk.”

Sabine was quiet for a moment. “Hera insists.”

He sighed. After her harsh words this morning concerning cleaning, he wasn’t about to cross her now. The last thing he wanted was to end up on garbage duty or something equally awful. “What time is it?”

“Anyway before that, the medical droid wants to see you. Hera told me that you should get cleared by him before she assigns you to the mission.”

Oh great, Kanan thought. More fantastic news he was sure. He wasn’t even sure where his mask was—? A thought popped in his head. “Sabine, did you paint jaig eyes on my mask?”

She gave a nervous laugh. “Uh…yeah that was me. It was so bland and blank… you know the jaig has the most powerful eyes in all the galaxy. In Mandalore, it is considered the most honorable and fearsome creature. There was a story my mother used to tell me when I was younger…” She stopped talking. “Never mind.”

Despite the uncomfortable twist in Kanan’s gut at being the center of attention again, he was curious. Jaig eyes were awarded and painted on the helmets of the clones who had done something heroic and honorable in the Clone Wars. Rex had a pair on his helmet. Kanan had never asked him about what he did… he didn’t really want to know actually.

But Sabine didn’t willingly talk about her childhood, though he didn’t like that it was because of his circumstance. He got up and extended his cane. Sabine didn’t offer to lead him and he didn’t ask, though he really only had a rough idea of where the medical droid was located and no landmark to know when he actually found it… eventually he would have to ask.

As they exited the ship, he felt the openness of the air rather than the sun on his face. He must be in the shade of the giant fauna the base was under, but he still kept his eyes closed because they were still sensitive. “Are you going to tell me the story?” He kept track of her Force signature to follow rather than keeping track of his location in his head. It wasn’t the smartest move because if he lost Sabine, he was screwed.

“Oh, you want to know?” she asked and laughed nervously.

He nodded but wasn’t sure if she was facing him. “Yes,” he said.

“There was a story of how the bravest warriors would climb to the highest mountains to fight the jaig. But no one could take down the jaig and those who survived were given the highest honor… It wasn’t about who could defeat it because if someone could defeat it then it wouldn’t be honorable. It was about the battle. The jaig didn’t kill for sport. It attacked to protect its family, which, as you know, is something very important to Mandalorians. Surviving the jaig meant that you understand that importance and would protect your family…” She trailed off and turned a corner. Kanan swept his cane in a larger arc, finding no obstacles, and followed her.

“Anyway, there was a clan leader who had a son with albinism—they didn’t know what it was back then and it was considered a curse—and his mother died in childbirth,” she continued after the silence of watching him turn. “So the nurse maid brought the child to the mountain and left it to die. The clan leader remarried but he never had any children. His power waned. Other clans came in and began taking over his land and he couldn’t protect the people who lived there. But what he didn’t know was that his son had been adopted by the jaig and raised high in the mountain clouds. The son asked the jaig who the man was who couldn’t protect his people and the jaig explained—because in the story the falcon could speak—that it was his father. The son was shocked and couldn’t let his clan fall even if they hadn’t been the ones who raised him. He rallied the jaigs to help him protect his people, using their keen eyes to anticipate enemies far away. The son protected his clan and was reunited with his father to become one of the greatest leaders of early Mandalore.”

She stopped walking and so did Kanan.

“You…” He couldn’t believe she thought he was worthy of that and he was incredibly flattered. Trying to smile, he joked to lighten the mood. “You think that I’m like the greatest leader that ever ruled Mandalore.”

She laughed and his smile softened and became genuine. It occurred to him he hadn’t smiled much and it felt strange on his face. He wondered if she was smiling too.

“You? Of course not!” She joked and nudged him playfully making him laugh as well.

“Oh good, you had me worried that I needed to have your sanity checked,” he joked back, then arced his cane. “So where is this medical droid I need to see? Are we here? I don’t have a landmark to know where it is…”

“Yeah, we’re here. If you turn left and walk forward you’ll find the side of the makeshift building. I don’t know how you’ll find it but I guess since I know you know where Rex lives, it’s on the opposite side of those living spaces and it’s like one of three buildings… actually you can find it because it’s the one in the middle so no matter what direction you come from it’s the second door,” Sabine explained, obviously thinking it out while she talked. He knew she had been there when Zaluna explained what Kanan needed to know about locations in order to understand them and how to locate them. Telling him the building was pink or that there was a sign on the door wasn’t helpful. He needed to know things like doormats and distinctive plants outside doorways.

“Okay thanks. Is there a doormat?”

He heard her shift her body. Probably looking closer. “Yeah it’s the only one with a doormat actually. I wonder why?”

Arcing his cane further as he turned left, then sweeping it back and forth, he located the side of the building. Then he continued sweeping his cane, searching for the doormat. That was easier than trailing the wall with his hand or trailing with his cane and lifting it to check if there was a lip in the threshold indicating a door. Keeping close to the building, his cane snagged on something rough yet squishy like braided rubber. Taking a careful step further he brought his cane to the side of the building, located the lip of what he assumed was the door, brought the cane vertically against it and touched it. Metal. He slid his cane across what he assumed was the door but didn’t find a knob…great. That meant it was button activated. Rolling his eyes behind his lids, he located the frame with his cane then began searching with his hand. The buttons tended to be on the left side of the frame so he searched there first and—found it!

The door swished open.

Easier than elevators. There was no organization to how those were constructed. No general way buttons were placed or organized. Even the type of buttons and panels were different in every single one. Elevators were a nightmare and it was just easier to have someone push buttons for him… the only consistent elevators he knew of were Imperial. But if he was lucky, he would never be in one of those.

“Sabine?” he called out, wondering if she had left or was still watching him.

There was a moment of silence and he was about to turn into the medical room when—“Yeah, Kanan, I’m still here.”

He tapped his cane. “Thank you. I really appreciate you telling me all that and for giving me a pair of jaig eyes.” And he meant it. Every word. Trying to look at her, he gave her a soft smile and was happy she could see his full face. Maybe he could still convey how much it meant to him “…and if you could find my mask—I think it’s in my room—that would be amazing.” He grinned and turned into the medical wing.

“Ah, Mr. Jarrus,” the medical droid greeted. “It’s been about a month and I wanted to check your physical status.”

The headache he had forgot about while Sabine was telling her story returned.

The droid completed several tests and confirmed that his eyes were still non-functional. He still didn’t quite understand what “corneal scarring,” “cataracts” and all that meant to how they looked. He tried to tell himself it didn’t matter. But he did. He didn’t want to look bad. Zaluna told him that just because he was blind and that maybe he was told that blind people don’t care about how they looked, doesn’t mean that she didn’t care or that he would grow to not care.

“Just how the way other things look may not mean as much to you,” she explained. “Like when someone describes a place you may not care about the walls being yellow… but if it’s your house then maybe you will. Because yellow walls are disgusting.” She had laughed at her own joke. “But you know, everyone’s different. That’s just how I feel.”

He also knew that sometimes she tried to pass as sighted like when she was buying clothes and didn’t want to be bothered with explaining why she cared about looks to the store clerks when asking their opinions. He couldn’t do that. He knew his eyes looked blind, however they actually looked.

“Mr. Jarrus?” the droid repeated in a way that seemed irritated. “I asked you if you are still experiencing light sensitivity?”

He was lying back in the chair while the droid had given him drops so that he could attempt to look in his eyes and check Kanan’s retinas and optic nerve. However, with the scarring—the droid had complained—it was difficult to really see anything. Kanan could relate.

“Yes,” he said.

“Then I am warning you that I will be shining a light in your eyes to try and check the inside of your eyes.”

There was a slight sting and he cringed but beyond that nothing else indicated the light. And the sting numbed after a few minutes.

“Please angle your eyes down and to the left.” The medical droid tapped Kanan’s lower left cheek and he looked toward it. “Now down and to the right.” The droid tapped Kanan’s lower right cheek. And that was how the test continued. Kanan complying without seeing anything and he was even more acutely aware of the lack of vision because of these stupid tests. Actually it made him nauseous trying to see and there being nothing. It was like trying to look out, but being reverted back into his skull like a strange vertigo.

The check up was complete and the droid advised that he was fit and not in danger of infection, but that he should return if there was any changes especially in regards to his vision.

“Sabine Wren is waiting for you in the doorway,” the droid explained and Kanan raised his eyebrows. Had she waited that whole time? The droid lead him to the exit.

“Hi Kanan,” she greeted. “It’s Sabine.”

“I know. Did you wait the whole time?”

“Oh no. I found your mask.” The object was brushed against his hand and he took it placing it on his face.

“Thanks.”

“It’s time for the debrief. What did the droid say?”

“I’m fit and healthy…minus the things that won’t heal.”

“Right…” Silence and it was awkward. Sabine shifted her weight. “Do you want me to guide you?”

“No…I’ll just follow your footsteps and…and I can kind of sense you in the Force,” he explained feeling nervous and pitiful again. The thought of a mission made him want to throw up and his head panged in pain.

Pressing his lips together and shoving down his inadequacies, he pulled his cane from his belt, extending it in one fluid motion. He followed Sabine’s signature in the Force out of the Ghost across the base. Every step felt twice as long and seemingly took twice as much effort as normal. He was having trouble focusing on his surroundings and keeping track of where he was going. Perhaps he was hung-over and everything was still foggy. There wasn’t enough concentration and motivation in body to even extend his senses to the ground where his cane touched, like he had been practicing. Keeping the cane against the ground as he swept it back and forth, he was aware of the roughness of the ground as it vibrated the metal shaft slightly. There were no obstacles on the path Sabine took. No buildings. Just open space. He tripped over his feet in his carelessness, walking too fast to keep up with Sabine’s signature.

Until she stopped and Kanan’s cane tapped the edge of… something. The holoprojector most likely. He didn’t feel like extending his senses or reaching out to touch it to confirm. It’s not like he could see what was projected anyway.

Ezra was here. His presence was like a star pulsating with brilliance and life as the Force moved through him. Hera was there and so was Zeb along with Rex but their signatures, though he had learned to recognize them, didn’t have the strength of sensation that Ezra’s did. It was almost overwhelming and he thought about cutting himself off from the Force completely, having grown used to the absence of feedback from the environment.

“Kanan, it’s Hera,” Hera said. She had gotten into the habit of announcing who she was when he walked up in situations where she might not be expected to be. “Okay you’re all here: Rex, Zeb, Ezra, Sabine and Sato.”

Ah, that was the one he didn’t recognize. Of course Sato was here.

“Yeah, we’re all finally here,” Ezra said impatiently. “Can we please have this briefing?”

“So as you all may know already,” Hera began. “Imperial troops have been increasing especially around the temple in Jedha City—”

“Jedha City,” Kanan interrupted. “Hera, I can’t go there. It’s like a death sentence.”

“Kanan, we need you to go there. You and Ezra are the only Force-sensitive humans that we know of. There are a lot of weird things that happen there as with any location with high kyber content. There are a lot of people in need of aid. There was a signal for help from the guardians of the Whills. We just need to go in there, blend in, offer aid and get out. You and Ezra have the best chance at that,” Hera explained, but he wasn’t convinced.

“There’s nothing I can do. I have never been to Jedha. I’m of no help.”

“Actually…” Hera took a deep breath. “The Empire knows what a lot of us look like. You know, Ezra and you have… changed a lot over the past few months. The likelihood of them recognizing you without… knowing… is very low.”

“It’s still dangerous. I can’t see.”

“They’re only letting refugees near the temple. People on pilgrimages and beggars to beg the troopers for credits. You would be going posed as—”

“A blind refugee or beggar?” Kanan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I can’t believe this.”

Ezra’s signature in the Force pulsed with emotion: anger, defensiveness, guilt.

“I don’t want to ask this of you but we have no choice. We’re spread thin at the moment.” Hera’s voice was trembling. “This is our mission. Please don’t make Ezra go alone.”

Kanan turned and faced the sky. “…I have a bad feeling about this.”

“I know but this is our mission. They need us. We have to help. I’ve been putting this off as long as I could hoping that someone else would take it and that was irresponsible of me,” Hera explained sternly. “I am going to drop you at a spaceport that will take you to Coruscant and then you will take a refugee liner to Jedha City from there. We need to be extra careful.”

And Kanan was going to get them killed. He couldn’t do this. He wasn’t ready and he didn’t think he ever would be. His eyes were broken. There was nothing he could see or do like he could before. A coldness spread throughout his body. “Whose idea was this?”

“Ezra’s,” Hera answered. Her voice was from across the holotable. “He’s taking the lead on this mission.”

“I’ve been in contact with some people,” Ezra said and there was an edge to his voice Kanan didn’t like.

There was… something about Ezra lately that unnerved him. Kanan shivered dwelling on the subject and inadvertently extending his Force awareness toward Ezra in involuntary curiosity.

Gasping—it felt like a burning freezing sensation shocked him through the Force and he instantly stumbled back and shut it out. Somebody caught him and the sensation of the world spinning came over him. Large clawed hands on his shoulders: Zeb. Of course it was Zeb. Those hands were huge and clawed. And the smell.

“Kanan?” Sabine’s voice asked worriedly.

It was too much. All over him and pressing him to agree and see Ezra’s way. He was pretty sure it didn’t used to feel like this, but then again maybe he did. It’s not like he was constantly trying to sense people around him before.

“Are you okay?” Zeb asked as Kanan straightened himself and pulled himself away from the Lasat.

“Yeah…just dizzy for a second.” He swallowed and blinked rapidly trying to regain his composure. This is exactly why he shouldn’t be doing missions.

“We need to do this, Kanan,” Ezra continued undaunted. “Those people need us. You just have to do this one thing. Get us close to the temple and I’ll take over. That’s the plan and then you can go back to…whatever you’re doing.”

“Ezra!” Hera hissed.

Kanan gritted his teeth, anger spiking from nowhere and rose to the challenge regardless of what logic said. “It’s fine. I’ll go. But I think this is all a bad idea. You all have no idea. No idea what these places are like—were like for Jedi.” He pulled himself away from Zeb and tapped his cane against the ground.

Hera continued to debrief the mission, talking about plans and roads all throughout the city. But Kanan couldn’t focus. He had never been to Jedha when he was still a Jedi. But of course he had wanted to go. It was one of the first temples ever built by the Jedi. One of the first places Force-sensitive beings connected and used the kyber crystals. It was one of the places you would tell the little younglings about to scare them. It was probably even more haunting now since the Jedi were hunted down and killed.

Nausea swirled inside his stomach just thinking about the death that surrounded Jedha. With that feeling brought back the sensation of when he—of when he—felt the betrayal of the clones and the instantaneous death of thousands of Jedi across the galaxy. It had stopped him in his tracks as he ran for his Master.

He couldn’t hear the others around him. His grip on his cane tightened because it was the only thing keeping him in the present. The Force was coming in waves trying to pull him under the horror of that moment and visions of sand, trees, and contorted silhouettes flashed through his mind: a mingling of both past and future. He squeezed his eyes closed and willed the blankness to return. The nothingness and feelings of emptiness only related to his sight loss.

And then it was gone like it never happened.

The Force was again pushed back like he had used to push it aside and buried it in his subconscious before he met Hera. He tried to hold his body very still so as to avoid any unwarranted rocking or head dropping. Rex was here talking about something or other of his days as captain. Exhaling, he tried to gather himself again. People began to walk away. He didn’t want to be stared at trying to make his way back to the Ghost so he would wait until everyone had left. Turning around and pretending to…listen around…he waited.

“Kanan?” Hera asked and placed her hand on his arm. “You can do this. Maybe this is what you need.”

“I need my sight back,” he said lowly. “That’s what I need.”

Her warm fingers squeezed tighter for a moment then released. “The sun is setting.”

He knew that. The temperature was dropping. The sun’s heat was moving lower then dissipating on his body. “You know that I couldn’t see the holograph of the city…Is there something important I need to know?”

“The temple was pressed up against one of the walls of the city. It might have been a mountain at one point but not anymore. And there are hidden cracks into the earth there everywhere. So be careful,” she explained. There was silence. “Watch over Ezra. I’m worried about him.”

Kanan turned to her but didn’t say anything. Maybe his Force sense wasn’t so off after all. He shuddered slightly remembering the feeling. “Can you lead me back? I’m tired.” The headache he’d been experiencing gave a painful pulse and he thought he saw flashes of light even though that was impossible.

“Of course.” Her hand brushed up against the back of his and he slid his hand up her arm and took her elbow and he followed her back a half step behind.


	4. Caleb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mission is debriefed. Ezra is a mess.

Ezra paced back and forth in his and Zeb’s room.

They were leaving tomorrow. He was ready. Every day he had been working really hard to focus his control in the Force. He had been training with a blaster with Rex but what he really needed was a lightsaber. It had been months since Malachor and he still hadn’t gotten a new one. Apparently kyber crystals had become something of a rarity in the galaxy since the fall of the Jedi.

No wonder he didn’t know what it was when he got his last one. He clenched his fists. He should’ve grabbed his crystal when Darth Vader wasn’t looking but he had been so focused on the holocron at the time that he hadn’t even thought of it.

The holocron.

Reaching out with the Force, he checked if Kanan was near. Then scoffed at the action. Kanan wouldn’t know even if he was near. He was trapped in his own head. Consumed with what he couldn’t do. Ezra had been learning that there was so much more to the Force that he could do.

So…much…more…

He turned slowly to his empty stolen helmets behind him. A chilled tingling spread over his skin and he knew it was calling to him with much needed advice. Using the Force, he lifted the helmet and called the holocron to his hand. The triangle fastenings were opened and waiting.

What do you desire? a slithering voice hissed into his mind.

“I need a lightsaber,” he said. “I need one. I can’t fight like this and I can feel something pulling me. Tearing me in two directions.”

You must follow your passions. They are guiding you to what you seek. You know, don’t you, what you must do in order to get a lightsaber. It calls to you.

“I am going to Jedha to find a crystal,” he said. “I will do this mission and find a crystal. I know it’s the right thing to do.”

There is another option in the meantime…

Ezra paused. “Kanan’s lightsaber.”

A weapon is useless unless it is used. It is a sign of weakness, your master shows.

“He can’t protect himself,” Ezra said, worrying slightly.

He had seen Kanan the other day throw his cane in frustration when he thought no one was around. Ezra had watched as Kanan had tried to walk without the cane, holding his hands in front of him palms down. There had been a prickling in the Force that told Ezra, Kanan was using it get a feel for his surroundings. But then Kanan tripped over the cane he had thrown. Seeing Kanan tense and grunt in frustration was horrible and it fueled his anger. It was his fault but he would make it right. Ezra had been following Kanan when he had free time, watching how his master was getting along, and protecting him from some of the pilots that wanted to take advantage. He would never let what that stormtrooper did to Kanan happen again. Though if Kanan just stopped using the cane, it wouldn’t happen. Hera didn’t like when Kanan didn’t use his cane and Zaluna had made a point of telling them it could be dangerous if Kanan doesn’t have it.

Kanan was a Force-user and Ezra knew that if he would just open his eyes, he would be fine. It was like he wasn’t even trying. If he would open his mind to all of the Force like Ezra was, Kanan wouldn’t need to be helpless. But no. Kanan kept walking to the perimeter and just sitting there meditating. That wasn’t accomplishing anything. It wasn’t going to heal his eyes and it wasn’t going to make him better. What was worse was that Kanan hardly even acknowledged Ezra anymore when he entered a room… Ezra knew why.

It was because Ezra had let him get hurt. But he vowed that he would never let Kanan get hurt again. Like Hera did when she just watched as the stormtrooper kicked Kanan’s stupid cane. Kanan should have wielded his cane like a lightsaber and taken that trooper out. That’s what Ezra would have done. Then Kanan wouldn’t have yelled at him and Sabine for doing nothing but trying to protect him because he couldn’t protect himself.

His grip on the holocron tightened and frustration burned through him.

He would prove to Kanan that he was capable of protecting him and that Kanan didn’t have to use that stupid cane if he didn’t want to. He was a Jedi.

Use your anger. It gives you focus. Strength. Power. Without it you will never protect your friends. Do what must be done. Don’t hesitate.

He put the holocron back under the trooper helmet. It was right. He knew what he needed to do and it would make everything right again. The way it should be.

Walking into his hallway, he didn’t see Kanan in his room. Ezra rolled his eyes. He was at the perimeter probably. They should probably talk and prep for the mission even though Kanan didn’t want to. Especially since they were traveling as refugees. Ezra knew how to beg. He was good at it. Or he used to be. Of course he looked a lot healthier than he used to be. But he wasn’t sure how Kanan was going to act and they needed to talk about logistics. What was their background? Their story? Refugees didn’t need identification cards since most transports were bribed and paid for no questions. But they had to look realistic. Especially going to Jedha. Sabine had given them fake identification cards just in case. Something basic that lots of people were able to get their hands on, even if it wasn’t very formal and didn’t give a whole lot of information other than name, birthplace and picture. But still it would be enough to get troopers to look the other way if they were asked for it. At least that’s what they all hoped—

“Ezra,” Hera said, sliding down the ladder as Ezra exited the corridor onto the balcony over the ship’s hold. “Are you going to find Kanan?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Not that he wants to see—I mean wants me around but still.”

“You can still say see,” Hera said raising her eyebrow.

“No I can’t, Hera. Kanan can’t see.” In any way that mattered, not just the literal way, Ezra thought bitterly.

“That’s ridiculous. It’s just a word.”

“Did you need something?” he asked deflecting the conversation. Hera didn’t understand either.

She looked at him for a long moment. “You’ve been really stepping up and this is a really sensitive relief mission. You need to be careful and watch out for Kanan. I know you don’t want to hear it…but…” She seemed to be struggling with her words. “He can’t do everything that you can.”

“He doesn’t want to. He’s not even trying,” Ezra blurted before he could stop himself. He clamped a hand over his mouth. Exhaling, he tried to push the anger and irrationality out of his system. It didn’t work.

“He is trying. You’ve seen him. He’s come a long way.”

“He doesn’t need that cane. He can use the Force. I mean he defeated Maul! That would be trying. Getting around this and coming back would be trying. He’s only coming because we need him to get in and make it look authentic… and because no one will recognize him with that scar.” Ezra crossed his arms.

Hera pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled. “I know you’ve been blaming yourself after what happened to Kanan and Ahsoka—”

“You don’t know anything about it, Hera,” Ezra snapped cringing at her name. Stress flooded his body and an image of her swirling her lightsabers as Darth Vader came after her flashed through his mind. “You weren’t there. You can’t know and I’ve been working so that nothing. Nothing. Like that will ever happen again.”

“Ezra…” Hera reached out and touched his shoulder but he pulled away.

“I’m going to talk to Kanan about the mission. Then I’ll leave him alone. That’s what he wants to be anyway. We’ll do this mission and I’ll show him.” He nodded sternly, staring Hera in the eye and willing her to see things his way. “I’ll see you later.”

He felt Hera staring after him. And his heart broke a little. He could feel her empathy and despondency in the Force. She was only trying to help. Kanan hadn’t just been distancing himself from Ezra, but from everyone.

He turned back before he exited the ship. “I’m sorry, Hera. I’m just stressed.”

She had crossed her arms and nodded catching his eye. “I know. We will be okay, I promise.”

But she couldn’t promise that. Ezra knew that better than anyone. His parents used to say things like that and… and look what happened to them.

The sun had just set and there was just a sliver of deep orange and gold light in the sky now by the horizon. The rest of the sky was a blanket of purple to deep blue as you looked west away from the setting sun. Gazing up at the early twilight stars twinkling above, a calm set over him and he reached out with the Force to look for Kanan.

Ezra had a very unique connection to the Force. Kanan had once described most of his experiences as a feeling, a warm connection of intentions between him and the things around him. Sensations on his skin and unexplained knowledge and affirmations in his mind that just appeared without him even giving them much thought. Ezra understood that to an extent. But for him, he heard a noise. Like a high pitched ringing or whistling in the wind. Especially when he connected with other living things through the Force. When he first sensed Kanan that was how it had been. Now he followed the sound toward where he knew Kanan was.

He was meditating by the perimeter behind the Ghost at the very edge of the wilderness away from the lights. Wearing his stupid mask of course, Ezra thought, and rolled his eyes. But it was quiet back here. Peaceful. Though as he approached Kanan, the tranquility of the area was threatened by the swirl of emotions storming in Kanan. He should be using those emotions not harboring them or whatever he was doing.

As he approached, Ezra’s agitation of being around Kanan increased as if feeding off of Kanan’s internal storm. What did Kanan tell him again? That they would all take more losses but that they were supposed to be ready to sacrifice for something bigger? Guess that was a lie.

He waited a few meters behind Kanan. Nothing happened. Kanan didn’t move or make any indication that he sensed Ezra. He clenched his fists. The world darkened as the sun completely disappeared behind the horizon behind him. This was what irritated him. It had been practically impossible to sneak up on Kanan before. It had nothing to do with his eyes. Because he could sense Ezra through the walls and always knew when he was up to something. Painfully, he remembered when he had eavesdropped on Kanan and Ahsoka and Kanan had known he was hiding behind the door. Either Kanan was ignoring Ezra because he blamed him for what happened or he just didn’t care anymore because of the same reason.

Pushing aside his frustration for the sake of the mission, he stepped forward quietly not wanting to disturb the silence of the area. The little dokma were scuttling around him making little noises. Ezra waited a little longer until he just couldn’t take being ignored.

“Kanan, “ Ezra said finally, causing the little creatures to disperse with the sound of his voice. They didn’t like him either.

Kanan started slightly and cocked his ear but didn’t turn around to face Ezra. Ezra’s heart fell slightly. He walked around Kanan and stood over him.

“We need to talk about the mission. It’s tomorrow. There are a couple things that are important for us to have prepared.”

“What do you want me to do?” Kanan’s voice was flat, resigned, and dead though Ezra could feel his confliction and frustration. He didn’t even know how to feel but now he was dreading this mission.

“It’s gotten dark. Do you want to go inside? It’s not safe to linger by the perimeter at night,” Ezra said, feeling awkward suddenly and protective.

“If this isn’t safe, why am I going to Jedha?” Kanan asked and shook his head. “Uh…sure.” He stood up slowly, turned completely around, and began walking with his hands out palms down. 

Ezra’s skin prickled and though this was what he wanted, an unwarranted amount of anxiety pooled in his chest as he watched Kanan. He found himself staring at Kanan taking careful measured steps, waiting for something to happen or not happen. Kanan started to stray from the beacons heading further into open space. The ground was pretty clear of things to trip on except for those three gaping holes in the ground. His palms started to sweat. He looked up at Kanan’s mask and wanted to rip it off and throw it on the ground.

Kanan stopped suddenly. “Are you okay?”

“Wait. Yeah. Of course. Why?” Ezra stumbled over his words, still staring fixedly at Kanan’s mask.

“Your breathing quickened like you were hyperventilating or… well maybe I’m hearing things wrong.”

“You better get your hearing checked. Wouldn’t want that to go too,” Ezra joked and instantly wanted to punch himself in the face. Kanan’s mouth quirked in a semi-frown but he didn’t say anything. Tension between them increased.

Kanan took a few more steps then stopped again turning right toward the Ghost and directly in front of him were those holes—

“Watch out—I mean be careful there are those holes!” Ezra jumped in and grabbed Kanan before he could take another step.

“I can’t!” Kanan snapped, stumbling, and clutched Ezra to catch his balance. Ezra stood stunned for a moment, unable to believe Kanan actually snapped at him. The tingling Ezra felt completely dissipated. Kanan didn’t move for a few moments but slowly pulled the cane from his belt. Ezra was torn between taking the cane and throwing it down the hole, and carrying Kanan back. He would make this better—his eyes fell on the disassembled lightsaber attached to Kanan’s belt. His fingers itched with an impulse to take it like he had stolen it the first time.

“I’m sorry,” Kanan said trying to take deep breaths. He extended the cane with a long resentful sigh. “I thought…” He tapped his cane against the dirt—something Ezra had noticed he had been doing a lot recently when he was nervous or unsure. “I thought that maybe if I could use the Force well enough I wouldn’t have to use this stupid cane on Jedha.”

Ezra blinked. “I mean you don’t have to. I can feel you using the Force.”

Kanan didn’t say anything but pressed his lips together.

“But also we need you to be using the cane on Jedha. It’s what’s going to get us close to the old temple. Besides it’s dangerous to use the Force there. That’s what you said: ‘a death sentence.’” Ezra was speaking quickly and with each sentence his tone became more accusatory. He just couldn’t help it. “I mean you look blind, Kanan. Your eyes are all clouded and you have a dark slash scar from—from—from—”

“I look blind,” Kanan said flatly, as if hearing nothing else Ezra had said. “Are they really clouded? Are you sure?”

Why were they having this conversation? He must know what they looked like. They were his eyes. “Yeah. They’re like all cloudy and milky.”

“The whole eye?” Kanan’s voice held a hint of worry and Kanan’s anxiety made Ezra’s anxiety spike.

“No…just the part of the eye that’s colored and you know where the black dot usually is.” Ezra stopped going to school at seven. He didn’t know these words and Kanan never brought him to his appointments.

“The iris and the pupil?”

“Yeah.” He didn’t want to sound stupid either and let Kanan know he didn’t know what they were called. “You look like you can’t see.”

Ezra’s ears started to ring as Kanan’s emotions crashed into him unexpectantly: fear, grief, and anger. He blinked several times and focused on shutting them out. Nausea swirled in his stomach and all his muscles tightened painfully as the tension increased. Wasn’t controlling your emotions something Kanan had taught him? Had all his lessons gone out the window?

Kanan swept the ground with the cane and found the edge of the hole. He frowned. “Can you just guide me?”

Ezra nodded and waited for Kanan to grab his arm. He really hadn’t spent much time around Kanan since Malachor and he really wanted to run away now. He wished he was never going on this mission.

A few more tense moments passed and Kanan never reached for his arm. Just as Ezra was about to say something, Kanan interjected.

“Never mind,” Kanan muttered bitterly. Ezra took a deep breath, feeling useless and unprepared.

Kanan began sweeping his cane along the ground, trailing the edge of the hole until he had passed it. Then he walked along the beeping beacons of the perimeter. Ezra wondered why he didn’t just cut across the open field, walking along the perimeter was the longer way. It was beginning to get really dark now and Ezra kept close to Kanan and the small beeping and blinking lights of the beacons. Then he remembered something and clicked on a flashlight.

“What did you just do?” Kanan asked.

Ezra looked at the flashlight. “I turned on a flashlight. It’s starting to be really dark and I can’t see.”

They finally made it to the Ghost and Kanan looked exhausted. His face had now contorted into one of deep concentration and he veered several times from the beacons and then would walk back and keep following them. He had stopped several meters from the Ghost and reached out with his hand to scan with the Force as Ezra felt. Ezra didn’t say anything. He just wanted to have the talk and go to bed. Deal with this again tomorrow.

“The Ghost is to your right,” Ezra said, watching Kanan and feeling awkward. There was a terrifying understanding settling in his consciousness that he refused to acknowledge even though it was ridiculous not to.

Kanan turned and started looking for the ship with his cane. Unfortunately the ramp was angled opening north and they were walking directly east into the side of the ship. There was some bustle of people moving some crates in the lit area of base. A couple were staring. Ezra gave them a look.

And turned back to late to see Kanan’s cane not detect anything beneath the ramp and walk headfirst into side of the ramp. Kanan’s cane dropped and his hands immediately went to his mask hissing in pain.

“Kanan!” Ezra jumped over to him, guilt and anxiety bubbling all through him. “Are you all right?” He grabbed Kanan’s arm and pulled him back.

“Are you alright?” a few others came over seeing Kanan hit the ramp hard.

“Fine, fine,” Kanan said standing completely still and trembling slightly. He pulled his hand away and repositioned it on Ezra’s shoulder. “Please just take me inside.” His other hand held his mask and he took deep breaths shuddering with pain.

“What about your cane?” Ezra asked, feeling terrible for a thousand different reasons.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” someone said and reached out to Kanan to steady his shoulder. Kanan flinched and the man retracted his hand like it was burned. The four people standing there looked nervous and unsure what to do.

“Who cares, Ezra?” Kanan said. “Let’s just go—never mind!” He pulled away from Ezra and walked forward. The pilot standing there stumbled back so Kanan wouldn’t run into him. Their feet collided anyway and they both stumbled but Kanan was holding the side of the ramp to steady himself.

“Wait.” Ezra grabbed Kanan’s cane and put Kanan’s hand on his shoulder. Kanan’s shaking fingers tightened as Ezra walked quickly and turned up the ramp. Ezra blinked several times as overwhelming embarrassment and anxiety came over him as he connected with Kanan. The ringing in his ears increased.

He brought Kanan to his quarters and leaned the cane beside the door. Kanan immediately sat down and took off his mask. He massaged his temples gingerly and massaged his eyelids even more gently. Take measured deep breaths, Kanan eventually stopped shaking.

And just like that: all the emotions that Ezra had been sensing ceased.

But Ezra had just started trembling. What had just happened? “Kanan…”

“What did you want to talk about?” Kanan asked, cutting him off. “What do we need to know for tomorrow?”

Ezra blinked. “Oh. Um, Sabine got us identification cards with some fake names she created. General names typical across the galaxy. Here.” He pulled the card out of his pocket and handed it to Kanan, who held out his hand but didn’t extend it to take the card from Ezra.

His stomach tightened. He bridged the gap between them and handed the card to Kanan. “She tried to find names similar to our real names so it’d be easy to remember. Your name is Caleb J—”

“No.”

“Caleb Jan—What?”

“Nothing. What’s your name?”

“I’m Eli Ben…I’m your nephew. I guess I look too old to be your son now,” Ezra continued talking fast. “We used to be miners on Gorse. That was Hera’s idea, I guess. But there was an explosion and we lost everything…” Ezra stared as Kanan’s eyes opened they shifted back and forth slightly in a way that didn’t seem natural and he tried to position himself to make eye contact. Kanan’s eyes didn’t focus.

“Ezra?”

“Sorry, um, right so yeah we lost everything and you lost your sight in the explosion. I have some crutches I’m bringing. We’re heading to Jedha because we heard about the healing miracles that used to be performed there. I guess that’s why a lot of refugees go there.” Ezra bit his lip and waited. “What do you think?”

“It sounds fine. But why are you bringing crutches?”

“I figured you know…I could blend it by hobbling around.”

Kanan frowned. “No. One person who is disabled—” he stumbled on the word, “—is enough. It makes more sense if you were with me because I’m your only family and you were guiding me. Let’s not overdo it.”

“Okay.” Ezra steeled himself looking at Kanan. “Rex left yesterday and he’ll be meeting us on the ground so we can smuggle in the relief from the outskirts from Hera.” He glanced around and spotted Kanan’s disguise. “Your disguise is on the chair across from you. Hera or Sabine must have put it there. Okay. Great. Rest up. This mission will be good.” He bit his lip. “I’ll take care of everything.”

Kanan nodded but then raised his hand. “Ezra?”

Ezra turned to him, giving him his full attention, feeling suddenly nervous and sick. Something dark clawed at his subconscious but he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to consult with the holocron with Zeb in the room… maybe outside in the shadows?

“Ezra?” Kanan said again turning his head.

Ezra shivered. “Uh, yeah?”

“Jedha is very dangerous for Force-users. It was one of the first Jedi temples and it has been watched carefully ever since the Empire. We cannot—cannot use the Force there.”

“Got it. No Force.” He rolled his eyes. Of course, he was going to use the Force. Ezra was just going to be careful. “I left your cane by the door. See you tomorrow…Caleb.”

Kanan flinched. “Eli.”

Ezra walked out of the room but then paused. “Do you want me to turn the light off?”

“Is it on?” Kanan asked then shook his head. “Yes. I don’t need it.”

Feeling uncomfortable leaving Kanan in the dark, but not wanting to explain the waste of energy to Hera in case he forgot to turn it off, Ezra shut the light off and left. The door closed behind him.

He stared at his hand in half astonishment, half accomplishment: Kanan’s lightsaber. He had just moved so effortlessly when they were walking back on the ship and Kanan hadn’t even noticed. It was only temporary. He was going to get a new crystal and then he would give it back. It’s not like Kanan was going to use it.

He massaged his temples. What a long day. Tomorrow would be better. It had to be. They would be playing parts anyway. Tomorrow he wasn’t Ezra and Kanan wasn’t Kanan. He was Eli and Kanan was Caleb.

On a whim, Ezra closed his eyes and took a few steps, then opened them feeling ridiculous and stupid. He needed to focus. Kanan needed him to be strong.

That’s what he kept telling himself. That’s what the holocron whispered in his mind. That’s what he was going to do. And to gain strength, he needed power.

Ezra walked off the Ghost and into the darkness of the night. Igniting Kanan’s saber, he gave himself into the fear, the anger, the frustration and the unfairness of everything.

000

Hera sat with Kanan in the early hours of the morning. Gloveless, they held hands though his were still clammy from the nightmare that had startled him from sleep. Kanan had his head pressed into her shoulder in exhaustion. He had been having troubling sleeping ever since he lost his ability to detect light. It went from extremes of exhaustion to full of energy at the weirdest times. She knew if he became more active that it would probably even out and she hoped that this mission would help inspire him.

…Even if he couldn’t be doing what he used to, he might take some initiative to do something else.

“Can you just talk?” Kanan asked her quietly.

“Anything in particular?” she asked coming up with a blank.

“No, just anything. I just want to listen to your voice,” he said into her shoulder. He was practically sitting on top of her, he was sitting so close.

She started talking about her day. Random things that happened. Nothing important. Chopper giving AP-5 a hard time.

It had been a long time since they sat together like this. Kanan hardly ever let himself be touched anymore if he could help it since Malachor. Which a lot of the time, he couldn’t help it. She also noticed he was less likely to reach out for people. Granted, being unable to see probably made that problematic, but still it was a personality shift.

She was surprised when she had come to check on him that he had called out to her and asked her to stay. Whatever nightmare he had, it had been bad and Hera had no words to comfort him. She hoped that it was enough that she was here.

“There had been a time when I had considered leaving the Rebellion and running away with you,” she said suddenly as her thoughts took a turn. She didn’t like remembering it. It had been brief and although she claimed now that she never would have, she knew that was lie. Right before they started adding other crewmembers, there had been a long stretch of time when Fulcrum had gone underground…

She talked about some of the most beautiful places he had taken her to that he had discovered in his exile… and some of the stranger places in the galaxy as well. Interestingly, they tended to coincide with one another. Remote places where very few inhabitants lived. They would find themselves a little remote spot, hide the ship, and integrate into the population. They would get looks but Kanan had done some favors and done a lot of odd jobs that lead him to stop at places like that.

“Do you remember that rainforests in Alta?” she asked him with a small smile. He nodded against her shoulder but didn’t sit up.

There had been a moment when they were a little tipsy and sleeping in a grove of fuchsia trees with large petal-like ballooning branches of iridescent blues and greens. Kanan had looked at her with something in his eyes and she had known in that moment. A flutter in her chest, heat in her cheeks, and a knowing that only comes from understanding what’s in someone’s eyes.

And Kanan had honest eyes. She didn’t say that now. She kept that to herself. His eyes were still honest… just different.

They had locked eyes then and for a second she was stone cold sober. It had just dawned on her in that moment that he would follow her anywhere in the galaxy. Not because he thought she was just interesting. Or that he had nothing better to do. She hadn’t been and still wasn’t sure if he even knew it himself at the time but she had seen it. The way his lips curled up whenever she said his name or would laugh off her pestering about his hair.

“And it wasn’t long before I started looking at you the same way.” She ran her fingers through his hair. He was now half asleep on her shoulder and her heart ached painfully in her chest. She wanted to help him so badly but there was nothing she could do except be there. There were horrors Kanan would never escape, and now this was another. She really hoped she wasn’t making a mistake by sending him on this mission. “While we were there, I considered leaving the Rebellion. Even though I knew I was protecting places like that by being a part of the Rebellion. But it had been easy to forget the Empire there. Too easy. You made it too easy.”

And had things turned out differently, they probably would have stayed there. But tragedy finds you when you least expect it and they couldn’t live in that bubble forever. She never wanted to go back to Alta. All those baby pink and blue flowers floating like spirits through the air. It made her feel empty suddenly and she held him closer.

“Then we started taking people in as our crew,” she continued.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled and slowly sat up as if it was the hardest thing he had ever done. His eyes were bleary and sunken. She brushed back his hair.

“Don’t be sorry,” she said softly. “You’re there for me and I’m there for you.”

He squeezed her hand. “Always. Even when we’re ghosts.”

Something inside her broke at his words. “Please be careful, Kanan. I know you will but I have to say it. Please.” Her voice trembled and she hated herself for it. She gazed pleadingly into his face, but of course he didn’t know.

“I shouldn’t be going, Hera,” he said, leaning against her like he’d been starved for contact. “I told you that.”

She didn’t say anything in fear that she would ruin this moment. He had been so distant and she couldn’t bear having him leave on a sour note. Leaning into him, he wrapped his arm about her waist. He was warm. Slowly, she leaned back until they were facing each other but lying down on their sides on his bed. She leaned her forehead against his. They were both trembling, trying to ignore the fear of what was going to happen next.

He held her close, gently tracing her skin with his fingertips.

They only had a few more hours before she needed to sneak out of his quarters and prepare for the mission. He stopped tracing her skin. His hand fell heavy on her shoulder.

“Did you tell Sabine…?” he asked her after a moment.

She waited.

“About my name…?”

She blinked and racked her brain but didn’t quite understand. “Your name?”

“My real name.”

“No, of course not. I would never say anything, Kanan. Why?” She hoped he could hear or sense her honesty, even if he couldn’t see it in her face. He had told his name only once in a moment of rare openness…before Alta.

He closed his eyes and snuggled closer. Her anxiety lessened as she took that as a good sign he believed her.

“My fake name for this mission is…Caleb.” His voice was barely a whisper as if he was afraid to say the name. He frowned and pressed his lips together, eyebrows furrowing in anxiety.

“I didn’t know,” Hera said understanding and her heart began to hurt again. “I had no idea. No one told me. Are you okay?”

“I’m Caleb traveling to Jedha,” he continued in a voice now barely audible. He began to tremble harder and she hugged him closer only to realize she was also trembling harder. She remembered when he left for Malachor. We’ll see each other again. And now he was leaving again. Hadn’t she said she wanted to face threats together? She would be there but not with him. Ezra could handle it, right?

“It’ll be okay. It’s only a few days. In and out. It’ll be okay.” She had been saying that for months and it was still not okay. But it would be. She wiped her eyes before Kanan could realize she was crying. And then felt guilty.

“Can you say it?” Kanan interrupted.

“What?”

“My name,” he said and his eyes opened again. “My master had an accent so when she said my name it was always with a hard B.” He gave the smallest of chuckles but it was like a ghost of a laugh.

She refused to let tears fall though they pooled. Her chest heaved. “Caleb,” she said. “I’ll be waiting for you, Caleb.”

He leaned in finding her nose with his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last couple days have been a bit crazy and had to drive like 30 hours across a desert. I have never been in 112 degree weather and uh I wish I never have to feel that again but that looks unlikely. That being said that's why it was not posted.
> 
> This also has references to "Lost Time" which is another story in the series if you're interested in Atla at all.


	5. Hitchhiking Across the Galaxy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan and Ezra have some trouble finding a way to Jedha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who read on tumblr, there are some new parts in this version.

As it usually happened with their plans, this one too had to be revised almost immediately.

Turns out finding discreet transportation to the Inner Rim was going to be a nightmare. Kanan was completely disoriented and held onto Ezra whether he liked it or not. Which he seemed to be feeling the latter, since his body was stiff and rigid moving more like a droid than a human. They were having trouble traveling to the Inner Rim because few pilots wanted the risk of taking someone who was blind, which made Kanan feel just great. Not that the galaxy was particularly conscientious about people with disabilities. If you couldn't afford cybernetics, chances are you didn't matter. And who got blinded anymore!? (Kanan tried to push all these thoughts back. They lead nowhere good and Hera told him to try to maintain some sort of optimism about his situation). Another thing was no one, respectable pilot or otherwise, in their right mind wanted to head toward the Core where the Imperial forces were the strongest. The Outer Rim that was where all the refugees were headed, not to the Core.

Which…made sense. If Kanan had given it any thought while they were at the briefing he could have told them that. In fact that was what he did when he was living on his own before Hera. And even with Hera. People moved outward not inward.

They ended up heading to Hutt Space first to find a transport to somewhere else that maybe they could take at least to the Mid Rim. If they could just get to the Mid Rim then maybe they could actually use their alias as being from Gorse. That was stupid too since Gorse was in the Inner Rim practically and here they were stranded on the edges of the Outer Rim! It also occurred to Kanan that Ezra had never been to the Inner Rim. Even Hera was taking extra precautions since the Ghost would most likely be scanned and identified so she had found a different ship to get supplies to Jedha. She had been in contact with a few other Rebel leaders to find the safest routes to the Mid Rim where NaJedha was located.

Now they were in a cantina. Kanan had his hood pulled over his head and his hair down to try and hide his eyes. However, he irritatingly discovered he still possessed that stupid tell of running his fingers through his hair and now it was all knotted and full of static. The sounds of people bustling around, pouring drinks, eating food, and generally making Kanan increasingly anxious and on edge. Was it a seedy cantina? The Force told him that no, it was not. But he couldn’t see their faces. Maybe it was full of criminals who were on lunch break or not working at the moment, but a drop of a coin could change that. He knew that too well from Maul. Too well.

“Are you going anywhere in the Mid Rim?” Ezra was asking someone else. He had completely dropped the alias and his voice was strained with frustration. And probably hunger. Kanan had discovered that Ezra's shoulder was higher than he remembered it. It wasn't like Ezra hadn't even lead him around or he hadn't touched him. But it hadn't been for any length of time for Kanan to fully register Ezra's adolescent changes. Anyway, Kanan stood by feeling useless and vulnerable. He did not have his mask. Or his lightsaber, which he had misplaced in the rush to get ready since he had woken late and Ezra had wanted to get out and get going since traveling was going to be a pain.

Keeping his eyes closed, he wanted something physical to hide and protect them. A sun shield or a pair of tinted glasses or really anything. Couldn’t they have pretended to be bounty hunters and worn masks and full body armor? Instead he got a poncho with a hood. What use was that?!

He had no idea what Ezra was wearing but if he was wearing any sort of armor at all, Kanan was going to be mad. When he found out that is. Just thinking about it made him mad.

There was a strange threatening notion emanating from Ezra. Kanan turned his head listening carefully.

“Well…” the male Ezra was talking to grunted. There was a hint of something mechanical to his voice indicating he was wearing a translator. “I might know some people heading to Takodana, that you could probably hitch a ride with.”

Takodana…

“It’s the only place you’re going to be able to get to from here from anyone around these parts and it’s the only pirate port there is in the Mid Rim to my knowledge,” the male continued.

Pirate port… and Maz. His heart dropped. Of course they could find a ride there. She would be the only being out there with influence enough to protect what’s been hers for over a millennia from the Empire. Maybe she had been able to strike a deal with them somehow. Not somewhere Kanan wanted to go, that’s for sure. Maz had a keen eye and that could put them at even more of a risk than they were now… she was also someone who knew Kanan from before Hera.

“You sure there’s nowhere else we could go in the Mid Rim?” he asked and Ezra nudged him. Hard. What?

“No way. Not from here since the Empire has been cracking down lately. Especially with this Chiss admiral wrecking havoc in the Outer Rim on Baros and elsewhere. Some of those free spirits are going there today. Young kids from Alderaan looking to get killed because their heads are out in the stars. I wouldn’t recommend it but if you got money I could take you in a week…”

“Do I look like I got a lot of money?” Ezra bite out and something cold prickled over Kanan’s skin.

The male laughed in a choking sort of way. “No. Didn’t think so. Well if you want to die… they took on some other refugees from Baros. I’m sure they’d “open their hearts to a boy and his blind uncle.’” The male laughed patronizingly.

“Don’t. Talk. About. Him. Like. That.” Ezra growled.

The kid was going to get them nowhere. Kanan needed to jump in. He turned and reached out to Ezra’s shoulder—locating it successfully by the way. “Ezra. Relax. How do we find them?”

The man was silent for a few minutes and now Kanan’s irritation was growing. He had come to hate nonverbal communication. He pulled a coin out of his pocket and slid it across the table to the male whatever he was.

There was a sound of approval. “You can find them across the bar dancing like they’re flower children from the moons of Alta.”

He turned to Ezra. “Alright, let’s go.”

“You’re going to have a bit of trouble communicating with them, I think,” the male growled randomly as Kanan moved out of the booth.

Ezra nudged his arm and he took Ezra’s shoulder. It was easier to hold onto Ezra’s shoulder since Ezra was a bit shorter than he was. They maneuvered through crowds of bustling of people. Some of which Kanan was aware of them moving out of their way. Others, however, did not seem to mind bumping into them.

“What do you think that means?” Ezra asked.

Kanan shrugged. “Let’s find out.”

Ezra found the beings from Alderaan easily and began talking to them, when suddenly things got real quiet. Not quiet in the cantina but the conversation ceased. Kanan shifted uncomfortably. What was happening? The Force conveyed that these people were kind-spirited and willing…but there was confusion.

“…so can we hitch a ride with you?” Ezra asked again when the silence had stretched even further. “Oh…oh ohhhh.”

“What is it?” Kanan asked. He wished he wasn’t dressed like this. It felt uncomfortable and vulnerable. He was already vulnerable and he didn’t want to look vulnerable if he could help it. Imagining people staring at him clutching Ezra’s shoulder, hood over his face made him nauseous.

There was an oddly cold sensation of movement as Ezra tapped into the Force to connect with the group. Kanan wanted to shake him. They were undercover, Ezra should be more careful! But he didn’t want to rouse any suspicion of anyone nearby. He could sense none of the surrounding beings’ attentions had changed or shifted their way.

Understanding washed through the group from Alderaan. There were three of them.

There was some movement and shuffling, as Ezra seemed to be moving his body randomly. Kanan focused in the Force and… it seemed like Ezra was making like… gestures? An object passed from one of the beings—human according to the Force now that Kanan was focused—to Ezra.

The unmistakable sound of fingertips on a datapad, confirmed it.

“What’s happening?” Kanan asked again, his tone coloring with irritation as Ezra ignored his question again.

Ezra’s body moved back and forth as he began nodding aggressively. “Great,” he said way too loudly. “Thank you! Meet you there!” His shoulder moved as if he was lifting his hand.

“Ezra?” Kanan asked, squeezing his shoulder tightly to get his attention. “What’s happening?”

“Eli,” Ezra corrected irritably. “They’ll take us to Takodana, Caleb.”

Kanan flinched at the name and frowned. “What aren’t you telling me… Eli?”

“ What are you talking about? They seem really nice. Can’t wait to meet their captain. Do you know anything about Baros?” Ezra was talking way too fast.

Baros was a rather new addition to the list of habitable worlds. Its population had been beaming out signals which got the attention of some freighter passing by in the last ten years. Now the Empire had interest in it for whatever reason. Lucky them, to finally discover life outside their planet and be taken over by the Empire, Kanan thought sarcastically. That was it though and he told Ezra so.

“Nothing about its people?” Ezra said again. “Oh well. I hope they’re friendly. Did you know I’ve never been to the Mid and Inner Rim? You probably knew that since I had never been off Lothal before I met the crew. So that’s fun.”

Strange anxiety was suddenly flooding Ezra and it made Kanan anxious. “Is there something I need to be worried about?” He wanted to look at Ezra’s face so badly. Was there something about the humans from Alderaan that had rubbed them the wrong way? They felt kind and sincere in the Force. Even though they were quiet but Kanan hadn’t been paying that much attention if he was being honest. He wanted to go back to Hera on the Ghost but she had probably already started making her way to Jedha.

“Oh no. Nothing’s wrong.” They walked out of the cantina and toward the spaceport. “At least we finally found a ride! That’s what’s really important here.”

Kanan stumbled on a curb as they walked. Ezra was a terrible guide and it made Kanan incredibly nervous to be relying on him for such a sensitive mission. Not to mention Jedha was an incredibly dangerous place. Even if he weren’t blind, Kanan would avoid that place at all costs.

It was like going to Coruscant to the Jedi Temple.

As they walked, it began to bother Kanan more and more that Ezra was hiding something from him. He could feel it all over the boy. It was like a chill in the air around him actually. And Kanan couldn’t see to know what it was! How rude could you be? His thoughts ran wild. It had been practically six months since Malachor and still people just assumed he knew things, or would ignore his questions when he asked them. Did it make them feel uncomfortable to be asked questions relating to sight, Kanan wondered irritatedly, because if so they had no idea how uncomfortable it felt asking them?

Exhaling slowly, he tried to refocus, let go of his fear and anger. Of course that was impossible so he opted for clenching and unclenching his free hand. And annoying Ezra by digging his nails into the boy’s shoulder. Petty, he knew, but Ezra was ignoring a blind man?

Ezra shifted his shoulder. Good, Kanan thought bitterly. Serves you right. He dared Ezra to say something about it.

He didn’t but a coldness seemed to spread around him. Weird.

They had stopped walking and Ezra was making gestures again, which completely distracted Kanan. What was that all about? Kanan cocked his head from side to side trying to get an idea of what was happening. There was another person here making some kind of gestures back then—

“I can speak Basic,” the woman (?) said in a thick flat accent Kanan couldn’t place.

“Oh that’s a relief,” Ezra breathed out and stopped gesturing. “Are you…” Ezra moved his hands. “Sasha?” Woman, Kanan confirmed. “We just spoke with… Noni.”

When had Ezra learned the woman’s name, Kanan thought incredulously. He was missing something important. He knew that now. His thoughts strayed to some possible reasons—no.

What were the chances of that?

“I asked…Noni…about hitching a ride with you to Maz’s castle on Takodana. I’m, uh, Eli and this is Caleb. We’re refugees trying to get to Jedha,” Ezra continued and Kanan cringed at the name. He did not want to be called that on Jedha. There was really no knowing how much the Empire knew about Caleb Dume. But he was pretty sure Caleb was considered dead, killed by—he didn’t want to think about it.

Besides, they were going to see Maz. They would definitely be able to find something to Jedha there. Lots of beings went through there to all sorts of places. She would help them. Kanan was pretty sure she liked him... she liked Hera anyway. The question was would she recognize him? Things were different. He was different. She always went on about eyes and, well, his eyes were definitely different. 

“Interesting, come aboard,” the woman, Sasha, said in her flat accented voice. “Come aboard. There are th’ree Brubb refugees escapin’g from Baros wif us too.” Some of her consonants were off, Kanan noted. He could have sworn that Alderaan spoke Basic as their primary language. He didn’t remember the princess having an accent but then again she was royalty. They began walking onto the ship.

“Oh,“ Sasha said. “I didn’t realize.”

Realize what? Kanan turned his head toward the woman. Ezra tensed beside him.

“Whut are the chanzes?” Sasha continued and laughed. “It’s nice to meet you, Cale-b and Eli.”

“Uh, nice to meet you too.” Kanan thrust out his hand toward the voice with his free hand and squeezed Ezra’s shoulder. Hard. Sasha shook his hand lightly with calloused fingers.

“What are the chances of what?” Kanan asked irritably when no one seemed to want to clarify what they were talking about.

“My crew is deaf,” Sasha explained. “Brubbs are too. That’s why we took them in.” She paused. “Welcome aboard.” She began walking up the ramp. “Show ya ‘round.”

“Deaf,” Kanan repeated as if he didn’t understand it and all his worst fears had been realized.

“Isn’t that funny?” Ezra said in a high-pitched voice filled with nervousness and jitters as if he had had way too much caf. “What are the chances, right? Looks like Sasha has hearing shells over her ears though. So that’s lucky.”

Kanan wanted to go home. Right now.

The trip to Takodana was long. And he thought it would be quiet. But he was so wrong. Apparently the three from Alderaan loved the vibrations of music and had it blasting for most of the trip. The whole ship was vibrating that was for sure and so was Kanan’s head. Vibrating with pain. He completely cut himself off from the Force to lessen the amount of stimulus he was experiencing. Which made him feel even more isolated, being unable to really hear and sense what was around him. What was worse was that even though he didn’t have enhanced hearing unless he willed it through the Force, his ears were more sensitive in general to noises. He felt blind and deaf and almost numb. Fear began to swarm and infest him, making wild emergency scenarios run through his mind and he wouldn’t even know. Ezra would run back to help him and they would both die. What if imperial ships scanned them and no one noticed because no one could hear the alarm? They would be boarded and Kanan and Ezra could be identified then killed on the spot along with the crew.

Resisting putting his fingers in his ears, he gripped the table that Ezra had dropped him off at before running off to meet the others.

Turns out Brubbs had no spoken language but used a series of gestures to communicate. The humans from Alderaan also had a gesture language that they used, since the three that they had met in the cantina were “naturalists” and refused to bend to technology’s will, explaining (through Ezra) that there was nothing wrong with how they were born.

“Everything is as it’s meant to be,” a mechanical voice related what Noni had written, barely audible over the music blaring throughout the ship. “I’m happy to see you share our belief too.”

Oh but Kanan did not feel that way at all. He would give anything to see again. It’s just that he didn’t even have the option of doing that. And this was not how he had been born.

Someone shook his shoulder and he neared shouted, starting roughly. He grabbed the hand—Ezra’s distinctive gloves: Ezra.

“Did you hear me? I said you should dance with us,” Ezra said, sitting down next to Kanan and leaned close. Kanan realized he was rocking slightly. Maybe that’s why Ezra asked him if he wanted to dance. He stilled and felt his body vibrating with the beat. He shook his head in response to Ezra’s request.

“The Brubbs are so strange looking. Like bulging eyes and pointy heads,” Ezra continued unaware of Kanan’s inner conflicts.

“Oh thanks for remembering I can’t see,” Kanan muttered, knowing his voice wouldn’t carry over the music.

“What did you say?” Ezra quipped in his ear, making him cringe, having yet more sound enter his sensitive auditory system.

He shook his head. “I don’t dance,” he said loud enough for Ezra to hear. He had no idea what this environment was like. Especially the way he was purposefully trying to use the Force to block the noise and everything else. It wasn’t working at all.

“We should learn their sign language. It’d be great for the rebellion!” Ezra said. “We could use it to sign different messages across long distances… or when it’s loud like now! Can you imagine using it on missions, it—”

“I can’t see,” Kanan said loudly, cutting Ezra off. What part of that did Ezra not seem to get? The Force was only telling him that Ezra and the others was moving their hands and arms earlier, he had no idea what specifically they were doing. Maybe basic signs, he could pick up if he knew them well and really, and he meant really focused. But that was ridiculous and he wouldn’t be doing missions like that anymore. His thoughts turned dark again.

“I know but…you can still learn! You’re not dead!” Ezra lashed out and slammed the table with his hands. Kanan frowned as he stomped away. 

The music finally cut out and Kanan exhaled in relief. He massaged his temples and allowed the Force to trickle in bits of information as it always did. His muscles relaxed.

Someone sat down next to him and he waited. After a few moments they tapped his hand. There was the sound of typing and then, “He seems upset.”

Kanan tried his best to face the speaker. “We’ve been through a lot.”

More typing. “Can’t read your lips with the beard. Sorry.” More typing. It occurred to him that he had no idea who he was talking to. Not Sasha, she would use her voice. “Part of our trip is to spread deaf awareness. There are many more beings in this galaxy who do not have access to medical advances.”

“I thought you wanted us ‘be as we were meant to be.’” There was bitterness that he just couldn’t prevent from coloring his voice.

The person squeezed his hand gently. Then after a moment flipped his palm up and began to trace something there. He focused, brow furrowing in concentration. W-R-I-T-E.

Footsteps approached.

“Cale’b?” Sasha asked with a hard B on his name.

Caleb. He squeezed his eyes closed and pressed his lips together. Unbidden, he heard his master’s ghost in his mind.

He traced his fingers along the person’s palm. C-O-N-F-U-S-E-D. He hoped that one word would be enough to convey his question of what they were doing.

Lots of typing. A minute passed before the datapad answered.

“Lots of kids in the Outer Rim who are deaf don’t have access to language. Lip reading is difficult. We’re trying to spread resources of sign language and awareness about being deaf. Sasha has a few hearing shells she is distributing as well.” Pause. More typing. “We also advocate for equal opportunities. Especially in the time of the Empire, we are being forced to beg. We’re capable people. We can work and do things. We shouldn’t be underestimated or cast aside.”

He wondered what they did to spread awareness and advocate. They were lucky to have one another. The connection and love between them was strong in the Force. Now it made sense why they had taken the Brubbs if they were committed to creating opportunities for those who were deaf.

He gave them a thumbs up.

“How long?” Sasha asked suddenly.

The hand tapped against his own. 6-M-O-N-T-H-S.

Six long dark blank months. Four hands pressed against him and he started, not expecting the sudden gesture, but he felt the warmth and sincerity there. Then there was more typing on the datapad.

“It is not our place to say this but don’t limit yourself,” the datapad said. A hand pressed into his shoulder. “Can’t relate because I was born this way. Never had hearing and it’s completely different anyway, but don’t listen to the ones who tell you that you can’t do something. Even if that person is yourself. You can.”

But he couldn’t see. Couldn’t even deduce which of them he was talking to. But he could feel them in the Force. Warmth. Genuine. Passionate.

“Where is your final destination?”

Kanan shouldn’t tell them. “Jedha.” J-E-D-H-A, he traced into the person’s hand. There was a long moment he got the impression they were sharing looks. Jedha was known for being dangerous.

“The Jedi are gone,” Sasha said instead. “There are no more mir’cles there.”

He pulled back. That wasn’t why—but then that was why. That was their “reason.” His stomach sickened and he turned his head away. Wasn’t that what he had been trying to do while meditating by the perimeter where it was quiet? Trying to heal his damaged eyes using the uncooperative Force. He had heard about such things when he was a youngling…at the temple.

Back when there were Jedi.

Back when he was a different Caleb.

Back when he was someone who didn’t give up.

There was a sound altering that they were coming out of hyperspace and he looked around worried that no one would hear. He opened his mouth to say something.

“Lights flash,” Sasha answered his question for him. “It is all abou’t makin’g liddle accommoday-shuns.” There was a gesture.

The music boomed and bounced the ship.

Kanan put his head on the table and waited for someone to come lead him when it was time to leave.

000

Stumbling up the steps, Kanan in tow, they tripped several times and nearly fell. Ezra forgot to warn Kanan of the steps when he started dragging him up them and Kanan nearly fell. Kanan growled something at him and he saw a deep green aura form. Blinking, he ignored it and followed the others into the castle. There was slow music once inside, playing throughout what appeared to be a great hall-like cantina at a more tolerable volume than that of what had been blaring on the ship. Ezra’s ears were still ringing—not the Force ring, that was soft and eerie—but a high-pitched tone. Smoke billowed through the air and everything seemed in slow motion.

That vegetable that the Brubbs had been eating, that Ezra had tried, was affecting him in an odd way. He didn’t quite understand what their gestures had indicated but they had encouraged him to try it. But things seemed to be shifting in color relating to the sounds he was hearing. Not only shifting in color but there seemed to be auras floating through the smoke of the castle. When they were louder, the colors became more vivid.

Kanan’s voice had an aura of deep green. That made sense, Ezra thought idly. “You like green, right?”

“What are you talking about?” Kanan was irritated, but when wasn’t he irritated.

“The color green. Don’t you like it?”

“Yes…but why are you talking about that?”

“Your voice is green.”

Kanan didn’t respond but sort of gazed in his direction. “You’re making me worried.” For a split second Ezra thought Kanan's eyes blinked out of their mist and transformed back to clear hazel green—but no. Ezra shook himself. Maybe he should be worried too. 

The Brubbs were laughing beside him, signing rapidly to one another and pointing to Ezra. Noni was looking worried and signing to Sasha, pointing from the Brubbs to Ezra. Sasha started laughing.

“You trie’d the looch?” she said and pointed to the Brubbs’ bag of vegetables. “Stuff is trippy to humans.” Kanan’s hand on his shoulder tightened and Ezra sensed an unwarranted amount of anxiety from him.

What did that mean? Ezra shook his head sluggishly. Trippy to humans. Well, he wasn't totally 100% human. At least on his mom's side, he was somewhat sure, was some Mirialan. Way back. Or maybe there wasn't. He couldn't actually remember. “We need to find someone to take us to Jedha—”

“Jedha?!” someone asked incredulously. “Why would you want to go there?”

Ezra turned sharply, stumbling over Kanan behind him, to see a short orange humanoid with huge eyes behind thick corrective goggles. She took in them all while Ezra blinked stupidly at her.

“This is an odd group,” she commented. “You’re not all going to Jedha, are you?”

Sasha shook her head. “We’re hopin’g to stay a while.”

“Good!” the little alien affirmed. “I’m Maz.”

Sasha’s eyes widened and signed to the others, who waved and greeted her warmly. They all signed wildly and Maz began to laugh and sign back. Noni clamped her hand over her mouth and waved her hands excitedly. Ezra was just amazed at how expressive their faces were when they signed. It was fascinating… kind of like how watching Kanan move was fascinating, he thought belatedly. He moved slower, more carefully, like if he was searching for something, his hand would be open slowly moving toward something expecting to find it at any moment. 

“You know sign language?” Ezra asked Maz because no one seemed to be speaking anymore and he was losing his ability to focus. Kanan said something but he didn’t hear it. He was angled toward Maz in posture that emanated respect.

Maz nodded. “I’ve lived a long time, boy. And I have learned and have seen a great many things, having lived so long.”

She looked at him for a long moment and then looked at Kanan. “And who are you, hiding your face like that?” She tapped Kanan accusingly in the stomach and Ezra went to grab her but she dodged him in a way that knocked Kanan and threw back his hood slightly. There was a moment of confusion then some sort of pained knowing passed over her face. Ezra was sure he wouldn’t have seen that look had the world not been moving so slowly around him. He raised his hand in front of his face and began to wave it back and forth. It felt like he was moving through water.

“I may be one of the few here that knows what can make a scar like that... and it looks relatively new. Feels new in the Force." Her voice was low and she touched Kanan's hand as she spoke before turning to Ezra. "And you, I can see right through you.” She poked at him in the chest before turning to the group of Alderaans and Brubbs. She signed quickly and they bowed. A few reached out to touch Kanan on the shoulder in farewell, offering him looks of sympathy that made Ezra’s anger spark up once more. He would be fine, he wanted to tell them, but they waved to him and headed over to a different part of the cantina. Ezra waved as they disappeared through the rainbow mist before his eyes and doused the anger that cursed their retreated steps.

“You two definitely shouldn’t be going to Jedha,” she said. “Come talk to me. We’ll work out something…maybe.” She glanced.

“Uh, well we’re just a couple of refugees, “ Kanan said firmly toward Maz. “And we’re trying to keeping moving quickly to avoid the—”

“I know who you’re avoiding. Don’t worry about them here. They linger but they have no power here.” She sounded so confident but that was ridiculous. They had to be nearer to the Core, Ezra was able to reason out. There were a few troopers even in here…but only two and they seemed pretty wasted by the bar. That’s…not normal. Where were they?

“Come along, kid. Before you do start getting their attention.” She pulled his arm yanking him away so fiercely that Kanan’s hand slipped from Ezra’s shoulder.

Kanan. His hood was now again pulled way up to hide his face. He looked like a criminal and not incognito at all. Ezra stared at Kanan’s moving lips and reaching hand as though he was frozen in time.

Deep green.

Kanan took a hesitant step forward with his hand out toward them, tripping over someone’s foot, and Ezra’s skin tingled. Then he steeled his jaw and took four rapid steps to close the gap between Ezra and himself. Kanan’s hand was extended…searching…

Just like it had been on Malachor when Ezra first sensed the damage.

“Wait,” he told Maz. He took his master’s hand and darkness ate at his heart. The lightsaber hidden in his poncho felt heavy at his waist. And he was reminded of filth he couldn’t clean off because it permeated his very being. Ezra felt Kanan stop using the Force. Maz was watching them. She walked more gently taking them into a back room. Kanan still banged into several objects as they moved through the crowded room. He should be more careful, Ezra thought numbly.

Maz began talking about all sorts of things when she had sat them at a table. When had they sat down? Ezra blinked. Kanan apparently had found the table without Ezra’s help using his hand to locate the edge. Or had Ezra helped him? He couldn’t remember. All Maz had to say was about danger and advice. Kanan began defending their lie. He introduced Ezra as Eli but didn’t say his own name and Ezra saw Maz’s eyes narrow. He was putting them at risk.

The room was moving slightly and Ezra couldn’t bring himself to care. Watching the deep green of Kanan’s voice and this feeling… it was such a relief from everything. It was warm here and it suddenly felt like he hadn’t been warm in months. He shivered and Kanan gripped his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Kanan’s voice was full of worry.

“Never better. Can you find us a ship?”

Kanan’s frown deepened. He never smiled anymore but Ezra supposed smiling was for the weak. That’s what the holocron told him to avoid. And Kanan was weak. The cane on his belt suddenly consumed Ezra’s attention.

“We have to get to Jedha,” Kanan said to Maz, still holding Ezra’s shoulder. “We’ll be fine. I know… I know it doesn’t look like it but…”

“Do you believe what you’re saying?” Maz asked. “I don’t know if I can feel good about myself, sending a blind man and a drugged boy off by themselves to a warzone. Especially since they destroyed the temple. The Guardians of the Whills are scattered. It's chaos in a city. There's no protection there, boy.”

Ezra felt a little strange about Maz calling Kanan boy. She was small, orange, and for sure old but Kanan was definitely an adult. He didn't say anything. Something in the Force told him to hold his tongue. There was a knowing light radiating from within her in the Force. 

Kanan clenched his fist and his grip tightened on Ezra’s shoulder. “We need to go there, Maz. No questions. We will get there just fine I… we’ll find a way. There is always a way.” He didn’t sound like he believed it. He sounded desperate. Ezra shoved Kanan’s hand away, suddenly disgusted with Kanan’s lack of hope and belief. Didn’t he believe Ezra could get them there?

The cold returned.

“There is always a way,” Ezra affirmed. The holocron had shown him. “If you will not help us.” Fire burned cold and hot and angry in him. Was his voice always so red and black? He raised his hand ready to influence her with the Force.

“That won’t work on me,” she said and shook her head. Kanan turned his head toward him and Ezra got the impression that he was trying to glare. Maz’s demeanor shifted. “You both have a long road ahead of you.” She sighed, her expression softening as she looked deeply at Ezra. “I’ve seen your eyes one too many times and I’m not talking about the glazed look of someone who has eaten something they shouldn’t have.”

Kanan pinched the bridge of his nose.

“And you, the one who won’t give me his name.” Her huge eyes soaked Kanan's appearance in before she reached out and took Kanan’s hand. “I thought I would never see you again. That’s what you told me the last time you were here, drifter. I hope your friend is doing well. She was a good one. ”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kanan turned his head but his cheeks were colored. "She's doing fine. We... are still working together."

“Good,” her voice was gentle. “You should already know I will help you even when I try to deny it. I owe you a favor—”

Ezra looked curiously at Kanan but there was no expression on his face. The lights flashed hazily before his eyes and the room swirled with the sudden movement.

“Even when Eli here seems like he’s going to get you both killed.” Now Maz looked at Ezra again. Those huge eyes captivated him in his hazy state.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ezra snapped trying to get his foggy thoughts finally coming together.

Maz ignored him. “Come with me. I will take you to the only crew I’ve seen heading to Jedha in over a decade. Seems the Force is with you.” She winked at them.

Kanan stiffened. Maz moved ahead of Ezra and brushed her hand against Kanan’s. He put his hand on her shoulder and she led him while Ezra followed. What had happened here? Ezra watched as she was talking to Kanan softly under her breath. He could feel Kanan’s discomfort and a sadness washing through him at whatever Maz was telling him.

“Hey,” Ezra stepped up. “You can’t tell anyone about us!”

“Stop making a scene. You should be saying thank you for helping you,” Maz said rolling her eyes, and Kanan nodded. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s nothing to tell. Anyway you’ll be safe with Leon Fisto.” She ignored him and walked up to an elderly Nautolan who was leaning on a staff. “Would you mind taking these two refugees with you? They had a rough time on Gorse and are hoping to find some hope again.”

Leon smiled. “You don’t find hope. Hope finds you in Jedha.”

“May the Force be with you,” Maz said, letting Kanan go. She caught Ezra’s eye. “Be careful not to fall when trying to balance on a tightrope between the spotlight and the abyss.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?”

But she didn’t answer and just walked back into the shifting masses of people and billowing smoke. Leon was telling Kanan how even the Empire seemed to leave Maz alone. That she was one of the few that could still feel how the universe was all connected. Ezra didn’t like it. He felt like she knew things about him that were impossible to know. It was the same feeling that he used to get from Kanan. That’s when he sensed it like a flicker in the Force. Maz was Force-sensitive. His eyes widened. She knew what they were. Oh how could he have not seen that? He was so stupid. What if she told the empire about them?

“Come on. It’s time to get going,” Leon said in his elderly gentle voice. He didn’t ask their names and it made Ezra worried. What if it was a trap? He looked at Kanan and guilt racked through him. Well if it was, then this Nautolan would wish he had never been born.

“It’s best to arrive on Jedha when it’s night there,” Leon continued. “That’s when the kyber sings.”

Kanan pulled out his cane when Ezra began to grab for his hand. “Will you lead me to your ship, Leon Fisto? Thank you so much for taking us.”

Ezra hated how Kanan lowered his head in his hood. He stared at his empty hand, feeling as empty as his hand. He would show Kanan. When they got to Jedha, he would show Kanan how capable he was.

His head swam with the remnants of the looch and as soon as he walked out into the open air again, the full effects seemed to hit him all over again. It was all he could do not to stumble and pass out right on the ground. He barely made it inside the ship before he passed out.

Yeah, he would show Kanan, he thought bitterly.

000

Kanan actively tried to block out the Force but exhaustion was winning out over his control.

And anxiety, as he analyzed what had transpired on this journey. He hoped Hera had better luck. All he could do was wait until they made contact to gather the relief. He wrung his hands together. They were clammy and cold.

This was all why he tried to stay to the Outer Rim. People like him… well, he always tended to run into people he knew, when the chances of it happening in a galaxy this big were basically nonexistent. Like Maz. Though she did operate the largest free port in the Mid Rim. But regardless he had only met here for barely a rotation—did a little milk run for her—but that was it! And it had been more than six years ago! Yet still, she had immediately pegged him for who he was and as a Force user. That was dangerous. Ezra was dangerous. They needed to be careful and he needed to use his cane else he got identified again. Zaluna had been right. She had told him that if he didn’t use his cane, he would be immediately identified as a Force user. And Ezra said he looked blind. Whatever that truly meant…

His heart sank, thinking over the words Ezra had used to describe his eyes. They must be scary looking. Ugly. He covered them with his hand. He couldn’t truly picture it, and what it came up with was grotesque.

Ezra slept as whatever he ate passed through his system. He hoped that it would pass quickly because that was horrifying in Maz’s castle. He had been afraid the whole time that Ezra would pass out and Kanan would be on his own. He wasn’t ready for this. That whole experience just confirmed it. He wasn’t good enough to use the Force and protect them. Probably never would be. He needed to see and Maul had taken that from him.

The alert sounded that they were pulling out of hyperspace. It had been a much quieter trip than the last one. Leon Fisto had been saying that he liked to go to old temples even though they were dangerous.

Kanan was surprised. Most people even avoided saying anything related to the Jedi. If overheard, you were putting yourself at risk for investigation. Even Maz hadn’t said the word. That’s how it was outside the Ghost. You didn’t talk about what was dead.

What was dead. Kanan thought about how the Grand Inquisitor taunted him for not displaying his full saber attached to his belt. And now he didn’t even have it with him. Right now, the Jedi were dead. Him and Ezra couldn’t be Jedi. Darth Vader and Maul had proven that.

‘Why do you go the temples?” Kanan asked. “Why do you like it?”

Leon Fisto was quiet for a long moment. “My grandson… I suppose. I never met him. He died in the Clone Wars and it helps me feel closer to him.” He laughed. “Sounds silly, doesn’t it?”

That gave Kanan pause and he thought he remembered something but he couldn’t quite bring the memory to surface. “No. It doesn’t. I lost…” He stopped talking. “I lost a lot of people during the explosion on Gorse… and I hope that maybe I can find a way to be close to them again.” Actually he wanted nothing to do with that past. He wanted it to remain dead. Revisiting the old ways had led him to him losing his sight. Betrayed again by the Force.

The ship began the landing cycle. He could hear the thrusters shifting. There was something tingling. A feeling that he hadn’t felt…in a long time.

“Can you feel that?” he asked suddenly, which he shouldn’t have done. Kanan used to be so careful. For nearly fifteen years, he never mentioned anything that might remotely get him killed. Now he was dropping hints constantly. Did he want to die?

He noticed the blankness again. There was nothing to see. No darkness. Just nothing and he focused so much on his other senses that it wasn’t like he saw darkness and tried to see through it. There was nothing to see. It wasn’t a sense he had and he had noticed that now when he didn’t think about what he wasn’t seeing, he “saw” through his ears his mind supplying fragments of visual memories and information to interact with this world only through his remaining senses. It wasn’t like he pictured the chair he was sitting in and feeling in his mind. He was just aware of the armrests, the back and hard cushion. He was aware of Leon’s wheezing breaths to indicate his presence. But he didn’t picture a Nautolan because he wasn’t touching or sensing anything that would identify him as such. He didn’t picture a ship’s cockpit where he was sitting. He wasn’t even thinking about it… And now that he was thinking about all this that he was missing, he noticed the nothingness of his lack of sight. It made him instantly nauseous. And any positivity and usefulness that he might have been feeling evaporated.

…did he want to die?

You win by surviving.

“We’re here. That’s what it feels like when you near a temple,” Leon Fisto explained and the ship settled to the ground with a shaking rumble. “The sensation is strong here. Probably because of the kyber crystals here.”

His anxiety rose and the ship’s hum died. Kanan was putting them n even more danger. He was a burden and a liability.

“Caleb?” Leon asked, his gruff voice dusted with worry.

"I am not fully healed, Caleb Dume," the voice of a ghost he didn’t want to hear whispered from nowhere. He couldn’t even bring himself to think her name: the name of his master. "Or rather I am healed but not yet whole…I would be a liability…"

“I think finally understand,” he whispered, unable to control himself, and he felt Leon Fisto regard his words.

“Strange things happen when there’s a large quantity of kyber,” Leon Fisto said and tapped his shoulder. “Come on.”

Kanan didn’t know he was shaking until he was standing and walking a half step behind Leon Fisto. The Nautolan’s lekku brushed his chest and shoulder every few steps. Fisto, his mind thought absently. Wasn't there someone he had heard of with that name? During the Clone Wars... No, he thought. Impossible.

“D-do you feel that?” Ezra asked groggily when they approached him, and the hold’s door lowered. A bell-like ringing was in the air and it made Kanan’s heart ache for something he barely remembered when he was young.

"Whoa!" Ezra was breathless. So was Kanan. 

The singing of the kyber crystals as they resonated and harmonized in balance with the Force. He could feel them. Surrounding them. And through them, through the Force, the ghosts of all the Force-sensitives and wielders now gone. Masters and knights of the Jedi Order among other great individuals who came to see the crystals over the ages. It was overwhelming... breathtaking. 

They should never have come here.


	6. Jedha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan and Ezra arrive on Jedha and meet the various people who live there.

There was a dance, not in the literal sense, but a feeling. As if the wind was both pushing and pulling. It was as if gravity, rather than grounding them, was spiraling around them and making them almost weightless. But it was just a feeling that was created by the area. By the hum of the crystals at night. By the voices of the monks who pilgrimaged here. Even the crying of the the protestors added to the dance. The push. And the pull of the Force surrounding the crystals.

Kanan had forgotten what it had been like to be in a place so connected to the Force. But memories were returning in small and unbidden flashes in his mind. He didn’t want to remember what it had been like at the Temple when he was very little, before the Clone Wars. Before they began teaching the saber techniques. They were encouraged to dance in order to understand how the Force moves around them and through them. To be aware of the darkness and stay only in the light.

Caleb had been scared to dance at first because the darkness used to whisper in his mind. There were no words but he heard it, and with it would come that coldness of a future that at the time he didn’t understand. Visions used to come to him often when he was little. But visions not in the way where he saw anything, but a sudden overwhelming sensation of what was to come. Perhaps that was what had made him such a good strategist.

Nomads from the open mesas now circled the streets with drums and high-pitched stringed instruments. They danced around him with bells tied to their extremities dipping and tossing what sounded like coins. Kanan slid his hand along the ground until he found one. No one used coins anymore, he thought. There was something engraved on it but he didn't know what it was. A line between two designs of some sort. They clapped their hands in a slow somber beat while singing in eerie echoing voices.

Kanan kept his head low while he sat in the dirt beside some wall. They were close to the temple. He didn’t know how close but close enough that the crystals were always singing. It made his head kind of fuzzy and he had a hard time trying to listen in for sounds of stormtroopers checking the area, like he was supposed to be doing. However, he was doing a spectacular job of blending in as far as he could tell. There were quite a few other wounded looking for some sort of miracle here. An old woman had been giving him bread from her shop nearby and told him stories of hope to which he would just smile and nod.

The few days they had been here had seemed to pass in a hot dry haze. The air was filled with carbon scoring, spices, perfumed smoke, and the smell of a great many beings moving through the thin and winding streets. Being here made Kanan feel drunk on the Force and permanently dehydrated. His tongue was sticky and thick in his mouth. So he found himself meditating in the streets rather than begging, trying to reign in that energy and perhaps focus it enough to heal his eyes. He had never been taught anything about healing through the Force, but he knew it had been possible to some extent.

The energy swirled around and through him now but instead of calming him, he found that the concentration here was full of pain. It was full of ghosts and the silenced Force-sensitives that had once thrived here.

He tensed as the past snuck up on him again. He tried to push it back and simply focus on his eyes. He tried to picture the mechanisms that were broken within his eyes. But he couldn’t. In his mind, there was a blank. Kanan had never paid attention to human biology when he was a youngling and it seemed that every time he tried to push past that blankness, the only thing he could see was a flash of red. Then there was pain and Ezra’s anger. Fear. Frustration. And still the persistent emptiness of grief. Not for just his eyes… but for the Jedi. For a future and a present that never was.

He squeezed his eyes tighter as it happened again.

“…Remember, Padawan, not all sacrifice is as easy to dismiss.” His master’s memory was once again speaking to him through the Force. “There will be loss. Inevitable loss, painful loss. But that must not prevent the true Jedi from taking risks… from surrendering oneself to a higher purpose—“

Kanan opened his eyes, banishing the ghost of his master, and her words. He didn’t want to remember those words. He didn’t want to think about if she had known that things were about to change forever. And he definitely didn’t want to acknowledge how much truth and relevance those words still held now.

The hollowness in his chest seemed to only grow wider. This place was a strange place. It was not peaceful like the temple on Lothal. It was different.

Even Ezra seemed to be affected and had been acting differently since they had arrived. That, or whatever he had eaten had gone to his head and stayed there. He had become more soft-spoken and listening more rather than speaking. It was a nice change. At least that was how he had been when they first arrived. But there was something driving Ezra now... Kanan couldn't quite figure out what it was. 

They had been here for three days and it felt like an eternity and a second at the same time when Kanan thought about it. Leon Fisto had brought them to a festival that was held in honor of ancient spirits that supposedly haunted the crystals. The spirits were older than the Jedi and many believed that they were the cause of the Jedi’s downfall since they harvested the crystals within Jedha’s heart. Kanan had thought of his own lightsaber in that moment and when he had received his own crystal. It had not been from Jedha but from Ilum’s Crystal Caves. That planet was not inhabited by sentient creatures, being far too cold and desolate to support much life, but he remembered the hum of the crystals. The visions and mysteries that lead him to his own crystal.

During the festival, Leon Fisto followed a band of mystics toward somewhere in the city. Kanan had been completely disoriented and he wondered what it looked like. He could hear wind moving through the buildings but it didn’t whistle like it would if the buildings were tall and made exclusively of metal. From what he had trailed with his fingers, the buildings seemed to be made of rock or cemented mud, as was usually the case with dry desert-like worlds.

“Look,” someone had yelled. “The spirits of kyber fly through the cracks of the city once more!”

Kanan had turned his head while clutching Ezra’s shoulder. Something small and soft like a bug had bumped his face. “What?”

“Lamp locusts,” Leon Fisto had explained. His voice was filled with awe. “They live deep in the earth here and only come out a few times a year.” There had been a movement like he was bowing but Kanan couldn’t be sure, there were many people bustling around them. “They’re considered lucky.” Leon Fisto’s voice had been soft. “I hope my grandson got the chance to see them.”

Kanan had wanted to see them too in a way that was different from what he usually felt of simply wanting to see everything again. He could only describe it like a deep honest desire to see just the way the insect could glow and inspire such belief. That’s what he wanted to see. Not just the insect but how it affected people… and hopefully how it could affect him.

Overcome with the Force suddenly flowing into him beyond his control, the isolation and separation that his blindness caused fell away. There was a vibration coming from beneath his toes. A sensation of little heat sources like sparks of light surrounding him. Like he was standing in the midst of a thousand stars.

“The Force is everywhere, in everything…” the ghost memory of his master had whispered from nowhere, yet from everywhere.

The singing of the festival-goers had died down to a soft hum as people had begun to try to match the pitch of the crystals. Warmth suddenly touched his cheeks.

“It’s dawn,” Ezra had whispered.

It is in me and it is most certainty strong in you, Caleb Dume, he had heard his master’s words again as if he was there back with her at the temple instead of standing in the crowd in Jedha. As if he was a Jedi. The sensation that she had been near him in that moment had been so strong that he nearly reached out for her.

A credit dropped into Kanan’s bowl, pulling him from his thoughts and back to the present. He bowed his head, letting his hair fall in his face. Then someone pushed whoever had given him the credit and kicked his bowl.

“Beggar scum.” Stormtrooper. Of course.

It was ten times harder not to use the Force when it was almost tangible around you. No wonder Jedha had become a capital for the Jedi. He slid his hand along the dirt toward where he had heard the bowl get kicked. He found a few coins but he had no idea how many had been in the bowl.

“Ah, there’s nothing here,” the trooper continued to his companion. “Just another alley full of beggars and gypsies.”

Kanan sighed. They were still looking for a good area to hand out the supplies as well as get them into the city. The problem was troopers were constantly patrolling the alleyways. Especially with all the negative Rebel activity surrounding the destruction of the temple. His shoulders tightened at the thought of the destroyed temple. It hadn’t happened too long ago and the sadness permeated the area, and yet still people prayed in the ruins. They took the stones and threw them at the Imperial forces guarding it.

Ezra had been there when they walked past the broken temple and something had snapped in the boy. It had been all Kanan could do to keep Ezra from changing over there and doing something that would get him killed. It was like everything they felt was amplified here. Even Ezra’s Force-sensitive signature seemed… brighter in a way.

“Are you all right?” a female voice against him. Her voice was clipped in a way that was similar to what his master’s had been. Bells ringing as the nomad leaned down to talk to him. The smell of incense was thick about her. “Those stormtroopers have no respect for life.”

“I’m fine,” Kanan said, looking up at her. His cheeks colored and he looked away, averting his blind and ruined eyes.

She sat down beside him. “What did you come here for? I have not seen you before.”

“I heard about the healing miracles that were once performed here,” he said slowly. He wasn’t sure of her intentions but warmth and understanding radiated from here in the Force. “What about you? Have you always been here?”

“Yes and no,” she answered cryptically. “My people are a moving mystic people. We follow the song-paths all over the moon and the hum of the crystals. We do not usually come to the cities, but it is a special time of year when the lamp locusts burst from their caverns beneath the surface so we were sung back here.”

“Aren’t you worried about the Empire?” Kanan couldn’t help but ask her.

There was a moment while he assumed she considered his question. “The Empire has always been a threat to my people and they have already murdered a great many of us. But we cannot live in fear.”

Now it was time for Kanan to consider her words. “I suppose not.”

“We cannot change who we are,” she said then paused. “You will not find what you are looking for on the surface. Only by digging deeper, will you find what you seek.”

Kanan didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t even sure what he was seeking. Just a safe place to deliver aid in a way no one would suspect. And they definitely wouldn’t suspect a blind man.

“We can take you there. You’ve been looking in the wrong places,” the woman said and tapped his hand. Kanan got the sudden impression that there were multiple people watching him. The bells and the dancing had stopped. He lifted his head.

The sensation that he was floating came over him, which was dangerous, he knew. And he didn’t want to trust it. The Force had let him down so many times. It didn’t protect those that were sensitive to it… it just brought them pain.

“What’s your name?” he asked instead.

“Kala,” she said.

Ezra would be coming to look for him and tell him about what he had found. He shouldn’t go with them. “You’re going to take me… underground?”

“To a place of miracles,” she said. “Somewhere that the Empire will never find because it was here before the Jedi. A place of spirits.”

“Come with us,” another voice said. It was young. “There is something kind about you. We feel it and we must hurry before they come around again.”

He knew he was going to regret this.

Kala made the decision for him when she took his hand. Extending his cane, he followed her through the blankness and confusing streets of Jedha. They turned and turned again. They walked up stairs and then down stairs. They went inside a door. The air cooled around him and there was the sound of something being moved, like a boulder. Then he was walking down, the temperature was dropping. The air was damp and the humming of the crystals became louder. Almost like an “ahhhh” sound. They came to a stop and the air currents changed, like he was in a large open space. There were the sounds of people shuffling and speaking to one another over a fair distance. So it was a big space.

“What may I call you?” she asked.

“Caleb.” The name felt wrong in his mouth.

“Welcome to the temple of miracles beneath Jedha City, Caleb.”

000

Ezra squeezed through yet another crack in the wall in his search to find one that breached it. It was dark and he resisted pulling out Kanan’s lightsaber to offer some light as he stood in the empty space of the wall created by an earthquake. Another dead end. He ran his hands through his dusty hair.

This was not how everything was supposed to go! He slammed his fist into the back wall. Kanan wasn’t supposed to be being all melancholy sitting in the streets. He was supposed to be figuring out what he could still do. And Ezra was supposed to have already found a way to smuggle relief into the city. Rex had been tailing him all day dressed as a stormtrooper while randomly going out of his way to check on Kanan. They had been here three days and with every day they stayed here, the risk increased. And it seemed to be having the opposite effect of bringing Kanan back… it seemed to be pushing him farther and farther away.

Ezra had never seen Kanan cry before like he did at the festival when the sun began to rise over the walls of the city. The lamp locusts were fluttering all about them, blindly bumping into people. People all around him had raised their hands to the rising of the sun. It was haunting him just thinking about it. Like he was being forced to watch something he didn’t want to see. Like Kanan’s blind milky eyes gazing without gazing—he shuddered.

He pressed his head against the back wall in defeat. This place was making him feel strange and he didn’t like it. He wanted it to stop! It was like he was being pulled in several directions at once, and the ringing of the Force was ceaseless and all around him all the time. It was driving him crazy. How could Kanan expect him not to use the Force when it was permeating everything like this? With all those people singing in tune to the crystals. What kind of place was this?

And all the while, he couldn’t stop feeling everything. So many emotions pushing into him and leaving him hollow. Why would anyone sensitive to the Force come here when there was so much pain? And a part of him had to think, was this how it was for Kanan when the Jedi were wiped out? It was ancient history, or at least that’s the way everyone was talking about it. But how ancient was sixteen years? It was the entirety of Ezra’s life. That’s all. And here that ancient history still felt very present. The loss was like a hole in the Force here amongst the darkness and the light and gray twilight of sensations that spiraled around like gravity on psychedelics.

He banged his fists into the wall again—crack. He stepped back for a moment and stared ahead at the blankness of the wall. Did he just hear what he thought he heard? Pressing his head against the wall once more, he listened. Wind. He stepped back and gathered what strength he had left after running around all day, and then ran into the wall, slamming his whole body against it as hard as he could.

Dust and pebbles fell from the ceiling but he couldn’t breach the wall.

He fell back on his butt and massaged his head. Okay. He needed a new plan. He always seemed to need a new plan. Ezra glanced around. There was no one here and Kanan didn’t need to know. Thinking about the holocron, he tried to focus his anger on the wall.

The lightsaber felt heavy at his waist. The ringing in his ears almost seemed like a scream for a moment, and he realized that the scream came from Kanan’s lightsaber. Irritation flooded him. The wall trembled as his concentration in the Force hardened, power welling inside him.

Furrowing his brow, he concentrated on the wall and let the telekinetic power of the Force shoot through him like a blaster.

The back wall shuddered, cracked, and then finally broke away, revealing a small opening. The sunshine poured in and nearly blinded Ezra, who had been in the pitch dark for hours. He moved forward and stuck his head through the hole to look around. Not a stormtrooper in sight. Finally, he breached the outer wall of the city. Looking around, there was nothing but desolate mesa. This was perfect.

And it only took him three days to find it… and of course it was at the opposite end of the city than where he needed to be. But whatever, he found a way to at least sneak it inside. Finally some progress.

He pushed against the wall. It didn’t budge or break apart any further. He sighed, frustrated. Then looked around again.

…There’s no one around, he thought and looked at the lightsaber at his belt. It was so much easier than the Force to just blast through the mud. Kanan didn’t have to know. He took the lightsaber, weighed it in his hands in contemplation. Then ignited the blade and jammed it into the mud wall, breaking and hacking it apart until he had created a substantial hole that was big enough to squeeze the relief crates through.

Nice. He walked through the hole and looked at his handiwork. Ezra frowned. It looked like a lightsaber hacked through the earth. That was definitely not inconspicuous. Kanan would not approve. But then, Kanan wasn’t here and Kanan didn’t care about anything anyway. Like Ezra’s brilliant idea about learning sign language for missions… it may not work out so well for Kanan but the rest of the crew could benefit for sure.

He looked around and saw a boulder nearby. That or maybe he could tack his cloak up over the hole and try to cover it up in case anyone passed by. Reaching out into the Force, he lifted the boulder and placed it before the hole.

“Hey you!”

Oh no. Stormtrooper. The boulder fell and Ezra turned, raising his arms in what he hoped was a non-threatening manner.

“What are you doing out here?” the trooper asked, raising his gun.

Ezra rolled his eyes and raised his hand. “You don’t need to know what I’m doing out here.”

“I don’t need to know what you’re doing out here.”

Too easy. “You should head back to the city. There’s nothing to see.”

“I should head back to the city. There’s nothing to see.” The stormtrooper turned heel and left.

Ezra smirked and shimmied his way back into the sliver of space left after the boulder had hid most of the hole. Kanan was being overly cautious. Nobody suspected a thing.

He spent the next couple hours making the passage travelable with his lightsaber and the Force, because no one could tell way down here. Easy. Things were starting to look up.

Popping his head out into the dry ancient sewer, there was no one so he climbed the ladder to the surface alleyway. Moving the garbage he had used to hide the hole out of the way, he pulled himself out. That was going to be the trickiest part. That was for sure. But at least he could tell Rex that he finally had an in.

Ezra dusted himself off. He definitely looked like a refugee now that he was covered in mud, dust, and grime from the tunnels. He sighed. It would be another few days before he was going to be able to properly shower.

He rounded the corner and kept to the shadows while he walked back to where he had left Kanan. This was going to brighten his day. And hopefully Kanan’s new spot was perfect for delivering out the relief, and even if it wasn’t, if Kanan thought it was okay, then Ezra would make it okay. He tapped the lightsaber at his belt. Then they would also be close enough to the temple for Ezra to maybe sneak in. He could cause a sneak a few alleys over, they would scatter, Kanan would still be fine, and—

Ezra stopped dead in his tracks, looking down the alley. Where was Kanan? Anxiety welled. It was this alley, wasn’t it? He ran over to the next alley. No Kanan. And the next after that, then doubled back. No Kanan.

And then it hit him like a tidal wave. Kanan was blind. Kanan was blind and that meant that if he wandered off, he might not get back. He might forget the way. He might have asked for help from the wrong people. Kanan couldn’t see where he was going? He could have gotten hurt again… and it would be all Ezra’s fault… again! Angry guilty tears welled in his eyes.

Ezra turned suddenly and slammed right into something white. Stormtrooper! He was about to grab the blaster he had hidden under his poncho, when—

“Whoa! It’s me!”

“Rex?”

Ezra exhaled and put his head into his hands. In and out. Where was Kanan? If he was lost, Ezra was sure he would never find his way back? And what if he was hurt?

“What’s wrong, kid?” Rex pulled him into the shadows of the now deserted alley where Kanan should still be sitting. “Where’s Kan—Caleb?”

Ezra bit his lip. “I have no idea. He was here when I left him and now he’s gone. There wasn’t anything fishy on your end? No sudden rushing of troopers? Do you think they caught him?”

Rex raised his hands. “No. If they had found Kanan and realized who he was, there would be a lot more fireworks happening. Believe me. And as far as I can tell nothing unusual happened. Not even random acts of violence.” He paused. “Well, that last part isn’t true but still.”

Chopper was lingering behind them, monitoring if others were spying on them or if they were drawing attention. They were still okay.

Ezra raced his hands through his dirty hair. “Okay. I found a spot to bring the relief in.” He gave Rex the coordinates. “I’ll rendezvous with Specter Two tomorrow and at least smuggle them as far as the city. Rex, keep the troopers distracted and send word to Specter Two.” He wished that he could see Rex’s face but as it was hidden by the helmet, that was not going to happen. He hoped that Rex wouldn’t tell Hera that he had lost Kanan. He would never hear the end of it. Never. “Chop, you and I will look for Kanan. “

Chopper grunted something obscene about how could he do something so incredibly stupid as lose someone who can’t see. Ezra shot him a dirty look. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Also, I hope you got the cameras and other surveillance technology offline and/or ready to crash tomorrow.”

Chopped beeped an affirmative.

Anger suddenly burned in place of his worry for Kanan. How stupid could he have been to leave the spot? He should have known better! It wasn’t Ezra’s fault! It wasn’t!

The darkness of the Holocron whispered in his mind, “You must become stronger…”

000

He didn’t know how long he had been down there meditating and he had gotten nowhere. Digging his fingertips into the dirt, he had concentrated and hoped and begged for something to happen. He stared with his eyes open. The mystics asked him to join into their dance and he did.

But doing so just reminded him how blind he was as Kala held him against her. She pulled his arms over his head, spreading his fingers to the sky. She held his hand as she pranced and he stumbled behind her. He spun and spun and spun. The Force embraced him in his dance and he didn’t fall. The fear and the anger and the frustration fell away as he danced holding Kala’s hand as if she were a lifeline.

A part of his heart shrunk with guilt as he pictured Hera in his mind and how much he missed her. How much he missed her voice even when she was mad. Kala was warm and kind but she would never be Hera. He fell to his knees and remembered her body pressed against his. She had been present to him, not a floating voice like everything had become. Within the Force, he could feel her heartbeat as if her chest were pressed to his once more.

Hands pressed to his back and then disappeared. Bells and footsteps danced away from him on the floor of wherever this was. He pressed his head to the dirt in defeat. Blinking, he willed his eyes to see something. Anything. But nothing changed. The sounds of the mystics dancing faded away. Breathing deeply in and then out, he sat hunched on the ground with his forehead pressed to the dirt in a semi-meditative state. The humming of the crystals became his mantra and he found himself humming back in answer, but eventually dragged himself up. He walked toward the singing crystals with his arms out and no cane.

The crystals embedded in the wall of whatever this place was were cold, like he remembered them being in Ilum, when he pressed his head against them. What he didn’t remember was the vibration from the very core of the crystal wall, like he was listening to the hum of the moon’s core.

The Force was speaking to him but he didn’t want to listen. He didn’t want to acknowledge the truth that he had known from the moment Maul’s lightsaber flashed red in his face and took with it everything he had once been. And the light. 

It occurred to Kanan that he was both lost and trapped in whatever this place was. Kala and her companions didn’t seem to realize that he had no idea how to get back. He should have been paying more attention. Or said no. He should’ve said no.

All he knew was that he was underground with his head pressed against a smooth cold kyber crystal. There were people down here and he should be asking for their help but he just didn’t want to. Embarrassment made him tense and frustrated. So he found himself sitting by himself… somewhere inside this cavern or temple or whatever it was. He couldn’t see it.

Kanan sighed and let defeat overwhelm him.

“Remember, Caleb, the universe is far from static…and as it changes, a Jedi’s role in it must evolve,” the memory of Depa Billaba told him, her voice echoing in his head.

I’m sorry, Master, he replied silently. I’m not Caleb Dume anymore.

He could almost see her understanding face in his mind as if she could hear his reply. Squeezing his eyes closed, his hollow chest ached thinking about her.

“Are you lost?” a voice asked nearby.

He shifted, unsure if the person was talking to him or not. No one else answered. Kanan reached out in the Force, the other signatures were a few meters off.

“Yes, I am talking to you,” the voice (male) continued and footsteps approached along with a scraping sound.

“I, uh, I’m not sure.” He was lost and he should just say so. Zaluna would have hit him with her cane for acting like this. But she wasn’t here and at the moment he didn’t care.

The person sat down beside him. “The nomads brought you here, didn’t they? They do love to strand strangers in their own hidden temple.”

“I’m not stranded.”

“Do you know how to get out, then?”

Kanan paused. “Well, no.”

“Then you are stranded, aren’t you? It’s easy to become entranced by the crystals down here. It can drive you mad,” the person explained. “That is why there used to be people to guard the temple. Not only to protect the crystals, but to protect the people as well.” The person paused. “Especially those who are one with the Force.”

“I’m—How—Who are you?” This was bad. Kanan didn’t have a blaster or a lightsaber to defend himself with, and he suddenly realized that was incredibly stupid. His Force awareness sharpened, as he believed he perceived a threat.

But then softened as the only emotions and intentions sent back were curiosity and wonder.

“My name is Chirrut Imwe,” the man said. “I used to be a Guardian of the Whills at the temple above before it was destroyed… I come down here sometimes to be closer to the past. They say those who were sensitive to it, could hear echoes of the past in the song of the crystals.”

“It’s so loud.”

There was a paused and Kanan bit his lip. Did he say something wrong? But the crystals truly were messing with his head, and as he listened their hum became more of a lament.

“I don’t think I hear it quite like you do,” Chirrut said and there was a bit of amusement in his voice. “There are none now in Jedha I think that hear it like you do.”

Kanan frowned. Was this man making a blind joke? But there was something… else about this man. Warmth like a glow in the Force.

“Guardian of the Whills, you say?” Kanan asked and very carefully reached out in the Force to try and understand this man. Not sensitive to the Force but... very open to it; letting it through him.

“Let’s get out of this liminal place while the nomads are still passed out from their frenzied ceremony,” Chirrut said and stood. “I bet you are hungry.”

Kanan hesitated. His stomach growled just at the mention of food. But he didn’t know this person and he had already made the mistake of following strangers around blind.

“Unless you have a better plan for getting out of this cavern?” Chirrut said. “I come down here once a day to save people who are lost in the crystal maze.”

“Crystal maze?” Kanan asked. It felt like open space.

“With so many crystals around many people see only reflections of themselves and can’t escape unless they know what to look for,” Chirrut explained. “…Or so I’m told.”

The room suddenly shuddered and groaned and Kanan involuntarily pressed his back to the crystal wall. “What was that?”

“Earthquake caused by those ignorant imperial miners harvesting the crystal,” Chirrut said with a hint of anger. “I’m sure they’ve displaced even more people from their homes.”

The mission. The reason why they were here. He had forgotten in the strange hum of the crystals. He needed to get out of here. Kanan stood on wobbly legs, having not stood or moved in quite some times. Probably hours.

“That’s it. Now follow me.”

“Wait.” Kanan was feeling several emotions all at once. Embarrassment for having to ask for help. Confusion on why this person didn’t acknowledge that Kanan was blind. But also relief at not being assumed helpless.

Maybe he could follow Chirrut’s signature. Maybe he didn’t need to ask for help. With a resigned sigh, he extended his cane and tapped the ground twice to make sure it wouldn’t collapse on him.

“Do you have trouble walking?” Chirrut asked.

Kanan’s brow furrowed. “No. Why?”

“You have a cane.”

“I… I can’t see too well.” Or at all. Why did he say it like that? He was being like Zaluna when she pretended to be sighted… but that was something she could somewhat do since she had some sight.

Chirrut laughed goodheartedly and Kanan’s frowned deepened.

“I can’t see too well, either,” Chirrut laughed and started walking. Kanan followed just far enough behind so as not to hit the man with his cane. The Force was with him as he moved, warning him of obstacles like he had been practicing by concentrating on the area his cane detected, and all the while keeping track of Chirrut as the man moved.

What did he mean by that? “Are you blind?” Kanan asked. They moved through a narrow passage, up stairs, around several corners, and up more broken stairs before finally breaching the tunnel or whatever they were in—it felt like a tunnel, the air was compressed and the sound echoed. The hum of the crystals lessened to a more tolerable and ignorable level.

“Yes, I am,” Chirrut said plainly. “And both more blind and more sighted than you at the same time.”

What a very Jedi-like answer, Kanan noted with a pang of both annoyance and nostalgia. That was something his master would have said for sure.

“What, may I ask, is your name?”

“Ka… leb. Caleb.” Kanan licked his lip. Each time he said it, his fourteen-year-old self popped into his mind. The features blurred by time but still there, clad in Jedi robes and ready to save the galaxy. “My name’s Caleb.”

“It is nice to meet you, Caleb,” Chirrut said while he trailed a wall with his hand. His fingertips made a soft sound against the mud wall. Kanan kept his cane close to his body and gripped the grip of the cane lower, so it would decrease the space and arc, since the area was narrow and there seemed to be either people or obstacles all around. Chirrut turned down an alley and ducked into a tent—there was the whoosh of a sheet.

Kanan felt the tent in the Force but detected it with his cane before collapsing the cane. He bent down carefully to crawl inside. His fingers found a dusty rug spread out and they searched until he found a seat cushion. He sat.

“I didn’t even need to tell you about the seat cushion. You would have had to tell me if I came to a new place with such low light like this,” Chirrut said thoughtfully. "Especially if I came here without the echo-box."

"Echo box?"

"It's a small box that I have attached to the hip. When I first came to the temple, the other guardians gave it to me. It interprets my surroundings and transmits them to me through vibrations." He hunched over a small fire pit. “Would you like some tea?”

“Yes, please.” Kanan was parched. He couldn’t remember when he last had something to drink. Maybe yesterday? “Can people still get echo-boxes?"

Chirrut hummed. "Maybe... however, the Empire doesn't really give much thought into making people's lives easier. Especially those that can't afford cybernetics or for people that cybernetics can't cure. So I assume they are hard to come by now. This one is nearly fifteen years old."

Kanan sighed. The deaf Alderaans had said something similar that the Empire thinks that they are useless. He decided to change the subject. "You said it's low light? I can’t see light.”

“Must mean you can’t see darkness either.” There was the sound of boiling water and the smell of fresh herbs and leaves. Steam puffed and circulated throughout the tent. It was cold and Kanan suspected that it was nighttime. A cup was set down on a circular platform in front of him. Most likely a table. He reached out and verified what he felt in the Force.

“Can you see light?” Kanan didn’t know why he was asking this. But he felt the need to keep talking even when it felt awkward because the silence, and absence of auditory verification that another person was there, was still slightly harrowing.

“Hmm… yes, and some shapes if they’re close and large and I'm actually looking,” Chirrut explained. “But for me, I can't really interpret what I see. I mostly rely on other methods with my other senses. I was born blind.” He tapped something. “That’s why I have a kyber crystal embedded in the end of my cane too. I can hear its hum and can judge where things are, and how far away from me they are, based off its tone when I’m using it. Kind of like echolocation, I guess.”

“You hear the crystals too?”

There was a pause. Kanan thought about his lightsaber. He hadn’t ignited it since Malachor and now he wondered if his crystal sang too when he wielded it. Maybe it did and he had never noticed. Ezra was always talking about hearing things… Kanan sipped his tea. It was weak and watery, but warm and satisfying all at the same time.

“Not as well as you do, I think.”

Kanan turned his head. Chirrut couldn’t know. Chirrut wasn’t Force sensitive, Kanan was sure of it. At least not enough that would qualify him as Force sensitive, since all beings were connected to the Force.

"So you live here?" he asked feeling the dusty cushion.

"No usually. This is a temporary space while I wait for someone," Chirrut explained. "He thinks I'm more helpless than I am. But I have the Force."

Kanan didn't say anything. The Force couldn't be trusted. He had learned that lesson many times. He had thought he could trust it when Ezra went with Maul even though his gut said not to. He had thought that he could just figure out whatever consequences came their way. Obviously that didn't work out, he thought bitterly. And the real kicker was that he was left almost more dependent on the Force. Dependent on everything and everyone.

“I know that one day, you will realize you are not as limited as you think you are,” Chirrut said cryptically in a way that reminded Kanan of the Jedi too well. His stomach tightened, but then—

Beep, beep, grunt! A droid came whirling into the tent and banged into Kanan. Kanan struggled against it as its little arms flailed. It shocked him spitefully.

“Chopper?!”

“Pass in peace,” Chirrut said kindly.

The devilish droid growled and moaned in irritation and worry. Kanan got the impression that he was being scanned over for injuries. Then beeped at in binary about all the dangerous things that could have happened especially because Chopper wasn’t there. Didn’t he remember Malachor?

“Pass in peace?” Kanan said incredulously, because this wasn’t just any droid. This was Chopper. He destroyed peace. And this Chirrut guy reminded him of masters at the temple more and more. It made him sick to his stomach. They were gone.

“Kanan!” Ezra swooped into the tent and grabbed Kanan’s shoulders. “I mean, Caleb!” He must’ve seen Chirrut. Kanan rolled his eyes and monitored Chirrut’s reaction in the Force. It remained calm if not a little amused. “

“I was so worried! What if you had gotten hurt? Where did you go? Are you all right? What were you thinking? Why didn’t you just come back?” Ezra’s hands moved over his head and shoulders to look him over as if he was hurt.

Kanan frowned and pulled back. “I… I made a mistake.”

“Made a mistake?” Ezra asked irritably. “Made a mistake? You just left without telling me?” Anger swelled in the Force. “We have the relief crates to get tomorrow. I found a passage and you need to learn it by tomorrow!”

“Relief crates?” Chirrut echoed curiously.

So much for mission secrecy.

“Eli,” Kanan said sternly and tilted his head toward the man. “This is Chirrut Imwe.”

“Nice to meet you,” Ezra said more quietly now, as if finally realizing that he was being an idiot.

“Are you bringing relief crates for the people left stranded by the Empire’s destruction of the temple?” Chirrut asked and his voice hinted at hopefulness.

“Yes. I just found a way to smuggle them from outside the walls.” Ezra sat down beside Kanan on the ground without a cushion. “Still working on getting them through the city.” Then he paused, and fear spiked. “We’re not selling!”

“No, no. I would like to help you if I can. I know the streets well and the ones that the Empire barely monitors where the orphans hold up.”

“How?” Ezra’s voice was flat. “You’re blind.”

“Really?! I had no idea!” Chirrut laughed though no one else did. Then his voice changed as if he was speaking to a small child. “But I have lived here my whole life and I know every street and corner like the back of my hand.”

Kanan lifted his head. Born blind and he knew this whole city? Kanan fiddled with his fingers. “I don’t know how to help.”

“You can help act as cover,” Chirrut said.

“He will not be the bait!” Ezra defended.

“I didn’t say bait. I said cover. I think Caleb here is very capable and knows a lot more than he lets on.”

Kanan shook his head. That wasn’t true. He had no idea where they were at the moment. And he also had no clue how to get to the temple from here.

“There are lots of prisons,” Chirrut said putting his hand on Kanan’s shoulder. “The easiest and hardest of prisons to escape are the one we build around ourselves. Have some faith.”

Kanan had learned the hard way not to trust faith. The Jedi had paid that price. And so had he.

“How can we trust you?” Kanan asked.

“He’s not a threat,” Ezra suddenly interjected. “Can’t you see it? Feel it in the Force?” Kanan reached out and missed Ezra when he attempted to nudge him to shut up.

“The Force is with me and I am one with the Force,” Chirrut chanted, and somehow Kanan got the impression that Chirrut was smiling.

As Kanan’s hand missed, his fingers brushed something metal attached to Ezra’s waist and the touch sent a jolt of familiarity through him via the Force. A crystal hummed at his touch.

His… lightsaber?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is updated a few days later! My internet went out. Though it was actually kind of nice... in a way.


	7. Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra causes trouble... surprise surprise...

Kanan had been even more distant than normal since last night and he was stumbling around more. Or maybe Ezra had just noticed more. He was hyper aware of Kanan and it made him uncomfortable. Ezra was relieved when he slipped outside of Jedha to meet Hera to get the crates. She had been waiting in the shadow of the nearby rock formation.

“How is Kanan?” That of course was the first thing out of her mouth while her green eyes searched him for information.

“He’s fine.” His eyes noticed the way she nervously picked at her gloves. A habit she had started since they returned from Malachor. He had first noticed it when Kanan had finally started walking around the ship again a week or so after Malachor. Hera used to watch him, picking at her gloves, and biting her lip as he either narrowly avoided something or didn’t. It got worse when Kanan’s bandage was removed.

“Let’s get this distributed and get out of here.” Ezra didn’t want to think about the early days. He definitely didn’t want to think about Kanan’s ruined eyes. About how every time Kanan walked into the room, Ezra would leave because how… how could Kanan stand to be near someone like Ezra who let something so bad happen to him.

As if sensing where Ezra’s thoughts had taken him, she reached out and squeezed his shoulder. She looked out of place, dressed as a nomad with a deep brown hood covering her face. And without the Ghost. The ship she was using was an older model of cargo ship. Slow and nothing like the Ghost. Very scavenger-hunter-like, Ezra thought.

He took the crates from her. But the hot silent walk did nothing to stifle the dark turn his thoughts had taken. All he could see was Kanan stumbling around, using that stupid cane, and his ruined eyes. Ezra had thought that with Kanan dressed as he was without his mask, that he would get more used to it. Move past it.

But then last night, Kanan had said some things to Chirrut that made his stomach turn uncomfortably. They had talked long into the night about navigating without sight, and the sound of the crystals. Ezra had closed his eyes to try and understand but all he found was that the darkness scared him, and he longed for the holocron to give him the focus he needed.

How could he find the anger and fuel he needed, when Kanan’s voice held only emptiness and grief? Ezra could remember Kanan’s voice when it was full of quick replies and good-natured sarcasm. And he had been so worried about Kanan, that he couldn’t even fight the relief he felt at finding him safe. The holocron was right about one thing. His master was weak. Ezra needed to get stronger.

Using the Force, he moved the boulder without a second thought.

He almost didn’t want the mission to be over. Because then they would go back to base, and he was beginning to think nothing would get better. He frowned inside his makeshift tunnel. There was no way he could get two crates through at the same time. So he left one just inside the hole and pushed the other one up and through the winding tunnels.

He popped his head out of the sewer where Kanan, Chopper, and Chirrut were waiting. He looked around and there was no one else. Rex had been standing guard at the edge of the alleyway, making it appear as if it was covered.

Ezra moved the sewer lid back. There were two blind guys and Chopper, he didn’t need to be careful. Using the Force, he lifted the crate through the hole and moved it safely to the side. “One up. Just one more to go.”

“You shouldn’t be doing that,” Kanan warned suddenly, and his voice held a bite that made Ezra cringe. "You are putting us all at risk with the choices you're making."

“I’m being careful,” he countered, regardless of how the tone had hurt. Kanan didn’t know what he was talking about. He couldn’t see. 

“Just because I can’t see doesn’t mean that I’m ignorant,” Kanan snapped, and used his cane to locate the crate. 

"Yeah well you can't exactly lead anymore, Kanan." Ezra hated himself even as he said the words, but he couldn't stop. "You've been making that perfectly clear for a while now. You just gave up!" Something felt like it was ripping to shreds inside Ezra's chest.

Kanan turned away from him. “Chopper. You and I are taking this one first, if that’s all right with you, Chirrut?”

“Patience,” Chirrut said suddenly and Ezra watched Kanan roll his glazed eyes. Kanan crossed his arms and waited. That was… strange, Ezra thought.

Ezra jumped down and went quickly through the tunnel to get the other crate. There were shadows in the alcove!

“When did this get here?” Stormtrooper!

“Did you see that kid? He looked familiar. I saw him yesterday now that I think about it.”

Ezra bit his lip. This wasn’t good but he needed to get that relief. And maybe this was the time to prove to Kanan that he could make everything better. Maybe this was the moment the holocron had been training him for.

Using the Force, he made the crate zoom toward him. He grabbed it and ran through the tunnel in hot pursuit. He was faster and reached the sewer ahead of them. Concentrating, he telekinetically threw the crate through the sewer hole to the surface.

“I’ll meet you there!” Ezra called trying to be nonchalant and he felt the anger welling inside him. He felt the focus. And the troopers’ actions became all too clear to him.

He turned back to the troopers and ignited Kanan’s lightsaber.

In the darkness of the tunnel, he had the advantage. He was faster. He knew the area. And there was the shock factor of a lightsaber involved. But then… there wasn’t just two troopers. There was many and they just kept coming.

He jumped over one and blocked a shot. Ezra couldn’t lose here. He had to win. Kanan couldn’t know that he messed up… again. No!

Spinning around blaster shots, he reflected them back skillfully and they fell stunned by their own fire. Ezra smiled and went at the others. Suddenly there was a rumbling in the tunnel and the disturbing sound of rock cracking.

He sensed it in the Force but it was too late.

The tunnel collapsed.

000

Chopper was uncharacteristically silent while he led Kanan and Chirrut through the streets. After several battles about Kanan’s cane usage, the object was now retracted and on his belt. Chopper had made it very clear that no other piece of technology would be helping Kanan while he granted Kanan his “generous” assistance.

When Kanan had first joined Hera’s crew—when her crew was really just Kanan—Chopper had made it his goal to drive Kanan crazy. That little droid tried every trick in the book to get rid of Kanan. Electrocuting him while he slept. Changing the caf mix and adding different spices that made your tongue bleed. Stealing his things.

Like his lightsaber.

That was how Hera discovered he still had it. The little demon-bot had broken into his quarters and stolen it, and Kanan couldn’t even ask for it back because he hadn’t told Hera yet that he had been a Jedi. She knew. But that wasn’t the point.

So Kanan had fought back. Using the Force to shove the infuriating little droid out of the way, lifting him and watching him struggle, fighting the droid telekinetically when Chopper tried to override the door’s lock mechanism during the night. Chopper was loyal to Hera. And that was fine.

But then after weeks of Kanan winning the petty battles going on behind Hera’s back, Chopper had pulled out his secret weapon: Hera. Chopper brought Kanan’s lightsaber, from wherever he had hidden it, to Hera, complaining that Kanan had been keeping secrets and needed to be jettisoned out in space. 

Kanan had been drinking cold caf, hung-over—because he hadn’t quite moved past his partying where he wanted to get blackout drunk to forget the past phase just yet—and he hadn’t showered yet. He had been playing with his slightly greasy hair, kinked from the ponytail he usually kept it in, when Hera marched in looking spectacular as always. Kanan was always slightly stunned by her when she walked in. She was so beautiful and smart and articulate—

“You don’t have to tell me.” Her voice hadn’t been accusing, but curious and almost sad. “But I think this is yours.” She held out his lightsaber.

As he stared at the object in her hand, he contemplated playing dumb. Just for a moment. Because maybe if he played dumb, she would forget it, and he could pretend that it wasn’t the 10 year anniversary of his master’s death, along with all the other Jedi in galaxy.

But, Hera would know the truth, and he didn’t want to lie to her. For once, he wanted someone to know him, so that he could call this place home despite the danger.

Chopper had gawked and beeped aggressively that Kanan was dangerous and—Hera put her foot down. “This rivalry between you two is over. Kanan is staying, C1-10P, and do not take his things again.”

Kanan had blinked up at her in disbelief. “Hera, I…”

“I know you’re to blame too, partially.” Hera set the lightsaber down before him. “But this is your home and you’re safe here.”

Kanan had actually cried. Maybe it was because of the hangover, or because it was the anniversary of his master’s death and the loss of the only family he had ever known, but she had taken his hands in hers for the first time in any meaningful and sincere way then. And he knew that he would never leave her.

They never talked about that day and even when Kanan did finally bring himself to say the words, “I was never a knight, but I had been a padawan learner before Order 66… my name had been Caleb,” she never mentioned the day she returned his lightsaber to him.

Then Zeb joined and the rest, and Chopper and Kanan began playing dejarik. Especially when Zeb made for such a satisfying target. That wasn’t to say that Chopper stopped attacking Kanan altogether, but it was significantly less.

Kanan’s hand tightened on the little metal manipulator, as Chopper turned a corner sharply at Chirrut’s command. They must look like quite the party, Kanan led by Chopper while holding onto hover-crates with Chirrut pushing and directing at the back end. He had no idea what the area was like and whether they were inconspicuous or not. After being to so many worlds and seeing the things he had, it could go either way depending on what kinds of people were here.

Chopper’s manipulator tugged on his hand.

And he was transported to the side of the pyramid on Malachor, down on one knee, petrified, as he waited for Chopper in a darkness so new and complete it ripped any hope from his body. There was a cold presence that had just arrived, and Ezra was in danger. Ahsoka had still been alive and fighting perceived like a brilliant candle against the darkness of the Force. Pain pulsed through him constantly as if someone was beating a drum on his forehead and in his eye sockets. His face felt ripped apart and on fire.

There had been the sound of the Phantom, and Chopper beeping at him urgently. Kanan had forced himself to his feet, forcing himself not to pass out although the blood immediately drained from his head. “I need you to help me, Chopper.” The droid had rolled over to him and forced him to say the words that he was afraid of. This wasn’t real. “I can’t see.” And he reached out his hand, waiting.

That metal manipulator had been his lifeline.

“We need to get Ezra,” Kanan had said, and steeled himself for the coldness of the Dark Side culminating at the peak of the pyramid where Ezra was surrounded.

Something shifted in the Force and he was suddenly on edge. Chopper beeped signally that they were nearing their destination and Kanan let go and extended his cane. They were supposedly near the old temple ruins. Chirrut indicated that they would be

“Caleb?” Chirrut asked from somewhere to his left. “Something is wrong.”

Kanan knew that, and he also knew that it had something to do with Ezra. It always had something to do with Ezra. Something was going to happen today, Kanan was sure. But things were different and Kanan couldn’t go running back like he used to. “We should do this as quietly as we can.” He coughed as a signal to Rex, who came closer. Rex had been following them as they walked.

Kanan did his best to look casual when he bumped into Rex on purpose to close the space between them, and whispered, “Find Eli. Something’s wrong.”

Rex shoved him off. “Watch where you’re going!” Kanan stumbled, but sensed Rex’s understanding and presence in the Force.

Rex walked off.

Kanan clenched his fists in concentration and frustration. Now they would have to hope that they didn’t draw the attention of real stormtroopers, which Rex would have distracted and diverted. Exhaling slowly, he focused in on what he could perceive in the Force. As he extended beyond his normal awareness—which was just an awareness of intention, of changes in the Force (like Ezra being in danger), and the roughest idea of what was immediately ahead of him—his body started to feel like he had just run a marathon, and now his limbs were on the verge of shaking and giving out. That was what he had done with Maul on Malachor, using his whole body to see. But it was exhausting and temporary. But he had to be able to know what was going on. He had to. He was on his own and he had promised Hera.

Using his cane to verify what he was sensing, he helped Chirrut position the crates inside the archway in the side of the alleyway. “Where does this lead?” he asked, trying to sense further inside but failing as his Force sense fizzled out into nonexistence.

“Rubble,” Chirrut answered. “This used to be where the guardians lived for a thousand years… How did you know it lead anywhere?”

Kanan paused. This was why he shouldn’t be using the Force. Because sometimes he just wasn’t sure how much he wouldn’t be sensing without it. “I..uh… could heard the echo.”

Chirrut chuckled but didn’t say anything, and Kanan was not going to try and sense the man’s emotions. There was something about him. Not quite like Maz who used the Force both subconscious and somewhat consciously in a way that was almost Jedi-like… Chirrut was… similar. In a way.

They began to hand out relief to anyone who walked by. Kanan didn’t do much in the way of getting people’s attention but Chirrut was a natural at it. Switching effortlessly between selling when unsavory people came through, to giving out freely to those who needed it. Kanan noticed that there were a lot of orphans around here. Everywhere were the sounds of children playing and sounds of pattering footsteps. There was no laughter, though. And through the Force, Kanan felt a lot of pain. Echoes of the pain Ezra felt when he talked about his childhood or his parents. Except the pain of these orphans was much more recent and raw. Their voices were shy and timid when they asked for food and water.

“I know this city and the people,” Chirrut would say every once in awhile. “This is and always will be my home and every nook and cranny speaks to me.”

Kanan still couldn’t bring himself to smile genuinely though it felt damn good to actually be useful and doing something again. Though he was sweating from extending his senses trying to make sure Ezra was okay. But he couldn’t find him. His awareness just wasn’t that great and there was so much going on. One minute he was in a fog and blind and then the next he was hyper aware of one specific feature like a crack in the rocks or the wringing of hands.

And though there were many people who were grateful, there were many that though they could take advantage of the two blind men. Kanan had taken to keeping his face down to try and hide the fact that he was blind so that it wouldn’t raise any eyebrows when he slapped thieving hands away. Of course he had no idea if this tactic was working.

The crates were practically empty. He had been focused on a little boy and his younger brother who walked with an odd stepping pattern. Kanan had been trying to listen in and figure out what was wrong with the boy’s leg when—

“Got it!”

Kanan’s eyes were closed against the sun, which was angled now into the alleyway. He turned toward whatever was the creature that took his cane. Chirrut was laughing, he was holding his cane and had been the whole time. He wasn’t ashamed… not that Kanan was. He wasn’t! But Kanan had had enough of being this blind beggar that everyone was just gaping at or making little comments about.

“Don’t stare when someone can’t stare back,” a mother had said earlier today to her child who had apparently been staring.

Or all the people who would just grab him and yank him places.

And now his stupid blind-person-cane was in the hands of some stupid being! The sound of comlinks buzzing caught his attention as the beings started taunting him and Chirrut.

“Blind beggars giving out to the beggars,” one of the beings was growling. Non-human but humanoid by the sound of the vocal chords.

“Copy that.” Stormtroopers: by the sound of their armor clinking as they walked. “They’re calling for extra security at the prison.”

Extra security? Ezra was in trouble. Kanan turned his head involuntarily in the direction of the troopers.

“Is he deaf too?” the thugs taunted. “And why is it that when we get down here there’s nothing left of this aid?”

Hands shoved Kanan back and he lost his control in the Force, and stumbled back into a wall. His heart sped as the thick impenetrable blankness of his lack of sight hit him like Maul’s lightsaber all over again. Yet at the same time, Ezra’s angry and terrified emotions overwhelmed him.

Without even thinking, he reached out and Force-grabbed the cane from the beings. Then grabbed Chirrut’s arm as a burst of adrenaline shot through him, and ran.

And tripped.

“We were just giving a little aid to those that were devastated by the empire,” Chirrut was saying above him, stamping his cane on the ground. “We’re sorry that you didn’t get here earlier.”

“What was that!?” one of the thugs growled. “I know what that was!”

The sounds of blasters clicking into gear sounded off to Kanan’s side. “Freeze!”

“Your relief was not authorized,” a stormtrooper was saying as he stepped closer. “Where did you get the goods? Did you steal from the Empire?”

“Stand up!” another yelled. 

“What was that?” the thug repeated. “I know what that was!” More blasters clicked.

“Put your weapon down!”

They were surrounded. There were footsteps and voices everywhere. Chirrut kept stamping his cane. Kanan covered his ears as anxiety welled in his chest. There was too much! This was too much. He shouldn’t be here. He couldn’t tell where anyone was. What had he been thinking to do such a stupid move like that!

And he had no idea where to go.

The only thing he felt was Ezra’s presence like a beacon in the Force and the blankness around him. The only other Force-sensitive in Jedha. It was flowing with anger and fear. And there was nothing Kanan could do for Ezra.

There were footsteps rushing before the blasting started. Chirrut moved and there was a singing in the air as he waved his cane. A singing that was similar to the hum of the crystals… to the hum of a lightsaber but almost inaudible.

Against his will he was thrown back into Malachor with his face on fire, his hands searching on the ground guided only by the strange hum of the crystal—or had it been the feeling of his crystal calling to him in the Force. He couldn’t remember.

“Caleb!” Kanan knew it was Rex. He knew that! But the voice was the voice of a clone… and the last time he had been called Caleb by a clone was when they were trying to kill him—

Stiles’ face appeared in his mind’s eye, fuzzy and not clear, the colors muted. His visual memory was fading, he realized with a pang of terrified grief.

Suddenly Kanan could feel the intention of the stormtroopers as they engaged with Chirrut. There was a crystal in the man’s cane singing almost like a radar, letting both Kanan and Chirrut know where the troopers were. The shots as they blasted through the air. Squeezing his eyes closed and not moving from his spot, he Force-pulled the guns from the troopers’ hands as he felt their hands pressing on the triggers. How was Chirrut doing this?

“What’s going on?” the troopers were screaming.

“How is this happening?”

“I thought he was blind!”

Kanan dragged himself to his feet and ducked as the thug who had taken his cane made a lunge for him. Letting the Force guide him without thinking, like what had happened on Malachor, he grabbed the thug—definitely not human—from below and threw him into the rocks with enough force to knock him out.

And just like Maul, the thug disappeared into the darkness and was silent. Not dead, but no longer a threat with no intention to feel.

“Caleb, are you all right?” Chirrut asked.

Rex was suddenly there, hands on Kanan’s shoulders, steadying him. “Are you all right? I thought we were trying to be discreet?”

“Did anyone see?”

“Well, if they weren’t having a field day after capturing Ezra, they will be now looking for two blind men who could pull a stunt like that.”

Kanan wiped his hand over his face in frustration at himself.

“Are you a Jedi?” Kanan assumed Rex asked Chirrut.

“Keep your voice down,” Kanan hissed in warning.

“There used to be Jedi who would come to the temple when I was very young, but I am no Jedi,” Chirrut answered tactfully. “I always found it an odd oxymoron that they were keepers of peace and yet spent so many hours learning how to fight.”

Rex placed Kanan’s hand on his arm.

“Although I suppose I also spent many hours learning how to fight…” Chirrut continued.

“We need to get you a change of costume,” Rex said and began leading him around the street, or wherever they were.

Kanan stumbled slightly as he tried to regain his composure but the Force was now a waterfall of information and it moved through him like rapids in a river. Too much information. Disjointed. A detail here. A clear path. A sleeping man in an alleyway across town. Someone crying in her room. Stormtroopers running all around them. And the crystals singing and humming beneath the earth.

“Maybe it’s because they knew that by being different, they would always be hunted,” Chirrut said thoughtfully as Rex began to hand Kanan what felt like stormtrooper armor. “Being different is all someone else needs to be afraid of you. To take advantage of you.”

“Where…” Kanan choked trying to block out the Force like he had when he really was Caleb Dume running for his life from clones. “Where are we going?”

“You tell me,” Rex and Chirrut said at the same time. There was a pause.

“They have Ezra. They don’t know who he is… but Kanan. He had—” Kanan threw his hands out at Rex to shut him up before he said anything more.

“I know what he has,” Chirrut said. “And it’s not his. You could hear it in the crystal.”

Kanan clenched his fists. He should have taken the lightsaber back when he first noticed it. He couldn’t believe Ezra had taken advantage of him like that. Ezra of all people!

Kanan struggled to replace his beggar clothes with the stormtrooper armor. But each piece felt the same and he had already gotten the gauntlets confused with the shin guards. There was the unmistakable grumble of the metal menace, as he demanded to know exactly what Kanan was thinking.

“Chopper!” Kanan breathed. “Am I glad to hear you! We need you to figure out where exactly Ezra is being held.” That’s where they needed to go.

“I can distract them,” Chirrut explained. “Create a diversion to occupy their troopers and lessen the amount you have to deal with.”

Rex was trying to pull off Kanan’s clothes while trying to put on the stormtrooper armor at the same time. Kanan was growing increasingly agitated and wanted to throw all the armor at Rex in embarrassment and frustration at not being able to completely do it himself.

“We can’t ask you to do that,” Kanan said as Rex fixed his shoulder plates. “You’ve already done so much and we could take you to safety—”

“This is my city. I belong with the temple and there’s someone I’m waiting for,” Chirrut explained. “You don’t need to worry.”

“Kanan, he’s holding out his hand.”

Awkwardly, Kanan reached out and, with a little guidance from Rex, located Chirrut’s hand and clasped it.

“All you need to know about the prison is that it’s built over the old caverns similar to the nomad temple I found you at. If you get down there, they will never find you. But the only way out is to go into the dark.” Chirrut squeezed his hand. “Thank you for helping the people of Jedha. This place is a warzone. No one would help us, but you did, and that took a lot of courage.”

Kanan didn’t know what to say, but heard the memory of the ghost of the Grand Inquisitor, “You’re even afraid of your own power. You don’t even have the courage to wear your full saber out in the open.” He had been right. He was still right, and that’s how Ezra had taken his lightsaber. Even blind, Kanan was still a Jedi. What was the point of being ranked a Jedi knight if he was just going to hide it away again?

“May the Force be with you,” he said and smiled, giving Chirrut’s hand a firm shake before letting go.

“The Force is with me and it is always with you,” Chirrut said, and Kanan heard the smile in his voice. “It has been an honor to help the last Jedi on Jedha, Caleb.”

With that, the man turned and left tapping his way into the distance.

Rex clapped his shoulder. “Let’s get Ezra and get off this rock.”

Kanan was about to extend his cane but then he paused, and stuck it to his belt. “I don’t think the Empire hires blind stormtroopers, what’s your plan of having me not fall on my face?”

“Can you possibly follow behind me with your hand against my back? Do you think that will work? Chopper can follow you and watch us from behind,” Rex suggested.

Kanan was having a hard time focusing on Rex as he still considered Chirrut’s words. There was a pause where Rex waited. It hadn’t even occurred to Kanan that he was probably the last Jedi to ever set foot in the holy city. A sudden feeling of unworthiness came over him, but he pushed it back down.

“Yeah, that’ll work. Let’s go this,” Caleb, the last Jedi on Jedha, agreed.

Caleb Dume took a deep breath and pressed his hand to Rex’s back. Caleb Dume centered himself and concentrated his awareness in the Force to Ezra’s signature and his own feet.

Caleb Dume was not the galaxy-saving superhero that he was supposed to be. Caleb Dume was blind and lost. He was lucky and unlucky. He had been a drunk, and a man with no home. He was someone that watched and felt too many people die. And he was now beginning to forget what experiencing light had actually been like. Caleb Dume wasn’t even Caleb Dume anymore, not really, but he was a Jedi Knight. Not in the way Caleb Dume had envisioned, but in the way that Kanan Jarrus was.

And that had to count for something.

“The universe is far from static,” his Master, Depa Billaba, had said. “And as it changes, a Jedi’s role in it must evolve…”

I think I finally understand, Master, he thought.

“You ready?” Rex asked and Chopper bumped his shins in irritation.

“Let’s go,” he answered as he focused on Ezra in the Force, and walked carefully behind Rex through the streets of Jedha where the crystals still hummed beneath his feet. Though his voice was filled with resolve, his gut still churned with uncertainty. And the blankness was pressing all around him as he carefully measured his steps to walk behind Rex.


	8. What kind of Jedi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra accepts the Dark Side and Kanan takes a leap of faith...

 

Ezra stared at the shadowed ceiling of his cell.

It was blurry, and he blinked several times. His head was pounding and there was a ringing in his ears. More than just the constant hum of the kyber crystals in the planet.

How did he let this happen?! He banged his fists against the metal bench he was lying on. His ears were still ringing from the collapse and his head was pounding. Actually, his whole body ached. And now he was caught. Without Kanan’s lightsaber.

If Kanan was going to be mad before, he was going to be furious now. That is, if he wasn’t captured or hurt. From what Ezra could gather from the snippets of conversations he had heard while semi-conscious, they would be searching for the crates they had seen Ezra pushing.

And it would be like the first few days after Malachor all over again.

Ezra had never heard Kanan ask for help so many times before. And then… it was almost worse when he had stopped asking for help. Because then he just never said anything. And Ezra could feel Kanan’s grief. The anger. The frustration just flowing out of him. Especially because of Ezra’s talent of connecting with others, he had felt every single nightmare. Every time Kanan got lost and Ezra was near, he would feel it too. Suffer too.

Ezra was sure Kanan’s nightmares were of the moment Maul had taken his sight. But when Ezra dreamed of Malachor, it was of the moment Kanan held his hand out. The moment when Ezra first sensed the pain radiating in Kanan’s eyes. The moment when Ezra knew instinctively that Kanan was blind. That his eyes were ruined beyond repair.

And it was his all fault for not trusting Kanan when he said Maul was dangerous. Ahsoka too. Ahsoka had warned him too and he didn’t listen. Maul had split them up and Ezra had let it happen.

His fingers itched for the sith holocron. It would know what to say at this moment. It would know the answer for getting him out of this so he could protect his friends. A thought occurred to him suddenly and he quickly moved to the door of his cell. It wasn’t like the cells on the Star Destroyers. This had been part of the old city and had been turned into a makeshift prison. His door was bars rather than sealed and airtight.

Really. This was a prison that was almost like it had been made to be escaped from.

He looked around at the troopers patrolling the hallway. The movement caused his head to ache.

“You! Stay to the back of your cell,” the guard growled at him.

“I don’t have to stay at the back of my cell,” Ezra quickly responded, extending his influence in the Force toward the trooper. He felt the compliance almost instantaneously. His head was pounding suddenly and lights flashed in his eyes.

“You don't have to stay at the back of your cell,” the trooper amended.

Ezra’s eyes fell on the blaster at the trooper’s side. He lifted his hand and felt through the Force the mechanisms and machinery clicking as it willed it so, calling upon his anger to fuel the machine. To bend it to his will, and as he thought it, the trooper lifted the weapon.

“Hey! What are you doing?” another guard asked, seeing the raised weapon aim away from Ezra.

“Bang,” Ezra whispered.

The blaster went off. Firing wildly and “coincidentally” unlocking several of the cells including Ezra’s. The other troopers raised their own weapons in confusion. But Ezra was faster. He Force-pushed them out of the way toward where Kanan’s lightsaber hummed on a table at the end of the hallway.

Troopers began pouring in.

Probably not his best plan.

And his body began to vibrate with exhaustion and pain from when the tunnel had collapsed on top of him.

But he wasn’t done yet.

Anger gave him purpose. He wasn’t going to let Kanan down. The lightsaber flew into his hand and he instantly began blocking blaster bolts. Force-jumping over a few of the guards, he swung the blade—

Ezra paused and swayed as movement caused his head to feel like it was being split open with a hammer.

The sensation of Kanan’s presence and history with the saber overwhelmed him suddenly. There was a split second of blinding light not just from the blade, but also from the crystal, and it resonated in the Force, cutting him off from the moment. Images flashed so fast in his mind, he barely had time to register what they were: a temple? Kaller? Clones? A sense of terror and of desperation like he had never known filled him. The crystal was haunted by Kanan’s past—It was like the lightsaber he had held on Malachor, which had felt haunted by the flash of hot death that had ended whatever war had taken place there.

He ducked away from the stormtrooper and the blaster fire.

Okay, he thought, swallowing his pride, anger—and the vomit that suddenly came with a wave of nausea. He’ll do this Kanan’s way. This was Kanan’s lightsaber after all. Meticulously, he knocked all of the troopers unconscious… well, most of them were unconscious only. Some were a little more hurt.

Whatever. A little holocron teaching here and there wasn’t going to do any harm.  

With the hallway quiet, Ezra took a minute to gather what the troopers had taken from him while he was unconscious. Blaster. Check. Comlink. Check. Kanan’s lightsaber. Definitely check. Okay, now how to get out of here. He blinked a few times. Those crystals were a constant ring in his head; connecting him, unwillingly, to the planet.

He put his hands over his ears because the crystals seemed to be getting louder and louder. Maybe he had a concussion? The room blurred a little worse than it already was, and nausea came over him as it spun slightly. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, when he became aware of the high pitched whistle that usually was the Force trying to tell himself something.

“Okay,” he said slowly, taking deep full breaths. “What do I do?”

The humming of the crystals intensified beneath his feet: down. He needed to go down… under the prison? Ezra groaned. This day was not going how he had planned.

He came to the end of the corridor and felt for the Force to guide him. Taking a few steps in one directions, the hum intensified, and that was how he was going to know he was going the right way. His headache also intensified.

The lights of the corridor flashed too bright in front of him, making his head hurt even worse.

“Hey!”

Oh perfect.

Ezra was not in the mood for this. His nausea came again in full swing as he ran at the troopers shrieking like some crazed animal and waving Kanan’s lightsaber in a way that was both manic and also doing the job of blocking blasters. Anger and frustration welled in him as he began to see double. Reaching into the Force, he slammed the troopers into the walls and stumbled over them as if he was drunk. More rounded the corner.

“I thought he was a Jedi…” a trooper was saying.

“There are no Jedi!” the other trooper explained, and stopped dead as he caught sight of Ezra. “It’s just some crazy kid who got ahold of an artifact.”

They stared at one another and the troopers took in the sight of Ezra swaying over the unconscious and mildly hurt bodies of the other troopers. Ezra was panting, sweating, and holding his eyes wide to try and get them to focus.

The first trooper raised his blaster. “I thought we were the backup? What happens now?”

The second trooper raised his own blaster. “You’re new so I’ll show you.”

Ezra tossed Kanan’s saber between his hands then raised it high in feverish head-pounding rage. He was definitely going to throw up—then he did.

“Oh!” the first trooper gasped and was shushed by the second.

“Don’t resist!” commanded the second.

“Please,” amended the first.

Ezra wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. That trooper he was standing over was not going to be happy when regained consciousness. Chirrut’s stew had not had the most appetizing color when he ate it, and now that it had been partially digested…

“You will turn toward one another and stun,” Ezra babbled with as much conviction as he could muster. He waved his hand at the troopers… and in head-throbbing delusion began to wiggle his fingers and giggle.

And that giggle turned into laughter. The Cold, which had haunted him since Malachor, seemed stronger now than it had ever been. He had been cursed with it ever since he had failed. But he would use it for good. He had too.

He caught himself. This was worse than when he accidentally drugged himself on the way here. Was he drunk on the Force? The crystals were so loud and it sounded kind of like they were calling to him.

_Ezra… Ezra… Ezra…_

“Not going to happen, kid,” the second trooper said.

Ezra blinked at the four troopers in front of him and shrugged. Today was not his day. He shrieked, catching the troopers off guard, and Force-shoved them into the wall with such force that they instantly fell conscious. Thank the Force.

Ezra attached Kanan’s lightsaber to his belt and shielded his eyes from the light as he held back another wave of nausea. He needed to lie down so badly. Every movement seemed to make him several times worse off than he was.

But he did finally make it to the back of the prison, locating a small closet, and Force-opening a crack in the earth. The lights were creating little orbs in his vision as he stared into the thick darkness below. In the Force, he was aware of the troopers regaining consciousness. He closed the door to the closet and sighed. Kanan would tell him not to go down there. The holocron would probably tell him that this was the only way.

He slid himself into the crack and into the darkness.

At least his head hurt less in here, but the ringing in his ears had grown to a point where it blocked out all over sound. Hands outstretched, he kept a palm to the side of the cave following the sound of the crystals as it increased even further. He could not hear his own footsteps and he dared not speak for fear of alerting the troopers. He gave everything to the Force, to the Dark Side and the Light, to whatever would guide him.

Even though he couldn’t see and couldn’t hear, he was aware of the world spinning. Vertigo made him wobble as he walked, hand pressed against the wall. Time stopped existing as he walked, with no sounds to judge, no sights to see how far he was going. A turn here. Jamming his toes there. The crystals were everywhere. His heart sped as he realized that he had no idea what was about to happen.

He just kept on walking in the dark, refusing to yell for help.

Tears formed in his eyes. Thoughts he didn’t want to think about entered his brain. Kanan was blind. Kanan was in the dark. Kanan can’t see. You let Maul hurt your friends. You weren’t strong enough. You failed them. Ahsoka is dead. You let Ahsoka die.

“No!” he shouted and then clasped his hands to his throat. He couldn't hear himself! He couldn’t hear himself! Panic bubbled in his chest. The crystals were wailing all around him. Whispers and chants with voices that made no sound in the physical world. Ezra connected with all of them. They were screaming. Something was harvesting them. The Empire.

“Then you will die braver than most,” Darth Vader said in his memory in his cold mechanical voice as he towered over Ezra at the temple on Malachor.

“No!” he shouted again and again he could not hear himself. He turned sharply and lost his contact on the wall. Vertigo swept over him and he tripped, stumbling into the further into dark. Panic shot through his body. Where was he going? How was he going to find Kanan? Kanan, who was blind. Ezra had let Maul blind Kanan. Kanan, who was always stumbling in the dark now because of him.

Ezra’s head pounded and he threw up again as he stumbled over a rock. He fell hard on his knees, wiping his mouth. Tears burned his eyes, and he crawled forward using his hand to clear his path ahead of him.

What had Darth Vader said to Ahsoka to make her hesitate? She had been about to leave, Ezra had been sure, when he said something to her. He had been helping Kanan onto the ship instead of helping her—Ezra would never be able to forget the feeling of Kanan’s body shuddering with pain and terror as Ezra helped him to the holocron and then back to the Phantom.

Ezra continued to crawl in the dark of the tunnel, one hand lifting into the air above him to check for obstacles.

An image of Kanan’s hand stretched out to him at the temple appeared in his mind. Ezra had felt it almost instantly as he stared at that hand: the burning slash across Kanan’s face. They both had known it in that moment. They both had known Kanan was blind, and was going to be blind. And that it had been Ezra’s fault for trusting Maul.

The tears were hot on his cheeks. He didn’t know when he had started crying. He couldn’t hear himself and his head felt like someone was drilling a knife through it. There was no direction. The crystals were just all around him and he couldn’t see. They had led him here wherever here was and it was nowhere.

Kanan blamed him. Ezra knew. That was why Kanan had been so distant since Malachor. Ezra wanted to be stronger for Kanan, but he wasn’t there yet. He wanted to be stronger for all of his friends, his family, to protect them—

He remembered Kanan’s lightsaber at his belt.

Adjusting into a sitting position, he wiped the tears from his face and ignited the blue blade. Why hadn’t he thought to turn it on sooner? Everything still felt as though he was in a painful, throbbing fog, but his eyes drank in the sight of the glowing blue even as they winced in discomfort. His whole body seemed to relax with the light. Then he felt incredibly guilty, because Kanan couldn’t turn the lights on. But he realized something.

“I’m not afraid of the dark,” he said suddenly to no one in particular as if it was important. As if the crystals needed to hear it. He wasn’t. He was afraid of not protecting his friends. But he wasn’t afraid of the dark… “And I’m not afraid of being lost. I’ve always been lost.” Even though he couldn’t hear himself, just saying the words made him feel stronger. Not with anger, but with confidence.  He would do what he had to. Kanan and everyone needed him. He was not going to just give up here. Ahsoka wouldn’t want that. “And I’m not afraid of the Dark Side.”

There. He said it.

“And I’m not afraid of using it to protect my friends. Even if I have to protect them from me too.” And as he said the words, he knew they were true. He couldn’t keep trying to pretend Kanan was going to help him like he once could. It was up to him to take over now. Ezra had to be the strong one no matter what. "That's the kind of Jedi I have to be. Or not a Jedi at all."

Something caught his eye suddenly.

It shimmered and the sound—a high-pitched whistle—resonated with the hum of Kanan’s crystal. It was the sound that Ezra always heard when the Force called to him. That voice was here.

The other crystals thrummed in his head and continued to block out all sound. As he forced himself to his feet, he realized he was shaking. Badly. There was no food in his system and no water too at this point. Everything was hurting and his vision was still really blurry. Each step in the direction of the shimmer felt like a lifetime and every muscle in his body protested. The adrenaline and survival instincts drained from him, leaving him painfully aware of every bruise and hurt from the cave in.

Like the fact that his ankle was in pain and he was limping.

But eventually he came to his knees before the shimmer, the songs of the crystals making his ears feel like they were bleeding. With shaking fingers, he lifted his hand toward the shimmer and reached out into the Force with a question: will you be my crystal?

The sound of the crystals made his bones vibrate with their intensity.

But then there was a small light whistle above all the other noise. The hum of the crystals ceased. And the little shimmer in the wall worked its way through the crack and floated into Ezra’s waiting hand.

It was warm and bright against his skin.

His crystal.

Ezra hugged it to his chest and curled up on the ground. The last of his strength left him. Suddenly…

He was just so tired.

000

Kanan was incredibly jealous of Chirrut. While they had been handing out food, box water and medical supplies earlier, Kanan had asked him how he moved so effortlessly. Chirrut had explained that he had something called an Echo Box, which vibrated different sensory information around him, as well as using the crystal in his staff.

He had also slyly mentioned that Kanan didn’t have use for such a box… to which Kanan now realized Chirrut expected him to just Force his way through the world. Well, the Force wasn’t always with Kanan. Never had been and probably never would, based on his history with it.

And it sounded like the Echo Box could have really helped in this situation now, where he couldn’t overtly use his cane—which he didn’t want to use anyway but, as loath as he was to admit it, he was getting used to it. He was getting used to not seeing.

Sort of.

There was suddenly a rush of people around them. He stumbled slightly on a small stone and his hand lost contact with Rex’s back. Heart speeding, he walked two quick steps, and bumped into Rex. When had he started trembling? Rex’s hands were heavy on his shoulders.

“We’ve made it this far and we’re at the prison gates,” Rex was saying. “There seems to be some kind of frenzy going on which probably means Ezra has done something reckless. We’ve got to remain calm so we don’t draw any attention.”

“Do you think it would be conspicuous if I held Chopper’s manipulator?” Kanan asked half-jokingly. Even his voice was shaking. There was the sound of bells, drums, and of raised voices in the air.

“Some of the people seem to have heard about the upheaval and are making a big show of it outside the prison,” Rex continued. “Chopper will be right behind you… right, Chopper?”

The droid gave a resigned groan.

“Okay,” Kanan said, trying to calm himself. “Okay.” He placed his hand on Rex’s back once more and forced the other hand to stay down by his side.

It took all his concentration to focus on the area around his feet in the Force. It wasn’t perfect and it wasn’t really helping to prevent him from stumbling over rocks or other obstacles, since as he noticed them in the Force, he also noticed them by jamming his toes. The area became more and more congested, and soon Kanan was being nudged or bumped on either side. He began gripping Rex’s back.

Rex was doing a good job of shouting and scaring people off, but people were taking note of the quieter “trooper” behind him. Even the guards at the prison had taken noticed.

“Trooper, what’s going on? We didn’t call for reinforcements,” the guard shouted at them over the crowd and Rex stopped short, causing Kanan to jolt forward into his shoulder.

“Sir, we need to get the medical center,” Rex said suddenly and nudged Kanan again. Kanan wanted to stamp on his foot. That was the only thing in the Force he was able to sense clearly.

“There was a skirmish out in the streets,” Rex continued.  “I’m sure you heard about it but our coms have been damaged.”

“You don’t look injured.”

Kanan gritted his teeth. He knew what Rex was doing and so he groped the man’s shoulder. “Sir, there’s something wrong with my eyes! Something happened and I can’t see!”

The trooper ahead of him suddenly grabbed him away from Rex. Kanan stumbled into the doorway. The air changed and the heat of the sun disappeared. He refused to fall but he couldn’t stop his hands from coming up to protect his face.

What was worse, Kanan wasn’t exactly sure of his location in order to influence him with the Force. That was… problematic.

“We heard that some blind monks attacked our units,” the trooper growled and Kanan heard him raise his blaster.

“They infected me!” Kanan started babbling letting his actual nerves show through, and half wished his hair was short and that he didn’t have a beard just so he could throw off his helmet. “They must have with their Force magic! One knocked me in the head with his staff and everything went dark! You have to help me!”

Chopper gave an amused chortle, which was silenced by the sound of a boot coming in contact with his metal body.

Rex came and grabbed Kanan’s shoulder supportively. “Where is the med wing? We usually are stationed for guard duty at the north gate of the city, but they were short units in the market today.”

The guard didn’t say anything for a long moment.

Kanan’s heart pounded against the thin stormtrooper breastplate.

“I did hear that there was some problems in the market today and lots of coms went dead… What’s your operating number?” He was speaking slowly and took a few steps toward Kanan. Kanan reached out blindly and verified the guard’s location when he suddenly bumped Kanan’s hand.

“You don’t need to know our operating numbers.” Kanan focused and waved his hand to influence the guard. “Move along to the medical center.”

“I don’t need your operating number,” the guard droned back. “Move along to the medical center.”

“Oh thank you so much!” Kanan still had it after all. He reached out to Rex and took his arm above the elbow. “You lead the way.”

Chopper beeped bitterly in binary something quite offensive and ripping about how Kanan never let him guide anymore.

“Whoa, take the attitude down a notch, Chopper, and it’s not just you. I don’t want anyone to guide me, really,” Kanan said, and felt Rex’s arm shift as they walked. “You have to plug yourself into a computer and figure out the schematics and map of this place.”

Chopper groaned and zipped ahead of them bumping Kanan’s shins spitefully. So rude.

While Chopper plugged in, Kanan reached out to look for Ezra. He was aware of the crystals beneath the prison humming. It was a little more concentrated here than it was elsewhere in the city. In volume and intensity, it was more like it had been when Kanan was at the old temple. There! Ezra, like a beacon in the Force, was below them. So somehow he had already gotten into the tunnels, which, Kanan could vaguely sense in disjointed snapshots, were like a maze beneath them.

“He’s already in the tunnels under the prison,” Kanan announced to the other two.

Chopper beeped that Ezra had definitely escaped and several troopers had reported serious injuries. Also that he seemed delirious. There was a whirring sound of Chopper communicating with the computer further. Chopper continued to indicate that Ezra seemed to have sustained a head injury from the cave-in and had been unconscious when he was brought in.

“Sounds like the troopers decided he was not actually a Jedi,” Rex translated. “Based off his actions when he escaped, they think he was just some crazy kid terrorist. That’s good for us. It means the troopers here won’t alert the greater Empire.”

“For now, but it doesn’t sound or feel like Ezra was exactly concealing anything either,” Kanan said and sighed. “Do we have any idea how to get down there?”

Chopper beeped negative. Ezra’s current location is unknown.

“That’s a relief,” Rex said, and Kanan felt and heard him scratch his beard. “Okay, I guess let’s start on the level where he was detained and work from there. Maybe you can sense his location, Kanan?”

“I can, but not how he got there.” Kanan pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling useless. “And I can’t exactly help look for places either. But from what I know about the tunnels is their entry points appear to be like cracks in the walls and hidden in like crooks and corners of places.” At least that’s what they had felt like when he passed through them, always ducking and turning his body to fit through them.

They began walking down the corridors and took a lift down to where Ezra was detained, which was on the bottom floor of the prison. Most likely, he had also found an entry point down there. The computer indicated that the bottom levels were not well mapped out and not renovated like the upper floors were. The Empire didn’t see the need to update cells for prisoners’ convenience.

The sound of the crystals in the Force was particularly intoxicating down here like it had been at the temple. Kanan actively blocked it out. He had a lot of practice with blocking the Force after all those years hiding who he was. Of course, by doing so, he also blocked some of the awareness that he was beginning to gain through the Force as well, and became more reliant on Rex’s guidance.

Double-edged sword, he thought in frustration as he tried to make a decision on whether he should be blocking the Force or using it to help search for Ezra. That’s how it always was with the Force. Finicky and untrustworthy.

“Hey, we didn’t hear of more reinforcements,” a trooper asked from somewhere to their left.

Rex chuckled putting everyone at ease as he was always able to do. “The coms are down again. Pesky things. Trouble with them all day. We’re not here as reinforcements. We’re here to search the area for the escapee. Higher ups don’t like that a possible Jedi got away—”

“He was not a Jedi! We already confirmed that!” The trooper was defensive and Kanan could sense his desire to have this whole day behind him. “Just some crazed kid.”

You know, Kanan thought, thank the universe for people who just want problems swept under the rug. People who just want to go to work and come home. He could sense that however Ezra had escaped had been a mixture of delusion and some Force abilities, but this man had set it in his mind that Ezra had just been crazy and he didn’t know what he had seen.

“Either way,” Rex continued. “We’re here to search for him. We don’t need your permission or assistance. Just precautionary, since it was a potential high priority prisoner.”

“Protocol,” the trooper mumbled then shook himself.

Kanan sensed that the trooper was in pain. The Force suddenly burst into clarity: the trooper’s arm was injured. He wanted to go to the cantina and drink this day away. Then the Force cut out again and gave way to the volume of crystals humming. It made it hard to focus.

“You better maintain your post,” Rex ordered suddenly and the trooper straightened. “Don’t want anyone else hearing you speak like that.”

“Yes, sir! Apologies, sir!”

Rex walked off and Kanan got the sense that the trooper was staring at them. Probably because Kanan was holding on to Rex. He dropped his hand and walked very, very carefully behind him. Chopper made a noise that was almost but not quite concerned. The sense of the trooper’s gaze disappeared.

“You okay?” Rex asked. “There are a few more guards around.”

“Holding your arm made the other trooper stare,” Kanan said. “I could feel it. Just… just walk slow and stand real close to me. Let me know if there are things to trip on or we are turning.” Rex adjusted his position so that his arm bumped Kanan’s as they walked together.

Chopper had decided it was his duty to let Kanan know when they were turning, which ended up being the right decision because most of the troopers didn’t even know binary here. They walked further into the less mapped areas of the floor. The air grew chilly and compressed as it often did in deep places beneath the surface.

They gathered which direction Ezra had ran from the other guards who were more than happy to help someone else search for the prisoner. Most of them here just wanted to get this day over with. The Empire, though strict in its protocols, couldn’t prevent or stop laziness and low morale among the workers. Prison guards on Jedha were apparently the lowest of the stormtrooper hierarchy. The only position that was lower was sanitation on the prison lower levels. No wonder Ezra didn’t have trouble escaping with not much of a chase.

Kanan’s feet were aching as they turned down yet another side corridor that branched off from where Ezra was last seen. He was losing his grip on the Force and his shoulder bit into the wall.

“This is taking forever!” Rex moaned. “You okay?”

“Yeah…” Kanan rubbed his shoulder, and tilted his head listening. There was a slight breeze. “There’s airflow here,” he said.

“Yeah?” Rex asked. “Thanks for filling us in.”

“It means,” Kanan said through gritted teeth. “It means that this corridor leads somewhere with more space.”

“Sorry,” Rex mumbled. “Do you want to take my arm again? There’s no one around.”

Rex’s hand brushed Kanan’s and, grudgingly, Kanan took the offered help. They walked farther down the hallway. The sound of the crystals intensified and Kanan knew they were heading in the right direction. Finally. Because he was also getting the feeling that Ezra was in some serious trouble. His presence hadn’t moved in some time.

“There’s an old stone storeroom,” Rex said and came to a stop. “It looks like it’s been moved but it also looks really heavy. No way Ezra could have moved it by himself.”

“Unless he used the Force,” Kanan corrected and sighed. Which of course, Kanan knew, Ezra had.

“Can you use the Force?” Rex asked as he tried to shift the stone.

Kanan dropped his hand from Rex’s arm and reached out to the stone door, feeling it to get an idea of his dimensions. “Probably. Keep pushing and I’ll lift.”

Having some kind of physical concrete idea of the stone door helped him focus and bring it to clarity in the Force. It was better than trying to sense it without feeling it. Like replacing his eyes with his hands to extend his Force connection and awareness. He lifted the stone telekinetically back just enough for them to slip through.

Wind brushed their bodies as they clambered inside.

“Oh here we go!” Rex said triumphant.

“What is it?”

“A crack large enough to squeeze through. But it looks dark. Real dark. Good thing Chopper has that dinky little light or else we’d all be blind,” Rex said.

“Oh no!” Kanan’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Not all of us! What a nightmare.”

“You know,” Rex said thoughtfully with a good-natured chuckle. “I think that’s the first blind joke you’ve made. Not a good one and still fresh with self-deprecation. But it's a start!”

“I hate you sometimes,” Kanan said and pulled out his cane but didn’t let go of Rex’s elbow. If it was that dark, he wasn’t going to be lead around by someone who had no idea how to maneuver in the dark without some protection.

“Still an improvement to you hating me all the time.” Rex chuckled and Chopper let out an agreeing chortle.

“Let’s just go.” Kanan nudged Rex forward, not amused.

The air grew colder as they descended and the crystals louder.

000

Even with Chopper’s headlight, it was still almost too dark to see. They had been walking for a few minutes without speaking. It was risky, Rex knew, to be heading in an unmapped direction but Chopper had rudely assured him that he was mapping out their path. So at least they could always turn back.

Rex had taken off his helmet—damn thing was too constricting. Kanan had kept his on though Rex supposed it wouldn’t make much difference whether he took it off or not. Kanan’s grip on his arm was extra tight and he was probing with his cane in a more exploratory way than Rex had seen him use before. As if he was checking both where Rex was stepping and where his own feet were supposed to go…

“Do you not trust me, Kanan?” Rex joked but Kanan didn’t respond. He nudged him. “Hey, that helmet blocking your ears?”

He expected Kanan to make some quick remark but instead he jolted as if he was startled.

“Kanan?” He stopped and looked at his friend. He didn't respond.

Chopper stopped and turned to face Kanan. He didn’t chortle or beep anything rude, just assessed him. Scanned him to see if there was overtly anything wrong. No one said anything, but Chopper’s behavior toward Kanan had changed since Malachor. Though Kanan wasn’t completely free from the trash can’s attacks, they had significantly decreased and only happened when Kanan was more or less acting like Kanan. Rex knew that the fact Kanan couldn’t play dejarik anymore had really affected the droid. Hera had told him one night in the first month when she needed a place to escape. They had shared a drink and mourned Ahsoka.

“Kanan?” Rex raised his voice and Kanan shook his head. Rex pulled his arm from Kanan and took the man’s helmet off. Kanan started again. “Are you all right? What’s going on?”

Kanan blinked a few times. “I…uh…am having trouble hearing. The crystals. The crystals are so loud.” His voice was too quiet and he moved his face back and forth as if trying to locate something either by sound or by sight.

Rex put his hand on Kanan’s shoulder. “What crystals?”

“The kyber crystals.” Kanan opened his eyes wide and seemed to look all around him. “Ezra is close.”

Kanan stepped forward sweeping his cane ahead of him. Then he began to walk quicker. “Ezra!” he started calling into the darkness.

So stealth was no longer a priority, Rex thought and caught up to Kanan. Kanan lifted his cane from the ground in an attempt to jog-walk, one hand out in front of him. There was a tingling in the air but Rex thought that was probably dust or some sort of particle from the tunnel. Chopper scooted up beside Kanan protectively.

Rex stayed behind as far as he dared from Chopper’s light in order to cover their backs. Kanan called for Ezra again and again and started to practically run through the tunnel, turning here and following some path obviously indicated to him through the Force. Rex couldn't help but feel a sense of awe when Kanan broke out into a full run.

“Something’s wrong! Ah! It’s so loud!” Then as suddenly as Kanan had started running, he came to a dead stop. “It stopped.” Kanan began reaching out. “Where is he? Ezra? Ezra!”

Chopper beeped frantically, light shining and searching—there! On the floor was Ezra! Rex ran over and checked the kid’s pulse. Alive. He exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding.

“Ezra?” Kanan took a few steps and stumbled when a minute ago he was running. His cane dropped to the floor. “Where is he? I can sense him. Is he okay?”

“He’s here,” Rex said. “He’s hurt but he’ll live. Come here.” He bit his lip, stood and took Kanan’s hand guiding him to Ezra.

“This is my fault,” Kanan said and took a few ragged breaths. “I knew he had taken my lightsaber and I didn’t say anything.” His hand gripped Ezra’s shoulder. “I can’t protect him like this.”

Rex clapped him on the shoulder. “We need to get out of here.”

Kanan’s hands were checking Ezra over, found his lightsaber, and clipped it back on his waist. “What’s wrong with him?”

“It looks like he has a head injury. Some bumps and bruises. We need to get to Hera.”

“How are we supposed to find a way out?” Kanan asked, hopeless.

Rex didn’t know any Jedi who gave up. Certainty not any that he let lead him anywhere. “As I see it, Kanan, we have two options: we can go back the way we came, fight our way through the prison and out of Jedha city. Or, you can stand up, reach into the Force and help us find a way out. The Jedi I served under could—”

“I’m not that Jedi,” Kanan snapped turning mostly in Rex’s direction. “I may be a Jedi but what kind of Jedi? I can’t protect you all like I once could.”

Rex squatted down—something his limbs and joints didn't like doing but this was important. “You’re right. You’re not that Jedi. That Jedi is gone. Both my Jedi commanders are gone. You’re not. You made it back. That’s got to mean something and you’ve got to believe that. Why else would the Force have knighted you?” Rex wasn’t a Jedi, but he had gotten to know a lot of them back in the day. “Maybe it wasn’t because you could defeat an enemy, but because you could survive an enemy, and survive the aftermath. Sometimes… sometimes living with the consequences takes more courage than facing a one-time enemy and dying ever could.” Rex knew all about that, though he didn’t believe for a second that any of his friends who had fallen in battle were any less brave than he was.

Kanan didn’t move for a minute. He didn’t breathe. He was frozen.

“Okay,” the Jedi finally said and stood up. He ignited his lightsaber. “I think, from what I’ve guessed, that you could use a little more light.” Rex clapped him on the shoulder and retrieved Kanan’s cane.

“I am going to have to carry Ezra. Do you want Chopper to lead you?”

“No that’s okay.”

Chopper grunted and groaned something completely and utterly offensive and nearly ran Kanan over in frustration.

“You know what,” Kanan amended. “Chop, you can guide me. Sure.”

Rex carefully gathered Ezra up when the boy groaned.

“Rex?” Ezra asked. “My head hurts.”

“Hey, kid. Don’t worry. We got you. Me, Kanan and Chopper. We’re getting off this rock. You caused quite the scene.” Rex chuckled because that’s what he does. He calms the situation and leads like the captain he was born to be.

“Kanan,” Ezra mumbled. Rex saw Kanan’s hands clench into fists and his body angle toward the kid. “Kanan, the kyber crystal called to me.”

“I know.” Kanan’s voice was very soft.

“Look.” Ezra held up a small crystal. “It called me. It’s mine… mine…” He gripped the crystal again and slumped against Rex’s chest.

“What is it?” Kanan asked. “Was it a crystal?”

“Yes,” Rex said and they began walking in the tunnel. “You lead the way, Kanan.”

Kanan nodded, clipped his cane to his waist, and took Chopper’s manipulator. He held his lightsaber high as a guiding light and began leading them toward whatever the Force was telling him.

“What are you sensing?” Rex asked.

“Life forms. There are people in the tunnels. Let’s hope they’re friendly because that’s our only hope.”

Rex nodded solemnly and followed, as Chopper lead Kanan who directed the way vaguely in what Rex thought was random directions. As they walked, Rex kept thinking he was seeing phantom lights in the dark. There was something almost high-pitched resounding in the still air. It seemed to vibrate against his skin. Ezra shifted in his arms.

“This is going to sound strange,” Rex said, not really understanding why he was saying what he was about to say. “But I think we need the darkness. Chopper shut off your light.”

Chopper shut off his light and Kanan was about to deactivate his lightsaber when Rex told him not to. His eyes widened. There were thousands of them. Crystals. They glowed and reflected the light of the lightsaber. The whole tunnel ignited.

“Wow.” Rex’s mouth was open.

“Beautiful,” Ezra whispered.

“What is it?” Kanan asked. “Is something wrong? Your breathing has changed.”

“There are crystals everywhere, Kanan. They’re reflecting your lightsaber. It’s beautiful.” Rex looked at his friend, and really felt the impact of Kanan’s blindness. He let it sink in for a moment. The loss of this way to connect with the world: the sight of the mysteries of the universe. The sight of people he loved. Moving freely without concentration. Favorite pastimes that required vision lost. It wasn’t that Rex felt sorry for Kanan. He just took it what it meant to have had sight all your life and then lose it. Then he accepted it because he’s Rex, and he had seen his fair share of injured warriors with their own unique circumstances and implications. It may feel like the end of the world, but it wasn’t. Life went on. It always did.

Kanan offered a ghost of a smile. “I can imagine. In the Force, they sound beautiful too.”

Rex smiled. “I can only imagine.”

They stood for a moment taking in the beauty of the cave. Ezra who could see and hear the crystals was mesmerized by it all. But it was peaceful, the three of them standing. Ezra’s eyes were wide and transfixed—pupils a little too dilated. Concussion for sure, Rex thought. He followed Ezra’s line of sight and realized he was watching Kanan. He looked back at Ezra and his eyes were glassy with unshed tears. He didn’t say anything. It wasn’t his place.

“Hello?” a woman’s voice called and then appeared around the corner with a small group of nomads. They immediately raised their weapons at them seeing their armor.

“Wait no! We’re not troopers!” Rex called. “We need help!”

“Caleb?” the woman asked, coming closer. “Is that a lightsaber?”

“Kala?” Kanan turned his head toward the woman.

Rex looked from one to the other. “Want to fill me in?”

“So you found your way out of the temple after all,” the woman said. “Did the guardian help you? Or did the temple speak to you? Did it give that lightsaber?” Her voice was thick with hope.

“I met her in the market. She’s the reason you lost me,” Kanan answered and pursed his lips. “My friend is hurt and we need to leave the city. Please help us.”

She stared at them for a long moment. The blue hue of the tunnel turned her freckles into a deep navy color. “Okay,” she said, finally pushing aside her awe. “Our meeting must have been destined by the Force. Follow me. We will go the Old Path out of the city. But you must close your eyes. None but my people must see it.”

“No problem,” Kanan answered without emotion, closed his eyes, and deactivated his lightsaber.

Chopper had a problem with it. But Rex and, well, Ezra to be fair wasn’t quite in the clearest state of mind, accepted the blindfolds. Rex was only sad that he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the beauty of the tunnel as they walked quickly through it. Ezra was laid in a wheelbarrow carrying scented blankets and cushions. Chopper was attached to the wheelbarrow. Rex took Kanan’s arm while he supposed Kanan held on to someone else or something.

“The Empire is looking for you,” Kala was saying nearby. “We will take you the secret way to the west of the city. From there head quickly away because they will be making their evening sweeps of the surrounding area soon. Best to travel by night if you want our recommendation.”

The walk felt like a lifetime under the blindfold and Rex felt like he was being dragged along. The people spoke a rhythmic language that was just musical enough to sound like a lullaby to his ears. If he wasn’t practically running—at least it felt like it—he would have fallen asleep. He was completely disoriented. Turning one way and they another, up a few steps then down a shaft. He had no idea what direction they were facing and Rex always knew what direction he was heading in—

They stopped and the blindfold was pulled from his head and they stood in the blinding light of dusk.

“Thank you, Kala,” Kanan said, reaching out a hand to which the girl shook warmly.

“Thank you, Caleb. For bringing light to the tunnels of Jedha one last time.” Kala bowed and the rest of her group bowed with her.

“They, uh, bowed,” Rex spoke up since Kanan was just standing there. Kanan started slightly, cheeks heated, and bowed back—very Jedi-like. Rex smiled, remembering how the Jedi were so uptight with how they bowed. Skywalker had been indignant whenever Kenobi made a comment about his poor posture when he bowed. Kanan’s form would have been Kenobi-approved.

“Goodbye, Caleb,” Kala said and the rest of the group said their goodbyes as well in their native language.

“Now,” Rex said. “Chopper, I think it time we got a pickup. Contact Hera.”

The droid’s antenna started whirring and it was not two minutes when Chopper buzzed that he received a signal.

Thrusters sounded on the horizon. It wasn’t the Ghost, but there was no doubt that Hera was flying that ship as she expertly dodged TIE fighters. Rex and Ezra took in the sight of her twirls and readied themselves. Ezra was leaning heavily on Rex’s arm. Kanan was still beside them, head tilted, listening.

The ramp lowered and Rex looked between Kanan and Ezra. Chopper used his thrusters to fly himself onto the ramp. Okay then. Way to help, Chopper, Rex thought. He rolled his shoulders back, propped Ezra up with one arm, and turned to Kanan.

“We’re jumping aboard.”

“I-okay!”

“Okay! You can do this!” Rex grabbed Kanan’s arm. “Get ready and jump forward when I say.” Kanan was trembling. The TIE fighters were diving with Hera. “Ready!” Bolts of energy scorched the earth around them and Kanan gripped Rex with both hands.

“Now?”

The ramp got closer.

“Now?” Kanan’s voice trembled. His body stiffened in anticipation.

The ramp was meters ahead.

“Now! Use the Force and push us all up as hard as you can. It’s two meters forward and two meters up!” Rex pushed off from the ground, eyes trained on the ramp. They weren’t going to make it—

There was a burst—one that he had felt countless times back in the Clone Wars with Anakin and Ahsoka—and it pushed them up higher. Just enough to be over the ramp and tumble on it. Zeb grabbed all three of them and three them in the hull.

Rex was laughing and clapped Kanan on the shoulder. “Like a true Jedi!”

Kanan smiled and began laughing, albeit a tad hysterically, but he was laughing nonetheless. Rex clapped Kanan on the shoulder while Zeb lifted Ezra and took him to the lounge to look over him and tend to the injuries he could. Ezra was waving the kyber crystal in the air.

“I’m going to protect you,” Ezra was saying feverishly as he was carried out. “I found a crystal when I was telling the truth… I promise…”

“When we get to Takodana to pick up the Ghost, drinks are on me,” Rex announced and he noticed that Kanan did not take apart his lightsaber but kept it at his waist.

 

A true Jedi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life got really crazy and I have been wicked tired to do anything...sorry for the late update! I will have chapter 9 out in the next two days I hope. Better yet maybe tomorrow fingers crossed!


	9. Introspection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life on Atollon...

Something was happening.

There were clues, of course, that there was something happening. The crew was all inside the Ghost rather than outside of it. Chopper was being noisier and seemed to be on the prowl to attack anyone who crossed his path—he had been waiting for Kanan as if hunting, determined to get underfoot. He succeeded and Kanan let loose a slew of curses at the little trashcan. Hera was in her own cabin going over some plan or another—her door was open and she told him to clean out his mouth after he cursed at Chopper. Sabine was painting in her room—Kanan could hear the spray and smell the paint. Zeb was snoring—unmistakable. And Ezra was eating.

There was a tension between him and Ezra. He was made more aware of it since they had actually spent time together on Jedha. It was more than the fact that Ezra had stolen Kanan’s lightsaber. There was something else and now neither of them could find any words to say to the other. Kanan knew it was his failing as a teacher. To have let his blindness rule him and put him in such a state that Ezra felt the need to take his lightsaber—and Kanan hadn’t even noticed. What kind of Jedi did that?

Kanan was a Jedi Knight regardless. Maybe Rex had been right that he had been made a knight for a reason. That it wasn’t because he could be victorious against the Sith, but because he did survive, and lived through the consequences. Jumping into the blankness, holding Rex, hearing the ship but having no clue to where it was, was terrifying. Yet he had felt the Force—like he had on Malachor. Maybe it wasn’t reliable and he couldn’t trust it, but he could still use it. He was a Jedi Knight and he would no longer hide his lightsaber. It was at his waist out for all to see.

“Hey, Kanan,” Ezra said, his voice forced. “How’s it going?”

“Fine.” The usual answer. A few moments of silence. Then Kanan forced out, “How’s your lightsaber coming?”

“Oh!” Rustling. Plates and utensils clattering. “Right. I finished it.”

Kanan paused on his way toward the cargo area to exit the ship. That was fast. A lot faster than last time. “Really?” Carefully, he turned toward the table where Ezra was sitting and walked toward it. “Can I see it?”

He found the table and held out his hand.

Ezra didn’t say anything for a moment and Kanan considered just walking away.

Something changed upon leaving Jedha. Hera gave him his mask when she saw him again, and he hadn’t taken it off since. He couldn’t see, and he wasn’t going to be a part of any more missions until he could find a way to not be a burden and to do something beyond playing some beggar to spy. That wasn’t him.

“Of course.” The lightsaber pressed into his hand. Kanan noted that it wasn’t like Ezra’s previous saber, but more traditional. Similar to his own, but not. He couldn’t be sure.  His fingers explored the divots and raised metal pieces that made it up for a few moments longer before handing it back. Definitely not the unique saber Ezra had created before. It was different. Like how everything now was different. Less colorful.

“It’s green,” Ezra supplied. “The blade, I mean. I expected it to be… well, I didn’t know there were other colors it could be. What does it mean?”

Green? Kanan thought in surprise. He couldn’t picture Ezra with any other lightsaber than his old one—blue like his own. Oh man, Kanan thought, he hadn’t seen a green blade since the Clone Wars. His master had had a green blade. But he couldn’t quite picture the color, he thought sadly.

“It used to indicate Jedi who spent their time reflecting on the mysteries of the Force and fought the Dark Side,” Kanan said, as if reciting some article like a student. He almost laughed trying to picture Ezra in contemplation. Yoda had a green saber too… The kid could hardly sit still to meditate, and that was all Kanan did now. Yet Ezra gets the green blade and Kanan still gets the blade of the Guardian, one who uses the Force on a more physical level. “I guess you are growing up.”

“Had to sometime, “ Ezra had said. His voice held some emotion that Kanan couldn’t quite place, and he had no idea what Ezra was thinking. He really felt the loss of gestures: eyes roaming, furrowed eyebrows, pursed lips, a smile, sparkling in someone’s eyes, shrugs of the thoughts, twitches, fidgeting, and so on. There was gap between him and Ezra. Darkness so complete and he was alone. He had no idea of what Ezra looked like now. He was taller, his hair was short and now he had a different lightsaber. Kanan was faced with a decision. To hold onto the past image of Ezra and ignore all the signs that Ezra, and everyone really, would change around him. That Sabine’s hair would be a different color soon, cut in a different way, her armor painted with new designs and patterns. Even Hera would change. He had changed and it occurred to him that he had no idea what he even looked like with his beard and scar. He could try to ignore those changes, hold on to the images of them, or let them go. File them as memories and pray they don’t fade, just like the memory of his master, though his master was dead. His family wasn’t dead and his new memories of them were just as important as the memories of what they looked like did.

It was too much to think about.

So he turned away from Ezra, who had gone silent and tense, and continued toward the cargo area past the fresher.

He had thoroughly cleaned himself of the filth and smell of Jedha. Just being around Hera made him even more acutely aware of how badly he smelled, and since he was one sense short, he was particularly aware of it usually.  Besides his hygiene, the weight of the crystals in the air was gone—thank the Force. The sense of the destroyed Jedi past, exhumed, now was buried and at peace again for Kanan.

Mostly.

He kept his cane on him but since he had returned home he didn’t use it as often, but memorized where he needed to go. Sometimes the Force helped when he held his hand out and concentrated on the area directly in front of him. Most of the time it didn’t. Though, he had to admit, he was excited to return to home; somewhere familiar where he did not need to be led around and where he did not need his cane so much.

On the way back to Atollon, that had been all he could think about: that he just wanted to be home. When Hera finally led him out of Maz’s and back onto the Ghost, it was like being able to breathe again. He had finally been able to move freely and independently. He didn’t need his cane. He knew where things were without the Force, and he knew what it looked like. Though he found his visual memory wouldn’t show him the whole picture unless he thought about it but rather fragments of what he was focused on. The image of the table and that the path was clear, but not the image of the room. What the edge looked like and how it would feel when his groping fingers found it.

There was a light pattering sound as he entered the cargo area.

He had seen Maz’s bar before. He had seen a lot of bars before. But it wasn’t as clear and, though Hera was reminiscing on when they were here together, he was having a hard time remembering with her. Everything felt the same, but not in a way that was distinctive to invoke a memory, like eyes would have. It just didn’t exist like that for him anymore.

And Maz had had a lot to say this time when she saw him with Hera, and he could feel her heartache for him in the Force. He had always suspected that she knew more than she ever let on. After all, Maz had known thousands of Jedi before him, and she was more than a little Force-sensitive. She knew what it felt like to be around a Force-sensitive who was trained to use the Force. Their signatures were less chaotic, more centered. They flowed like a straight and narrow river while most flowed as though weaving through rapids—

All thoughts came to a halt as the Ghost’s ramp dropped.

It was raining.

It hardly rained on Atollon. In fact, it only rained twice since they first created the base here. Today was the third rainfall.

Inside the ship, you couldn’t hear the rain. Kanan had had no idea it was raining. He couldn’t see the front window smeared with water. He couldn’t smell it from inside the ship.

But standing in the open cargo hold, he was overwhelmed by the rain. Everything smelled different. Earthy and cool. He had forgotten the smell that often was associated with rain on many planets. And everything made a distinctive sound in the rain. Without the Force, he could know about the ships across the way on the makeshift platform. He could hear the squish of several people’s boots, the raindrops on their clothing. Some in nylon pilot gear, and some in cheap cloth. He could hear the roof above him and the area before him. The world finally had dimension and contour that he could perceive with his senses. But more than that, it wasn’t him reaching out to interact with the world, but the world speaking back to him. He had to reach out to the Force, it never gave him awareness automatically, and never addressed him with the whole world of everything as the rain was doing now. Kanan pushed his sensitivity to it to the back of his mind as he stepped out into the rain. However, he was still aware of the dokma and other creatures coming out to enjoy the rain as well, their life forces like little heats and intention in the periphery of his consciousness.

Instantly, he was drenched, but it didn’t matter, and he carefully made his way down the ramp to the now soft earth beyond it. His boots slushed in an unexpected puddle but it didn’t matter. He took his mask off and let the rain wash over his face, over his sensitive damaged eyes, dripping over his cheeks and by his ears. Kanan stood there, in the rain, overwhelmed by the beauty of it, feeling the planet’s dry surface drink in the moisture.

If only it could rain everywhere and yet everything would stay dry. There had to be some type of weather in the galaxy that it was like that. Not that Kanan could use the star maps or datapads in order to locate such a place. If not in the galaxy… in the universe surely. Vaguely, he could remember older Jedi talking about the places they explored before the war. When the Jedi really were just monks and peacekeepers bound together by connection to all things, and cared for all things. Kanan couldn’t answer Chirrut at the time, but he had been told when he was very young, that Jedi practiced wielding lightsabers, not to fight, but to focus their connection to the Force and use that connection to direct the blade in such a way that while they were sparring, they could catch glimpses of the immediate future and be present in the moment at the same time. Kanan’s training was limited, though he had an idea of what it should be like.

And the Jedi also preached that whenever faced with a problem, you should meditate on it until the answer became clear in the Force. Kanan sighed. Since he met Hera, he usually had gone to her when faced with a problem. But this… this wasn’t something she would have the answer to, he finally came to the heavy-hearted conclusion.

“Oh no! I just painted on some of the ships!” Sabine’s voice sounded from behind him, pulling him out of his reverie. “Hey, Kanan, what are you doing?”

His cheeks heated against his will at what he was doing. He swallowed, remembering Zaluna, and Chirrut. “Listening.”

Sabine was quiet for a moment. Then he heard boots down the ramp and she sloshed beside him. Her body was radiating a little heat.

“What are you doing?” he asked her after a few moments of waiting.

“Listening,” she said gently. “The rain is really beautiful.”

“It is,” he agreed with her, opening up his senses to the rain again.

“It tastes good,” she said with a thick lisp that made him tilt his head toward her.

“Are… are you tasting the rain?”

“Yeah. Stick your tongue out. The water is sweet and cold.”

It didn’t matter. He knew it was futile. But his eyes slid open to look at her. There was no change in his visual field. There would never be again. He couldn’t see anything. Something tore in his chest. How could the Force have let something like this happen to him? Deny him the sight of the people he loved and cared for? It was a barrier that separated him from the world, and he could feel himself sometimes drifting away. Like he was living in a spirit world. The losses of faces made everything kind of that much more distant. And each day, he worried that he would forget what the world looked like. The little things, the distant things, were already dimming. And if that happened, he feared, would things cease to exist for him?

Even as he stood next to Sabine, feeling her heat against the coolness of the air and rain. Hearing the splashes of the drops on her shoulder pads, her head, her boots, and chest plate. Even as the barrier was now cracked with the rain giving him insight to the world beyond his immediate self, he still felt separate in way. But today, in the rain, he was a part of the world again. It was the first time he had felt this way since before Malachor.

“Are you going to taste it?” Sabine asked curiously and nudged him lightly.

Kanan couldn’t help it; he smiled and stuck out his tongue, feeling ridiculous. Raindrops slipped into his mouth, sweet yet salty and cold.

He licked his lips. “Yum.”

“Told you,” Sabine said contently. “You know, I like the color of the explosions but I almost like the sound of them more.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s like… each type of explosive has a very distinctive sound. Some crackle. Others boom. Some have rhythm as if it’s in their chemical makeup to be musical and that much more artistic,” she explained and, every once in awhile as she spoke, she sputtered with raindrops in her mouth. “I’ll show you sometime if you’d like. Well, I’m sure you’ll be more aware of it now on missions.”

Kanan’s heart fell. “Sabine, I—”

“I don’t want to hear it right now,” she said firmly and took his hand. “Right now, I just want to believe that everything will go back to normal for a little while.”

“Okay.”

“Want to go for a walk?”

“Were you reading my mind?” he asked her with a half smile. His hand slid up her arm and took her elbow.

“No longer using the cane?”

His smile was short-lived apparently. “Have you been talking to Hera?”

She giggled. “No, but don’t think no one has noticed. Half the pilots you walk by are ready to jump out and catch you half the time.”

“Oh wonderful,” he mumbled.

She led him deeper into base, beneath the giant coral. Tilting his head from side to side, he could hear the rain falling on the different branches of it, pooling and plunking in the thicker branches, sliding like mini waterfalls over other branches. A convor cooed from high above as if greeting them as they passed. The branches of coral preventing the rain from falling in some areas, creating sort of an echo throughout the inner base.

There were people talking but Kanan couldn’t really hear them. Sometimes, he had found, he couldn’t hear people as well as he once could with his vision. There were cues he missed now, body language, raises of eyebrows, quirking of the lips, angle of the face and your face in response. Like he had trouble pinpointing a voice in a group because he couldn’t catch their eye. Yet at the same time, he found, in his experience, he was more aware of what his senses fed him, culminating in a world of textures, sounds, smells, tastes. His whole body perceived the rain now.

Sabine was describing the scenes she had painted on the ships. Something about Hobbie and AP-5. But Kanan was focused on the wind whooshing and whistling through the coral branches. His free hand was fingering his lightsaber, memorizing the texture, the design, and feeling the weight of the lightsaber, creating a three-dimensional tactile memory of it that was replacing his visual memory of it. It had been practically fifteen years since he had seen it out in full attached to a belt.

The sound and echo opened out up and echoed outward as they moved out from the beneath the coral again. The sound and feel of the wind changed as well in the open space. She was leading him along the perimeter now. There was the beeping of the poles, and tinkle-sliding sound of the rain on poles. Sabine shivered as the wind blew harder now that they were out in the open.

Their boots crunched and swished into the soggy dirt as they walked on the edge of the wilderness. Kanan was suddenly aware of a faint vibration from within the earth, of the krynka shifting in their caverns. For a split second he wondered how he knew it was the krynka, but then he knew it was the Force; feeding him scraps of information through his senses. Like how he knew in his memory and through memorization that there were no obstacles along the perimeter other than the holes, which blew an old decayed smell from the caverns over by the Ghost. But also, he realized the Force seemed to affirm his knowledge.

This was his world now: a mixture of smells, of three-dimensional tactile experiences and soundscape that was reinforced by the Force. Sabine’s arm was warm and she was humming as they walked. He wondered what she was thinking as she led him through the rain. Could she also share this world of kinesthetic and acoustic experience too? Could any of the family?

“Kanan?” Sabine asked. “Do you think there’s something going on with Ezra?”

He blinked, caught off guard by the sudden question. “What do you mean?”

“He’s been… different ever since you two got back,” she said quietly. “I don’t know how to explain it, but at first I thought it was because of everything that happened, but now? I’m not so sure. He really pushed for the mission to Jedha with you, and now it’s like he actively is avoiding you.”

Kanan pressed his lips together. Ezra had been different on their mission to Jedha, now that he reflected on it. He had been less careful, more erratic. But… “It’s been a tough few months. Ezra is dealing with it in his own way. Things have to change even if we don’t want them too.” The words hit him hard even as he said them. Was this acceptance? It kind of felt more like defeat.

Sabine’s free hand squeezed his arm. He wondered what her expression held. What was in her eyes when she looked at him now? Did she even look at him or stare ahead to avoid looking at him? He didn’t know and didn’t ask. The rain didn’t tell him and the Force was silent.

“I know that,” she said and sighed. “I’m getting cold, want to go back?”

Kanan shook his head. “Not yet. I want to enjoy the rain while it’s here, but can you leave me by the perimeter where the holes are so I can find my way back?”

“Only if you have your cane.”

Kanan scowled.

“Hera would kill me.”

“It’s not like I would tell her.”

“She’d know. She always knows.”

Sabine had a point. Hera always read him like an open book and would know. “I have my cane,” he finally relented, and gestured to it on his belt. “But no promises on using it.”

“I can live with that but if you fall down the hole, I won’t let you hear the end of it,” she joked and he smiled sourly.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fair. No falling in holes, check.”

Sabine took him over to the holes and made him feel the edge with his foot before she was satisfied that he knew exactly where he was in relation to them. Then he sank into the mud where the dokma gathered. They bumped him. There was about four of them, judging by the rain splashing on their shells and the little scrapping of their legs through the dirt. Rain dripped off his nose, over his eyelids. Mud and water seeped through his pants as he knelt on the earth. Hera was not going to be happy when he came back.

He shivered.

Something ancient in the Force tugged on the edge on his awareness out in the wildness of the coral mesa.

000

Kanan returned, muddy, shivering and drenched hours later, triumphantly (and more than a little defiantly) not using his cane. He had no idea what time it was but he was starving and so he made his way past the lounge to search for some sort of ration. He was sure he was tracking mud, but if anyone said anything he was going to use his blindness to get them to leave him alone. Unless it was Hera… she would see right through him.

He trailed the counter with his fingertips and then searched for the cabinets. Between Zeb and Ezra, who were eating constantly, food was always moved around and it was a lot of guesswork. Nothing in cabinet one, he thought irritably. Or if there was, he missed it. He slid his hand through cabinet two and found several packages. Nondescript and there was no way he could tell what they were. Except one was squishy and he was not going to see why. The ration bars all felt the same. Grainy through the wrapper and hard. If only he could find the waffles. But their cooker had digital buttons that he couldn’t access without help. He should have glued little markers or something onto the buttons like Zaluna had done.

Sighing, Kanan went through a rhyme Ezra had taught him: Loth-rat, loth-cat, loth-wolf, run, pick a path and all is done. Then he ripped open the package of the one fate had picked and bit into it. Oh thank the Force; it was one of the good ones.

Chopper rolled in, growling in greeting; his wheel unmistakable. Kanan munched on the bar, waiting for Chopper to do whatever he was planning. But instead the droid stayed quiet. It made Kanan nervous. Even if he could see, he wouldn’t be able to anticipate one of the droid’s tricks.

“What’s going on, Chop?” he decided to say between bites.

Chopper groaned then beeped a few times, indicating that he had something to show Kanan. He rolled forward and bumped Kanan’s legs—too hard. That was definitely going to leave a mark. Chopper growled that Hera was not going to be pleased about the way he was ruining her ship and that Chopper was not going to clean it up.

“But, Chopper. I can’t see,” Kanan tried out, and feigned looking around. “Am I really tracking mud everywhere?”

Chopper was silent as if assessing Kanan’s excuse. Kanan finished his ration and now his mouth was parched. If only he could use the Force to bring a cup to him… but he wasn’t sure if he could do that without knowing exactly where it was. It didn’t matter, he made a show for Chopper of searching with his hand—though it wasn’t much of an exaggeration. In fact it wasn’t an exaggeration at all because it turned out all the cups must be dirty because there were none where they should be. He found a bowl instead and filled it up with water. Smooth, he thought, and drained the bowl.

Chopper chortled with his assessment: “You don’t fool me, Kanan. I’m telling Hera. But first…” He banged into Kanan’s legs harder.

“Okay, okay, I’m coming.” Keeping his hand connected to the wall, he followed Chopper into the lounge. Chopper stopped somewhere by where the table should be.

“Hey, Kanan. Come to the table. Chop, Sabine, and I got something to show you,” Zeb greeted from the table’s general location. Kanan felt his way to the table, finding the edge with his hand.

“I would sit but I think I’m already making enough of a mess.”

“Hera’s going to be so mad,” Sabine said from behind him, and he started.

“Yeah, yeah, Chopper told me. I’ll jump into the fresher in a moment. What do you have to show me?”

Chopper chortled proudly that this was all his idea.

“What is it?”

“It’s a tactile version of dejarik,” Zeb explained then growled, “and we all helped out, not just Chopper.”

“I painted each of the pieces,” Sabine chimed in and walked over beside Kanan. “Zeb cobbled the pieces. Check them out.”

Zeb tapped the back of Kanan’s hand with his large fingers and Kanan was acutely aware of the differences of their bodies as Zeb guided his hand to the pieces set on the table. He noticed that the checked board also had raised lines now. He was speechless, overwhelmed for the second time today. He could cry, but his tear ducts didn’t always work now, and now was one of those times he couldn’t cry.

“You even raised the lines on the board.” Kanan’s mouth was dry as he spoke, and he swallowed. His fingers explored each of the monsters carved with care. They were incredible. “This is amazing. You all didn’t have to do all this.”

Zeb clapped him on the shoulder then drew back with a gasp of regret. “Of course we did, Chief. Chopper needs a pastime that doesn’t involve tormenting people. Even AP-5 needs a break.” He cackled.

Chopper growled, then indicated that he would prove to Kanan once and for all that he wouldn’t cheat without Kanan being fully capable of knowing it was happening.

“So you admit to cheating!” Kanan accused and found he was smiling for the second time in earnest that day. “Well, I’m going to beat you as I always do anyway.”

“Just as soon as you shower I hope,” an unmistakable voice said from behind him. Zeb and Sabine stifled their laughter and he tried to shoot them a dirty look.

“Hera. Of course.” He turned toward her. “I’m so sorry!  I didn’t—”

“You know, I followed your tracks all the way here,” she continued. Did her voice have a hint of amusement? No, that couldn’t be true. He was hearing things. “Now get in the fresher now!”

He walked toward the fresher and noticed that her steps followed him. “What are you doing?”

“Cleaning up your mess.”

“Hera, who are you?” he joked.

“Just this one time,” she said, and for some reason he got the impression that she was smiling. “Just because I know Chopper is excited to play against you and they all have been working so hard.”

“Are you smiling?” he asked her and she shifted. He wondered what she sounded like in the rain. To be able to perceive all of her again. Just the thought was enough to make him want to grab her and run outside. To know her again in a new way, since they couldn’t look into one another’s eyes and know instantly what the other was thinking. It nearly shattered his heart to think such things. So he pushed those thoughts back down, banished them, and resisted taking her outside.

“Yes,” she answered in her beautiful voice.

“I knew it.” He gave her one of his old grins. The one he tried to woo her with back on Gorse. He reached out and with a miraculous guess touched her lips with his dirty fingers and verified they were smiling—until they weren’t because his fingers were dirty.

She kicked him in the shin. “Get into that shower!”

It was the first time that Kanan really, truly laughed since Malachor. Laughter that filled him up right down to his toes. Then, he thought mischievously controlling his laughter for a second; a shower is very much like rain…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more chapter to go. It's been the hardest to write honestly because I've really had a lot of fun writing this so I hope you've enjoyed reading it :)


	10. The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Epilogue

Kanan pressed his eyes close in futile meditation.

Ezra had asked Kanan only once about why he decided to wear his lightsaber out in the open after so long. Kanan had snapped at him in a moment of isolation and frustration.

“Because there’s no point in hiding it anymore, Ezra. The Force is my prison.”

In a way, though, it was.

The Force had branded him after Order 66. He was hunted for having that divine connection to all living things. That divine connection that saturated him with the final breaths of the thousands of Jedi that were murdered. He felt their lives extinguish and dissipate into the Force as his master was cut down right in front of him.

He thought had known darkness then.

He tried to bury the Force deep inside him. Lock it away in the deepest parts of his past. It haunted him with his act of cowardice as he ran when his master fell. But he had control over it. He could ignore it and not use it. He took dangerous jobs and ran from place to place. Always one step ahead. Even when he met Hera, he was running from his past and from the Force.

But her words wormed their way into the darkest parts of his being like a lost key to the lock on that part of him. He let his guard down. Thought that maybe times would change. They found a Ezra; another Force-sensitive child who managed to survive the Empire’s purge. They formed a family.  
He thought he could use the Force again. He thought that he could find his way back. He thought he was in control.  
Then Malachor happened. And Maul reminded him that he was never in control. That the Force was not going to protect him, and that he did not wield the Force, but that the Force wielded him.

Now, he had a choice. Ignore the Force and rely on others and bumble about in the dark. Or let the Force guide his every movement so that he was not dead weight. He was completely reliant on the Force to keep him safe, to show him what he needed to know, to guide his saber, to find a glass of water. Everything.  
But he doesn’t see. There is no light in his world. There is no darkness for that matter either since one provides the other. A dark so complete it isn’t even dark anymore. Just nothing. An absent sense. What he gets are intentions and notions into what actions are happening around him, the location of a rock, his saber, of Ezra and his intention to reach for him. The stormtrooper searching with a light. The Force moves his body back. Kanan doesn’t understand why he does what he does unless he asks sometimes.

“What happened?”

More often than not, they’re running and he will never know why he does some of the things he does. Sometimes Hera will be amazed too and bring it up. Kanan had apparently moved out of the way of a search light and pulled Jai out of the way too. But he didn’t know at the time.  
He can’t see color. He can’t see Hera or Ezra or Zeb or Sabine or anyone. They’re there. He feels them but he can’t meet their eyes. He can’t catch their smiles or partake in the faces they make. He will never see Ezra or Sabine grow up.

The Force is his prison.

There are times when he rages against his cage. But that gets him nowhere since then he is feeling his way along. He needs the Force if he wants to drive a speeder, help on missions, be the teacher and person that they need him to be.

There was a time when he went out on a few missions by himself. It was even worse then when the people also on the mission didn’t understand his blindness. There was a gap between them. And he became all too aware of his silence. When did he become part of the background? So focused on listening on the conversations, begging his warden to give him some insight on what’s happening when there are no blasters. When there are no enemy intentions to follow. When there are no lives in danger. When his understanding of the world ends with the walls of the ship unless he pushes and the Force grants him the insight.

He frowned remembering the first mission he volunteered for.

Hera had seemed straight up offended that he wasn’t planning on going. But what was he going to do in space? He had very few things to pass the time up there while they waited for another shipment. And he couldn’t fly anymore. He didn’t want to be on another mission where he sat around in the cockpit while everyone else did everything. Being in the ship often reminded him of everything he still couldn’t do. And maybe if he was lucky—or unlucky—they would get attacked and then—and only then—would he be able to do something because he could then sense the intention of blasters, bombs or whatever was being thrown at them.

Especially after he had gone undercover with Rex in their failed attempt to rescue Kallus, and had gotten stunned! He should have been able to react faster but he hadn’t been sure which to influence and so it hadn’t been as strong. Stupid.

No. He needed to get better at being on his own again.

Even after the Bendu helped him through the roadblocks in his mind, Kanan still found himself drawn away from the people on base. Like there was something drawing him away: an anticipation of a possible future that was in the back of his mind. Things were different even if he didn’t need a cane anymore. Even if he could sense the emotions of people around him. He wanted to know he could protect the people that he loved.

There were lots of things he still couldn’t do or enjoy in the same way. Or he could do them but they took a lot of focus and faith in the Force. He wondered if this was fate’s cruel way of forcing him to become more faithful to the old ways. It didn’t matter. It was necessary.

He had chosen the mission because it was about giving relief to the people here on this planet. That was what he had loved doing before and they just hadn’t done a lot of that recently. It was mostly on the ground, which meant he could be more of an active role in everything. It was helping people. It was sneaking around and taking out a few stormtroopers. Everything he could have asked for, with as little buttons, ships, and holoprojections as possible. Holograms and holographic projections were beyond his ability to perceive. One of the things the Force didn’t make up for. Some of the datapads offered text to voice options. But the gestures were hard to learn and navigate. Though he was patient and he waited and he told himself things took time, he still got frustrated. Guess he still wasn’t that good of a Jedi.

That all being said. This mission had also ended in a bar. An added perk, as Rex put it. As it happened, this planet cultivated a particularly delicious type of alcohol, and for those who liked to drink, it was known to have some wide drinks. And an abundance of it. Even if there was very little food and medical resources, which hopefully they eased some of the suffering.

Kanan hadn’t needed to hold Rex’s arm anymore. He didn’t need to hold anyone’s arm anymore. He didn’t even carry his cane with him anymore. But he was blind, and at the moment, he didn’t want to attract any attention to himself. So he held Rex’s arm just above the elbow allowing himself to be led into the bar without his mask. He didn’t want to appear weak and he didn’t like being led. Never had. But sometimes it just couldn’t be helped.

Rex hadn’t said anything and Kanan was grateful. Although some of their crew who had followed them to the bar had glanced in his direction curiously when he had taken his mask off and taken Rex’s arm. None of them asked any questions though he could feel their questions in the Force.

Kanan followed Rex inside and immediately something flickered in the Force, but he wasn’t sure what it was. Not a threat. He wasn’t sure—Rex put his arm behind him a signal for Kanan to move more squarely behind Rex so he wouldn’t bump into anything. His grip tightened involuntarily out of old habit when weaving through crowds.  
The bar stank of smoke and stale ale. People swayed, stomped, burped and yelled as glasses all around clattered. In a way it was comforting. Like coming home. 

Somewhere along the zigzagging path of his life had had heard that the sense of smell was the strongest memory-provoking senses. He didn’t know if that was true, but he felt like it was now. The air smelled like many of his mistakes. Like the bar on Gorse where Okadiah would greet him from where he would lean against the bar. His heart tugged at the memory of the old man.

Rex had slapped a chair in front of him startling him out of his thoughts. “Here’s a chair, my friend! It’s a bit crowded.” Kanan had known that, which was why they were doing this whole charade anyway. The amount of signatures in the Force flickering with life here were almost blinding anyway to the point where he almost felt as though he couldn’t sense anything else. In fact, he was somewhat blocking what the Force was telling him just so he wasn’t so overwhelmed. He reached out and found the back of the chair before he sat down.

About a year without sight.

He had called out to where the bartender should be for a drink.

“This is where the fun begins.” Rex was laughing beside him relaxing on his stool. Kanan had guessed he was taking in the scene around them but he couldn’t make much of the details out unless he focused or the actions were aimed at him.

“Shame we couldn’t get a table near the door. Guess we’ll have to make a grand exit when the time comes,” Rex had continued.

“Let’s try not to make it too grand,” Kanan had said with a weak smile. He was only planning on having one real good drink. Just to enjoy what he hasn’t had in a while.

“We got to let loose while we can, Kanan,” Rex had argued and he heard a few people around them agree. “Life is too short not too.”

He clanked his drink against Kanan’s.

“Bottom’s up.”

Kanan’s mouth quirked up. “Bottom’s up.”

Rex had began telling strange stories about the hunting on strange planets after the Clone Wars. He had quite a crowd since apparently there was some pretty large game to be had on this planet too.

“You should see them!” A male slurred over Kanan’s shoulder. “They live just on the other side of the mountains. Multicolored dragons without legs who spit acid instead of fire but let me tell you it is the sweetest meat I have ever eaten.”

“You need a keen eye to catch them because they have these antennas that look like the reeds that grow there. They never break the surface, you see. They’re blind and only live underground,” another voice spoke in a deep rasp.

Someone bumped Kanan as they pushed their way up to talk to Rex. “Oh sorry, man! Didn’t see—oh! Sorry!”

Kanan bit his lip. This had happened several times now and it was starting to grate on him. Even the comments and questions about why he doesn’t have cybernetic eyes. Even on a planet where few had access to such things, people still asked.

Kanan leaned back out of the conversation hazily with a slight frown on his face. Rex began chanting with other old veterans and ruffians. There had already been a few people screaming at him like he was deaf or asking He could see the world spinning, but he felt like it was. His hand slithered along the table for his—well, he wasn’t sure what number he was on—drink.

Something was still tugging at the back of his mind. Like eyes on him. He turned away from the crowd surrounding Rex. So much for not making a scene. At least very few people recognized clones for what they were now. People didn’t talk about the Clone Wars if they could help it. They now fell into the same category as the Jedi. Kanan’s lightsaber still hung from his hip, but none recognized it for what it was. You didn’t see lightsabers anymore. People didn’t recognize them as such unless you turned it on. Kanan was now starting to realize this anyway. Or if someone did recognize it as a lightsaber, nothing had happened so far.

There was a sudden pressure in his groin. “Fresher,” he announced drunkenly to no one. Stumbling from the stool, he held out his hands and wished he had his cane for the first time in months. Since before he met with the Bendu even. Gritting his teeth, he refused to ask for help though he had no idea where said fresher was.

Swaying slightly, he tried to call on the Force to show him more of the room to give him an idea of where the fresher was. Vaguely and with too much concentration, he became aware of the dimensions of the room with its crowd of bustling and drunken customers. The dimensions shifted and flickered in his weakened ability to concentrate and connect to the Force.

He took a few steps, bumped into someone or something, and was jostled back a few steps. Reaching out for the chair which he could sense was…somewhere nearby. His hand fell through the air finding nothing.

A hand came down on his shoulder that quite literally nearly sent him out of his skin.

He gripped the hand with lightning fast reflexes that he couldn’t control. Not human, his brain supplied. Three digits not five. Not human.  
“Hey, kid, where you going?”

“Don’t call me kid,” he responded automatically, swaying slightly.

Suddenly the being’s grip tightened. “Hey, where did you get that thing at your belt?” the being’s voice growled. “That doesn’t belong–wait! Kid? Is that you?” Hands were pressed to either side of Kanan’s face.

Kanan’s heart leapt up in his throat and any connection to the Force had slipped in his panic. Abandoning him again. “Don’t know what you’re talking about?” He stumbled back into a stool and looking frantically and quite uselessly toward where Rex should be. “Who are you?”

“It’s me, kid.”

Kanan frowned deeply. People tended to sound more alike than they thought sometimes. The Force was silent. He groped toward where he thought Rex was and found only air. There were too many voices in here.

“Caleb.”

Kanan froze, lost his balance in shock and fell into the bar.

“Kanan!” Rex! Finally! The clone gripped his shoulder steadying him. “Hey! Who are you?”

There was a resigned sigh. “Name’s Janus Kashmir.” The old pirate slurred his name. “Known this kid along time.”

Kanan’s heart had nearly stopped beating. Memories and emotions flooded him. He had gripping the glass so hard it shattered splattering alcohol everywhere. And yet… he was glad Kashmir was alive. How could he have not know?!

“Name’s Kanan Jarrus, now. Not kid,” he corrected over his internal anguish. Maybe it had been the alcohol dulling Kanan’s senses too… but that wouldn’t have happened if his eyes still worked.

What was worse was now he was completely disoriented. “I…uh…need a little help. I have no idea where the fresher is.”

There was a pause both from Rex and Kashmir.

“Sure, Kanan,” Rex offered.

“Nah, I’ll get you there. Long time no see and all,” Kashmir jumped in then made a small noise. “Sorry.”  
“You okay, Kanan?”  
“Yeah, Rex. He is an old friend. I just…didn’t recognize his voice.” He managed to locate Kashmir’s arm and begrudgingly tell him how to lead someone who couldn’t see. How that he had returned to the Old Ways…and how it had left him like this.

A sound brought Kanan back out of the memory and to the present where the Force was almost just as muddled as when he was drunk beyond what the wolves had shown him. Why he has always been a pawn and not a wielder of the Force. How did the heroes of the Clone Wars make their destiny? He had heard of some of the impossible feats Anakin Skywalker had been able to accomplish forcing his will upon the Force. Did all Jedi feel this way?

He will never know. The dead don’t answer him. The Jedi are gone. He is all that is left and, though Yoda had knighted him, if it truly was Yoda and not a manifestation of the Force into someone he recognizes, he offers Kanan no advice now. If he had been able to finish his training maybe he would understand.

Maybe the Code is about submission? To be at peace with being a pawn. And there have been times when this train of thought has lead him down a very dark path. When his every connection to the Force became tinged with anger.

Is it wrong to have these thoughts?

There is no one to tell him so. No Order to answer to.

So he lets the Force guide his every move.

He hopes this time that it will keep him and everyone he loves safe.

“I wish… I could see you,” he told Hera in a moment of weakness as they stood so close he could feel the warmth of her skin on him. And still the Force offered no insight onto what she looked like. He wondered if she could feel his focus on her as he pressed it for any detail. To him when he is the center of attention it feels like slight tingle. He wondered if she felt like she was standing next to static electricity.

“You could always see me,” she had answered and he pushed the Force away as she lowered his goggles.

He felt her physical body move rather than sensed it through the Force as she leaned into him. Leaning back into her, feeling her body under different clothes—until the comm went off.

When she grabbed him to bring her lips to his. It wasn’t the Force that clued him in. It was the hand on her shoulder and how it slid up to bring his head to hers. There was no Force influence there. It was only Kanan.

Only Kanan and Hera.

Until the wolf, saturated with the Force, exhumed Caleb Dume.

And part of him wants to block the Force out again. He doesn’t want to accidently perceive the future. The wolves are everywhere now. They are the first thing he senses now. Helpless against the Force again as it does what it will with him.

With Hera.

What did it look like when the rebel ships came falling down from the sky?

He had and could do nothing. It didn’t want him to go after her. It was obvious from how much he was able or unable to perceive when he was racing back to the capital to go after her. All he could sense was the wolf blocking his path to Hera. The Force was blocking him from Hera’s shimmering life force burning in the Force like a beacon. Until the wolf blocked it out and there was nothing around him but the bike and the wolf.

Clenching and unclenching his fists, he pretended to meditate while they devised their next plan of action. And he sits here in indecision too much a coward to reach out to Hera for fear of finding out what the future will bring, and too helpless without the Force to actually be of any help.

“Kanan?” Ezra asks suddenly appearing behind him. His voice is tired. “The wolves are waiting.”

“I know.” He doesn’t know until that moment, when against his will his Force sense flickers at Ezra’s words and alerts him of their presence. Kanan forces himself to stand.

“We will find her,” Ezra says.

Kanan doesn’t reply.

The warden is calling and he has no choice but to follow.

He takes a steps and wonders in a moment of clarity if there will ever be a time when he will feel Hera’s warm smooth hand in his again, have her body close to him again. But not in a way they have ever been together before, but peacefully. Maybe there could be a time when they could be together without the rebellion. When there are no more obligations.

“Maybe… we were meant to be Jedi for this very moment…” he said quietly more to himself than to Ezra.

Maybe he will pull out his cane again and choose his own path again and Kanan could be free of being a Jedi.

Maybe there is a future where they are all free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally forgot to update this on Ao3! Things have been kind of crazy

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are loved


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